How do you keep your spirits up when TTC and it just isn't happening?

[mikadolado]

Hi, I have been TTC since last June (so just finished my 11th cycle trying). It hasn't happened for us yet. We just went with the flow for 6 months, now I do ovulation tests. I was quite relaxed for a long time about it but I feel sad now, like time is slipping away. We have a 4 year old son together so we are lucky I know, but I imagine him having a younger sibling, and he would just love being a big brother. My partner is 40.5 and I have just turned 36.
Anyway, how do you pick yourself up and keep trying? Sex has become a chore if I am honest. It has all started to feel pointless, like it isn't going to happen. I have had my bloods checked and a scan done, all were fine. My partner is going to ger checked in 2 months if I am not pregnant by then.
Sorry for rambling. I can't talk about it in real life as nobody really knows we are ttc. Although people keep asking why don't we have another. I just say we would love to, and leave it at that.

Hi @mikadolado we are going into month 10 of ttc. I've had multiple chemical losses and no previous children. We are just about to start our fertility testing. I know exactly how you're feeling. I finished my period recently and waiting to start dtd for this cycle but it feels like the hardest one so far, more so mentally. It is a complete chore, I'm tired of being emotionally up and down. I don't know how people do it for longer! I guess you just get on with it if that's what you really want.

I allow myself to be sad every time I get my period and maybe that helps let it out a bit. Then I get hopeful the further we get into my cycle. But it is a never ending cycle with no ending in sight. It's so tough!

It's great you're getting some testing done. I've started acupuncture which I'm hoping will help me mentally as well as physically. I'm also doing couch to 5k and I think it's helping me feel better mentally. Might be worth it to see what you can to help you mentally? I didn't realise how much of a negative effect it was having on me mentally until recently.

I've also started mentioning it to some friends because at this point it feels weird not talking about this massive thing that's happening in my life and trying to keep it a secret. It's helped me feel a lot better about it, I'm pretty sure these friends wouldn't ask me when but instead would see how I am and be able to support me because they have an idea of what I'm going through.

Sending you some positivity 💕

Try and keep busy I'd say. Make plans for the future instead of keeping it in limbo just in case you're pregnant then. But also it's normal to feel down about it!

I suspect you'll be feeling extra down in the run up to the 1 year mark but honestly I think it gets a bit easier after that.

I wouldn't delay OH's SA though? It could be his problem just as much as yours so I'd recommend he gets it done ASAP.

If you've had your initial checks I'd recommend you ask for a referral to the fertility clinic as those things can take a while.

Hi lovely

TTC #1 for 15 months, 27 and DH 33. We’ve had a couple months off in that time. But recently had my day 2/3 bloods done and apparently I have a fantastic ovarian reserve!! Which is good news, currently awaiting my day 21 test. DH has a son so he hasn’t been tested yet.

So I truly know how you feel, the best thing for me is exactly what Juno231 has said - plan for the future. Book holidays, work out, enjoy life!!! The first year I was upset every new cycle. I’ve somewhat changed the last few months, booked holidays for next year, spending money on whatever I want!! Rather than saving just in case. And wow it feels so good. There’s always other options, I want nothing more than to fall naturally but I’ve really accepted it may not be that journey for me now and I’m ok with that. Me and the hubby are enjoying life and it’s really mad a massive difference to my MH.

Try and focus on something else you love, promise it’ll make it a little easier x

It took us 10 months to get pregnant (I’m currently 12 weeks). My cycles went wonky as we started TTC because of course my body chose that point to decide to whatever it wanted, whenever. So I started using OPKs after the first month because my period was late and the pregnancy tests kept coming back negative. I was confused and upset. I decided it was easier to track then I had an idea of when to expect my period.

TTC had become a chore and it had slowly been building to that for a few months. Month 10 I was definitely over the process and just couldn’t do it. DH kept saying we should be having sex everyday or every other day but I just couldn’t face it. I think it was becoming a chore for DH too because I wasn’t overly into it and I can’t imagine I was much fun. Stopped taking my prenatal vitamins. Didn’t track ovulation, didn’t even notice signs of ovulation. Just sort of shut down from the process and started to prepare myself for going to the doctors. When I got my BFP I’d been having period type cramps for days and I genuinely thought my period was just messing with me. I was so, so annoyed but in my head we were out that month. I’d had a BFN about a week before the BFP and it was DH who made me test again (versus every month before that peeing on a stick about 10dpo, then every day until my period came).

Please do not take this as me saying ‘relax and it’ll happen’. That is not what I’m saying. I was not relaxed the month I fell pregnant. Yes, I’d not been using OPKs that month but I was stressed because I had no idea when my period was due. I didn’t even notice any other signs of other ovulation and I didn’t think I’d ovulated. I was stressed about possibly not ovulating and why my cycles had gone so wonky as soon as we’d started TTC. I’d fallen down many google rabbit holes as to what the hell my body was doing. I was also essentially sulking for the entire month and in such a bad mood. DH wasn’t allowed to ask when my period was due because I didn’t know. He wasn’t allowed to ask when I’d be testing or even if there were any symptoms. I also thought I was actually having a breakdown as I’d been having some dreams that left me very unsettled, which looking back now happened a few days after ovulation so we’re actually very early pregnancy but at the time I had no idea of that. I’m aware it sounds really dramatic now but that was how I felt at the time, probably because I was so down about TTC and the process. We were decorating at the time and I remember being sat in Wickes car park and telling DH that I probably needed some counselling because I was having these unsettling dreams out of nowhere.

I don’t think my month of sulking and disengaging with the process is why I fell pregnant that month. So I’m also not saying throw a massive hissy fit and it’ll happen. This isn’t the new ‘relax and it’ll happen’. But having my sulk, I was in a much better place going into month 11 (when I thought I wasn’t pregnant) than I was going into month 10. It helped that we had sex when we wanted and it felt less like a chore. So I don’t think you have to suck it up every month, keep your spirits up and stay positive. I think it’s perfectly acceptable that you say this month is hard, I’m going to cry or sulk or stamp my feet or go in the garden and see how many swear words I can yell in 2 minutes. I will keep going and keep trying but at this moment my spirits aren’t up and I’m pissed off. I might have another month like this, I might not but I’m going to feel what I feel.

Hopefully you get your BFP soon!

Thankyou so much everyone. You are right about this month seems really rough. I do feel utterly crap about it. So fed up of being 'cool' about it. I am bored of it all!
Can I ask those of you who have had tests how you go about it? As my doctor just sent me for a blood test but not sure exactly what they tested for- I didn't have to go on a particular day of my cycle. No mention of ovarian reserves or anything like that. Tbh my doctor isn't very good! So, do I ask for a referral to a fertility clinic? Will they refer us when we have a child? Also, how does my partner go about being tested, does he just ask his GP, or do we have to go private?
I feel completely lost.

InTheNightWeWillWish And congratulations on your pregnancy! Bet that was a surprise. I will take your advice, thankyou for taking the time to post. I will reread it later again, I appreciate it.

@mikadolado if you're over 35 and have been trying for over 6 months I believe you should be able to get a referral for fertility investigations. Speak to your GP about it and they will have to refer you. The testing will be for both yourself and your partner. I've been referred for recurrent chemical losses and we are about to begin all our testing. They will tell you what tests you both need to get done (I'm having lots of bloods, urine and a HyCoSy to start with, partner is having a semen analysis). Previous to the referral I asked my GP to get an ultrasound done and basic bloods. If they don't refer you you should try another doctor or insist to get referred. Good luck!

choccrumpet How long have you waited to begin testing? I am going to ring the doctors tomorrow to request a phone appointment (they only offer phone appointments which is so annoying as I don't want to discuss it at work where I could be overheard!... where as if it was a face to face appointment I could leave work for it)

@mikadolado I was referred in January and had my first (phone) appointment a week ago so over 4 months. Things might be different now and areas have different timelines (I'm in Berkshire).

Thankfully I'm still working from home so speaking on the phone hasn't been an issue but can appreciate it's not ideal for you! Could you go home for the appointment as if you were going to the actual surgery for the appointment? Hope it goes well for you!

No, I wish I could but it is a 2 hour slot, they won't give a specific time. Booked an initial docs phone call for a week today. Going to ask them for referral. The endless waiting is just soul destroying! We have booked a few nights away at the seaside in August so have that to look forward to, and a night out with my friends in a couple of weeks. Perhaps keeping busy is key!

@mikadolado yes obviously 🤦🏼‍♀️ I somehow forgot the vagueness of GP phone appointments after waiting the whole day for one the other day. It's great you got that booked in! And yes continuing with your life and booking and doing stuff is definitely key, it's what I'm learning recently myself. You can't put yourself on pause, you have to enjoy yourself as well