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Conception

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Original poster

Leaving DH during IVF

16 replies

CyclingMumKent · 30/05/2021 21:42

Hi everyone,
Please advice😪
I already have two children with DH and we are trying for our third via IVF.
I have a frozen cycle scheduled mid June, when we will implant 2 embryos.
I discovered by complete accident and luck that my DH has committed some irregularities in our co-owned business and has diverted lots of money to his own bank account.
When confronted, he was not apologetic at all, he became very defensive and - to my shock - started calling me names, such as liar or hypocrite.
He has form for this, and has regularly used name calling or mocking me or cold treatment and lots of sulking, basically avoiding communication with me.
I tried to leave in the past, but never found the courage.
The main reason is that if I compare my DH behaviour with my father's, DH seems not too bad.
DF has always been an angry and unpredictable father, prone to hit us, scream and generally terrorising us.
DH is in general very quite, he avoids conflict to the point of leaving us for a day (i.e. if on holiday he would leave me and the kids for few hours) and he sulks a lot if something bothers him (i.e. last week i got a birthday card from the handyman who is renovating our house (his wife also signed it) but DH was jealous and upset by it).
I had the cold treatment also a couple of times when visiting a female friend (he admitted that he was jealous that he had to work (i was on maternity leave).
Another instance that really broke my heart is that he was very upset when i had severe backpain during pregnancy and said it "sure was very convenient for me, so i didnt have to walk the dog" (i was on a wheelchair for few days). Without telling DH,
I have now signed a contract to rent a flat for myself (and hopefully for my boys to visit 50/50) which i could move into mid June. I have contacted a solicitor who advised me against leaving the co-owned (mortgaged) family home, as I would be liable for capital gain tax if we sell at a later stage and DH could prevent me to see the boys.
DH has told me that i wont see the kids if I move out (this was in the past. I havent mentioned my plan to move yet this time).
He also pushed me to resign from coowning our business (i own 51% share, he has 49%. This is due to the fact that i used all my savings to buy this business few years ago).
He threatened that if I dont resign (or at the very least sell him my shares or reduce mine to less than his %) that he will call the clinic on Tuesday and cancel his consent to implant our frozen embryo.
I know in my heart that i should not go ahead and have a third baby with him.
But he is actually a good enough dad, he has the kids a full day a week when i work so he is ok without me around, he feeds them, plays with them, takes them for walks. So he can manage and the boys like his company so far (although my eldest recently told me: Mum dont talk to dad, as he makes you cry, so they are becoming aware of some dynamics. They are 4 and 2)
i m in a very good financial position as i have a professional career aside of the co-owned business with DH and some savings.
We always wanted to try for 4 kids and maybe a little girl.
I wish i could have a bigger family as i m no contact with my dad and low contact with my mum and have the time of my life with my boys.
For me this ivf cycle mid June feels like my last chance at complete happyness as i always wanted to give all my love and the best chances of being happy to a little girl (as i didnt have much chance myself).
Is this selfish?
I m very resourceful, creative and full of energy.
I just feel like it s very deceitful not to tell DH that i m planning to leave just after IVF.
The secrecy around the fact that i just signed a contract makes me feel almost dirty and a liar.
We are implanting 2 embryos and i m 41 so low chance of pregnancy anyway.
I m also terrified he won't let me see the boys unless we go to court.
Should I tell him I have signed up for a flat?
P.s.
Since i m 41 and married, i wont be able to use a donor till separated, which wont happen quickly.
Also, i can't conceive naturally (blocked fallopian tubes after second birth)
Thanks for reading this far!

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 30/05/2021 21:49

Oh bloody hell 😱

Please please just leave. You have your beautiful boys to think of, please just get out ASAP

thingymaboob · 30/05/2021 21:50

I think you know exactly what you need to do:-

don't leave family home
don't have IVF
leave him as soon as you can

Sorry, not beating around bush. He sounds manipulative and abusive. Imagine this was a friend came to you and said this exact situation to you. Get him to move into the flat.

Anotheruser02 · 30/05/2021 21:58

I think you should contact the police regarding the steeling from your company and attempted coercion to get complete control of your company. Don't leave the family home either.

ohfourfoxache · 30/05/2021 21:59

Sorry, meant leave the relationship, not your home

But this has got to end

Please don’t bring someone else into the equation

peboh · 30/05/2021 22:01

Not trying to be horrible, but yes it's selfish. There's no guarantees that you'd even have a little girl. The sons you have should be enough. Leave this relationship. Take him to court. He cannot keep your children from you unless there is a safe guarding issue.

Anotheruser02 · 30/05/2021 22:02

Also, I'm sorry but I wouldn't have the IVF either, the chances of a girl are only half and I'm not sure that's the best reason to have a third child on the off chance a DD can complete you. I think counselling would help you to face your own past with an abusing Father and Mother you are LC with.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 30/05/2021 22:03

If the IVF works, are you going to be able to stay in control of this separation and not be manipulated into either staying with him or giving up your share of the business? You’re going to be hormonal, you had problems last time which meant you needed to use a wheelchair for a few days and he’s able to manipulate you without a pregnancy. It sounds like you’re in a good position financially and it feels like you’re setting yourself up to lose that.

BirthdayCakeBelly · 30/05/2021 22:05

Get him to move into the flat
This is what I would be going for too.

I know you don’t want to hear this but I would forget about the IVF.

I would focus on keeping your share of the business. Keeping a safe environment for your DC and sorting out a divorce that ensured their future happiness and security.

If he does take you to court how will you explain doing the round of IVF and then immediately leaving him? Won’t he use this against you, or at least try?

BirthdayCakeBelly · 30/05/2021 22:07

@Anotheruser02

I think you should contact the police regarding the steeling from your company and attempted coercion to get complete control of your company. Don't leave the family home either.

This is also good advice. If he is has the propensity to push it to court it would be good to give them an idea of his character and reporting the theft from the business is a sensible precaution.

Doyoumind · 30/05/2021 22:13

This is all wrong. You're making a mistake leaving the house. You're making a bigger mistake leaving the DC. You won't necessarily get 50:50 if he spins a story around you leaving the DC.

Don't even think about bringing another child into the situation. It's selfish and wrong.

Theworldisfullofgs · 30/05/2021 22:15

First things first, don't have another child. This won't give you happiness, you can only find this within yourself. I'd consider looking for a therapist.
I'm normally a make it work person, if there's something worth saving and I really think given his behaviour you need to leave. (He also needs help but that's his to deal with.)

And I presume you have a Ltd company. You need to sort this out which might mean reporting. As the majority shareholder, and as you know now, if you don't, then you will be held equally liable for any irregularities, particularly if it effects tax. I would seek advice from a solicitor and/or accountant.

Theworldisfullofgs · 30/05/2021 22:16

Also, what's he planning to do with the money?

Theworldisfullofgs · 30/05/2021 22:17

And when I say 'you need to leave', I mean leave him. You need to protect your assets in the house.

waitingforthenextseason · 30/05/2021 22:31

If you leave the house and the boys, you will likely not get custody or the family home.

Stay there. Seek legal advice and follow it. Keep your share of the business. And get him out of it for embezzlement. Threaten criminal action to get him to go.

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2021 22:34

You cannot be simultaneously planning ivf and to move out from your current children.

Jent13c · 30/05/2021 22:55

I have 2 boys and would absolutely love to complete my family with a third but if I was in your situation I would be getting my ducks in a row and ending things. I know where you are going...if I can just have it implanted then I can be free and pregnant. I don't think its particularly fair on your potential 3rd baby but also your boys who will be dealing with big life changes very soon and will need a lot from you which may be harder if you are unwell from pregnancy, and then a little sibling is another big life change for them. I'm sorry that its probably not what you want to hear.

Have you spoken to a solicitor? About who would be leaving and also the fact that he has stolen money from a company you own 51%of? Make sure you get some decent advice before you separate

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