Will I ever be pregnant again? Feeling sad

[stargazer3]

Hello everyone,

thanks for being patient and reading this.

I'm 34 years old and had my first baby last year in August. We were lucky and conceived him in the first month.

I had a horrible birth, with 2.1 litres blood loss and several vaginal infections after birth, for which I've taken antibiotics. My pelvic floor is still wrecked, I try to do Kegels, but I still leak urine sometimes when I have a full bladder and sneeze or work out.

Due to my age we started ttc our 2nd at the beginning of this year. After two cycles we got lucky and I conceived, but I lost the pregnancy unfortunately at 4 weeks and 5 days. It was and still is a horrible feeling.

I had an intravaginal scan done and my AMH hormone level tested recently. Apparently, my uterus and internal organs look absolutely normal, although my left ovary was hiding on the scan. My AMH level was also normal/good for my age.

The first two cycles ttc after my miscarriage was unsuccessful, but I'm currently in the 2ww of my third cycle after miscarriage. My period is due next Friday and I have 0 symptoms, so I suppose this will be another unsuccessful cycle.

I know 5 months ttc is nothing compared to how long it can take and I shouldn't think that ttc will always happen very quickly as with my first one.

I'm just very anxious that due to my difficult birth and the complications that I had afterwards something is broken inside me and I won't be able to get pregnant again.

I'm also using the Clearblue digital ovulation tests and before my miscarriage, I got 4 days of flashing smileys ( high fertility) before my solid smiley.
Now I get only 2 days of flashing smileys before my solid smiley.
It seems like I'm less fertile after my miscarriage :(

I want nothing else in this world to give my little boy a sibling.

I hate how this consumes me and how much money I've already thrown at this after my miscarriage ( fertility tests, vitamins, ovulation sticks).

I also feel delusional and stupid at the same time, because I know in my head that it is normal to take up to a year.

But then again I think what if we have a fertility issue and we lose valuable time by not investigating? Time is of the essence at my age.

My head is spinning and I just don't know what to do. I feel like this has a severe impact on my mental health.

Please don't judge me as I know some of you have ttc for much longer than I am and I hope you're not offended by my post or think it's inappropriate to write something like this.

Hi @stargazer3

I think, like you've alluded to, your mental health is the issue here, not your fertility.

You've had tests done and nothing has indicated that there are any problems. It sounds like you had a really traumatic birth and may be suffering with PTSD.

I'm 36 and had my first DC in June last year. We are now trying for our second (this is our first cycle, I'm in my TWW). Try not to get too hung up on your age, 34 really isn't that old and you're only putting more pressure on yourself.

Have you had a post-birth debrief to talk about your Birth? If not, it might really help x

@stargazer3 sorry for your losses.

I agree with the above poster that this is more about mental health than fertility.

I think conceiving quickly in a pregnancy often gives people an unrealistic expectation about all attempts to conceive. This comes from someone who took 8 months to conceive, twice, with a loss in between.

It's unlikely that you're less fertile after your mc, it's just that the year clock starts again every time and each attempt to fall pregnant is different.

I truly understand the desperation but you're putting a lot of stress and pressure on yourself and this will not help you to fall pregnant. Your body will deal with trying to solve the stress and pressure and conception will not even be factored in because the focus is not there.

Please be kind to yourself . Put down the sticks for a cycle or two.

Hello both,

thanks for replying.

I agree with you that it is also about my mental health and that I feel vulnerable after my miscarriage.

I think I need to focus on my mental health while ttc, someone on another thread recommended meditations on youtube, which I will check out.

I didn't have a birth debrief as I didn't want to see the doctors again after the birth. I handed in a complaint at my hospital and they are investigating it currently. x

Hi @stargazer3 just wanted to check how you are coping? I am exactly in your same situation, so feel free to write me :)

Thank you

@angycandle Hi, thanks for asking :) I have a 9 month old daughter now, she was born in February. I conceived again in June 2021, 4 months after I had my miscarriage. I attached 2 pictures of her, her name is Rose.

We will ttc Nr 3 beginning of next year, hehe. I had a c section with my daughter and I think it might not be as straightforward at my age (I will be 36 in February) to conceive another baby and it might not work at all. But we will try, I keep on thinking it would be nice to have another one.

How are you doing? Are you ttc at the moment? How are things going? You can talk to me as I completely understand how depressing and mentally draining it is xx

@stargazer3 what a lovely update!

I'm now 36+1 with baby number 2!

So happy for you!!! Hopefully I'll be in a similar position soon. I am 35 and RRC for baby #2 since February. Had a miscarriage in march but nothing since then unfortunately

@Chanel05 awww, that's wonderful, massive congratulations. Do you already know if boy or girl? x

@angycandle Don't give up hope! I am really sorry for your loss. I know how much it hurts. But I am positive that you will have a positive pregnancy soon. So many women have success stories after trying for a while x