Just fed up (MIL)

[Hoppyhops]

Just feel like I need to vent and then I’ll feel better.

Having a little bbq this afternoon - saw my mother and sister in law for the first time in months. As usual, the conversation turns to who’s newly pregnant and (as usual) my SIL says ‘You’ll be next!’ Which she always says. In all fairness to her, she doesn’t know we’ve already been trying for 2 years and I have had 2 miscarriages. My MIL does know this though.

To stop my SIL from carrying on down that line I just replied with a breezy ‘Unfortunately, it’s not that easy! We’ll see!’ And hoped to leave it at that.
My MIL though started saying ‘I know, aren’t they so SELFISH!? I’m only getting older and I need grandchildren! They’re truly selfish!’

Considering this woman knows how difficult the past two years has been for us and how hard we are finding TTC, it just really stung. I’m not being selfish because I can’t get pregnant and keep a pregnancy. I’d love nothing more. I didn’t know what to say without either shouting or crying. DH sat there oblivious. She is a bit silly and says the wrong thing sometimes but this just really stung. Feel like I need to let it out because I’m just upset.

I would have literally told her to fuck off and left the bbq.

Comments like that when she knows what you've been through - how selfish of HER.

You've done nothing selfish and nothing wrong.

I'm sorry for your struggles
X

@coffeewithmilk Thank you! I honestly didn’t know whether I was just being really sensitive or she was being a massive dickhead. I should have chucked her out but I didn’t want to ruin everyone else’s day and I honestly couldn’t gauge the situation in the moment. I was dreading the topic coming up, as it always does, and just wanted to move on from it asap.

Think I need to avoid her for the foreseeable!

Is there any chance your MIL was trying to distract from talking about your MCs and thought she was helping?! It seems unlikely but that's the only charitable explanation I can think of!

Sorry you are having to go through this.

If she’s normally a nice person then I would guess she was trying to bluff. Mil used to say stuff like this during our infertility struggle and when I was pregnant and we asked her not to tell anyone - to the point where bil was shocked and very disappointed we even had kids. He had assumed we’d be passing our money to his son lol

What a cow! Tell your dh to have a word. Could it be that dh has glossed over it and not actually properly communicated that you have been trying for 2 years? But then even if he did, she still knows about the miscarriages. I’m angry for you op.

Sorry that she spoke about you this way. Even if she was trying to cover it up, it's really hurtful.

People used to say this to me all the time after my wedding and they didn't know I'd had a miscarriage. So I told them. It stuns people into silence and they'll think more carefully next time before asking questions like that.

Yes, there is definitely a chance that she thought she was ‘helping’/ distracting. Before we had the MCs, she used to keep on at us all the time about when she was having grandchildren, she was waiting etc. and she hasn’t been like that since, to be fair. This is the first time, since before the MCs, that she’s spoken like this- so I guess she’s just reverting back to speaking like she used to, maybe!?

I don’t know, even if she isn’t acutely aware of how difficult a time we’re having TTC (DH has had those conversations with her so could very well have glossed over it), she knows about the MCs, so it did sting.

I think PPs are right though, I don’t think she’s malicious- just stupid! I still think I need to not see her for a couple of weeks though - I don’t trust myself not to shout at her

I'm so sorry op, that sounds so upsetting and frustrating. And annoying that your husband didn't pick her up on it.

It does sound like she's properly wedged her foot in her mouth rather than specifically tried to be mean. Some people are just terrible in that kind of situation. When I asked my MIL how she managed to fall asleep on the sofa holding my newborn (#1 cause of infant deaths) she said 'oh, well I can't have been properly asleep because I would have dropped her!" And when I found out my sister has leukaemia she started talking about her friend's friend who had leukaemia and died 👍

Would it make sense to reiterate what a shit time you've been having ttc and saying that her comment upset you? I guess to give her some credit she obviously hasn't told your SIL, but might it be easier if she was aware so she will stop asking too?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Neither my mom nor his mom know about our struggles and his mom is now bringing up kids more and more. These dreams she keeps on seeing with us and a girl. 🙄🙄🙄 It does sound a bit frustrating to hear about it as it's not for the lack of trying.
In your case I'd expect two things ....

1. If your MIL who know about your struggles says something to distract the SIL, she should then pull you aside and say something like she knows you're trying and she's fully supporting you and she just said it to distract. The fact that she didn't makes me feel super uneasy and makes me feel like she's being mean. But...for the sake of your relationship with her I do hope she's just joking. Are you comfortable enough to tell her you didn't appreciate her "joke"?
2. My dear partner better say something when his side of the family is pushing something that's causing me to feel a certain way. I know this is not the same but my partner's dad is like a troll, he loves getting a reaction out of people and he would try to get one out of me. I mentioned it to my husband that I'll stop coming by if all goes gonna say are dumb comments, so next time my partner stood up for me and the comments stopped. This is what I'd expect from him if I stood there and his mom would call me selfish for not giving her grandbabies. I expect him to step in and correct his family (in a nice way of course).

Again sorry you're going through this. I feel like everyone just assumes it's so easy to pop out babies (and maybe for them it was and they don't know any better). I, like you, am tired of people bringing up babies to us. I legit don't even wanna hang out with people who had babies cause it's tough for me. Two MC's down and own chemical this month... No one deserves what we are going through Stay strong!!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️💪

I'm sorry to read about your troubles ttc and the 2mc, people are so thoughtless with their questions , I'm sure they didn't mean to be as mean as they came over but I think it's just they don't think , I expect it was very difficult to stay cool , if you were close to tears perhaps have a little cry openly , difficult but it might be a way to shut down this and future conversations though

What a cow! I recommend ‘Toxic In Laws’ by Susan Forward.