TTC after miscarriage - when is the right time?

[JemRose]

Hello everyone!

Would love some advise right about now.

Long story short: Unplanned pregnancy last July, DH and I suprised but delighted (as I have PCOS and fertility was looking dire). Ended in missed miscarriage at 12 week scan last September. We where both completely devastated.
After a couple of months, I wanted to try again but he didn't. Cue huge breakdown in communication and a very rocky time for our relationship. I could not understand why he didn't want to try again when he had previously been so delighted to be having a baby, we even moved to a bigger home and started getting things in place to become a family (it would have been our first).

6 months of counselling for me. Weekly 'check ins' with DH. Very slow crawl back into us having a good time together and since then things have become much more positive and we've really fallen in love with each other again. Life is fine, we're both working lots and keeping busy. Planning a holiday. Pretending that something massive isn't missing.

Due date came and went.

Now, finally, DH wants to try again but I feel this horrible feeling of distrust. He told me he wanted to have a baby last time we decided to stop using contraception, but then changed his mind after I'd gone through such a horrible experience. How can I trust that he won't change his mind again? Our relationship suffered so badly from the last miscarriage I don't know if I'll ever be ready to risk that happening again. I'm desperate to have a baby but I don't know how to really truly forgive him abandoning me at that aweful time and backing out of the plan we had made last year.

Anyone out there have any thought or advise?
I honestly can't tell if I should be brave and trust that we've learnt from our past experience and can move forward with our plans to have a family, or if I'll never really feel like I can trust him/the universe again enough try.

Thank you so much if you took the time to read this.

J xx

I’m sorry for your loss.
Seems to me he didn’t want to try again due to your loss.
He may have be scared of it happening again and now he’s in a good place to try again.
My partner took my MC very bad tbh and took awhile to get going again.

So sorry for your loss. I wonder if it was because it was also hard for him to see you so upset. I think sometimes men feel like they don’t have as much of a right to be upset as their partner because they aren’t actually physically going through the miscarriage.

I think all you can do is have a very open conversation with him and let him know how you are feeling and find out how he is feeling too then work together to see if there is a way you can get past this but if not then he will need to accept that it has to be on your timetable and there may never be a right time for you.

Could it be more that he doesn't want to deal with feelings of loss rather than not wanting a child? Did he have any counselling?

Thank you so so much for your responses.

@PinkCookie11 yeah I think you're right, I think he was scared at the time, but is feeling more ready now. Its really reassuring to hear someone else has had a similar experience with partners taking a while to move forward from the loss.

@Haiyaa Thank you so much. Yeah, I was in a really sad place for a long time after the loss and he found it really hard to handle. But he felt with that by backing away and that was so hurtful. I think you are so right about needing an honest open conversation to get this all out in the open. Its just hard opening all this back up when we've spend month trying to forget.

@bitheby Maybe, he definitly wanted to pretend it had never happened for a good while after the loss. Yeah he did have some counselling sessions, which I think helped.

It’s really hard and tbh stressful to get going again.
But as pp a conversation is most needed, everything on the table from both sides.
Once both your feelings are out there you’ll both understand each other that bit more and hopefully move forward.
I hope you get your rainbow baby 🌈❤️