Do we just go for it?

[Isitgonnahappen]

Just looking for other people's objective opinions, and experiences, about whether we start trying for a baby now, or wait.

I have recently turned 30, as has my DH.

The main sticking point for us is that we moved abroad from the UK to another country at the end of last year, now miles away from family. The plan was to move here for a year or two, come back and then start thinking about children (with maternity pay entitlements I would probably be 33 at the earliest before I had a child).

Since I turned 30 a few months ago, I have become so broody. I have always wanted to have children, but it has changed from a vague future plan to what I can only describe as an intense emotional desire, this wasn’t in the plan!

I am really close to my family and my DM regularly speaks about wanting grandchildren. If COVID wasn't an issue, then although it wouldn’t have been ideal, I think they would have come and stayed here for a while, and it could have worked well. We are also really close to DH's family, however he already has several nieces and nephews so it isn't quite as new to them. As it is, we don't really have much indication as to when the borders will open up.

So, do we just go for it, and hope the borders open and my parents will be able to travel to see the baby? (This is all of course working on the assumption that TTC is relatively straightforward). Or do we wait to avoid upsetting our families - especially mine? All I can think of is how sad my DM would be if I become pregnant over here. Should add that I used to have anxiety, I am now on treatment and SO much better, but sometimes I still struggle to work out what is rational and what is my anxiety talking.

TLDR; I've moved abroad and now really want a baby, do I go for it or wait 3 more years till I'm back in the UK to avoid upsetting parents?

Go for it.

I'd say just go for it. You're ttc for you, not for your families. Plenty of people who live in the UK who had babies over lockdown won't have had their families meet baby. Not ideal but it's happened.

You don't know how long it'll take you to ttc. You could start tomorrow and have a baby in 10 months. It might take longer. I started ttc at 28 and from the first month to giving birth was 27 months. This included a missed miscarriage, many, many disappointing months and absolutely no fertility issues.

It's not your responsibility to make your parents happy. I think it would be highly unreasonable of them to get upset if you got pregnant now. I'm pregnant now and haven't seen my mum at all since I conceived due to covid. It's hard but she isn't upset or angry she's delighted I'm having a baby and to be honest the thought I'd seeing the baby is giving her something to look forward to. Plus you don't know how long it will take to get pregnant and covid restrictions are easing. So there's every chance your family can visit.

My worry would be being on maternity in a foreign country. I don't know what your situation is. Do you have friends there? Do you speak the language? Can you go out and meet other mums? This is really important. Otherwise you may feel isolated. Also pregnancy during covid is hard. You don't get to share it or get excited about it in the same way. I haven't really enjoyed this pregnancy because I can't see anyone.

So I think you need to consider these things more than satisfying your parents demands for grandchildren. You are only 30 and have plenty of time. I conceived extremely easily at 35 and 38. But if you are worried maybe go and get a fertility check up to check all is well.

I'd go for it, you can never predict how long it may take to conceive, then add 9 months of pregnancy on top of that! And as I think someone else hinted at, the pandemic has meant even if you were here your family may not have had contact - me and my family are very close and live 2 hours apart (but across borders between England and Wales). Due to covid I've got an 8 month old niece that I've never met and I'm due to give birth in 2 weeks time to DC2 and we haven't seen my in-laws since early last year.

Hi OP, I wouldn't worry about upsetting your parents, I think the thought of their first grandchild will take over and it will be all excitement. If it were me, my only worry would be the maternity pay entitlements. You mentioned that you planned to TTC when back in the UK with entitlements. Would you have any entitlements where you are now or was is just that you were factoring in two years in order to get entitlements and when back in the UK? I would go for it if it would still mean I could have a relaxing time off without worrying about getting back to work ASAP (unless you want to go back ASAP of course). I wouldn't want any worries getting in the way of bonding time with new baby so if there was a chance it would to I would wait, if not I would 100% start now. I have been TTC for just shy of a year and definitely didn't expect it to take as long as it commonly does!

Thanks very much for the replies everyone! Just writing out my post has made my thoughts clearer in my head, and highlighted to me even more that I need to stop letting my DM have control over my life, and have swayed me more towards starting TTC in the near future.

We are very fortunate that we have been able to move to an English speaking country where there are current no community COVID cases (New Zealand) and so life is pretty much normal here. I have made a couple of friends and would look to make some "Mum" friends when the time comes.

And fortunately, parental leave (as it is called here) is also pretty good, I have checked and I will be entitled to a decent amount. It's a good time for me as well, career wise. Essentially I am thinking of the pros and cons out loud here.

My DM was massively upset when we told her we were moving and initially didn't want us to go, I do feel like my family still don't treat me like I'm an adult who can make my own decisions. However, I am aware that this is what they do now, and so I need to not let that influence our decision.

And as everyone as said, who knows it how long it could take! Thanks again for the advice!

I would absolutely do it now in NZ. Hands down.

We were due to move last year but it was all delayed because of the virus, so we’ll move when we can this year, and I’m now 4.5 weeks pregnant. I’m sure people will have something to say when they realise we moved knowing, but it’s our lives and our baby, and they’ll be welcome to visit. I’m not sure there’s ever a perfect time. You could come back at 33 and something else could be happening...

I have anxiety too; and I get the overthinking part completely, but I think this is definitely one of those decisions that you have to make for you.