TTC disagreements

[NewEnglander]

I've always wanted to be a mom, and every since I hit 30, I could hear my biological clock ticking away. Fast forward to today, I'm 37 and still think about it everyday.

My husband and I have been together about 10 years, married for a 1-1/2 years and he's about 10 years older than me. He has two teenagers from a previous marriage, and having another baby has always been a sensitive topic for us. The idea of starting over going through the baby phase, when his kids were older, was always a hard pill for him to swallow since he always thought he'd be a different place and more focused on retirement at this stage. But he knew this one was a deal breaker for me and although he admitted he'd never be excited as I was about it, he agreed he was on board and wanted to move forward and be together.

Fast forward after multiple conversations, we still haven't tried yet. It's a conversation we both tend to avoid, emotions always run high, and I always end up a blubbering mess from the start of the conversation. When we do talk about it, it's always the same ending, if it was up to him he wouldn't but he will (I know it's not the ideal and greatest situation, but here we are). He's always worn a condom and when I've recently asked him not to, it's wrecked the mood because we tend to go back and forth in the heat of the moment (has happened about 3 times). Now I don't even want to initiate sex, because I'm nervous he'll say it again and it'll get me upset. Now I think we both avoid it. Last year we avoided it for about 10 months, and he even said it's because of the baby topic, not that he didn't want to. I've basically reminded him that this was a deal breaker for me. I realize some people may say, why do you want to bring a baby into this situation? Ideally, would I want to have a baby with someone who says they don't want one, NO. But I do want a child of my own, and we do want to be with each other so here we are.

Now that I have turned 37, I made a promise to myself, there's no more dragging our feet on this. I have talked to my doctor and she said that the next step would be an appointment with an OB she recommended to talk about fertility options. I would be completely open to trying IUI or even IVF as another option and to maximize our chances each cycle. I feel like my time is dwindling, what if it takes awhile? What if we finally get pregnant and I miscarry and we have to start all over again? I haven't spoken to him yet about the other options and if that's something he'd be willing to do. I need action over conversations. I just have the hardest time starting the conversation again and it caused me such anxiety. Am I crazy for wanting to go straight to IUI or IVF?

Wow I really feel for you :( I think you need to sit and have an honest conversation as it sounds like he’s saying he will do it but actually isn’t planning to at all. Given then it was a deal breaker for you it’s quite mean on his behalf to keep leading you on if he’s lying about saying he will have a baby with you. To me it sounds like he’s hoping to drag it out as long as possible until it won’t actually be possible anymore and so the decision is made for him. I know it’s hard but I think you’ll have to sit him down and ask him to tell you honestly if he is actually willing to have a baby or not because you want to start right now - surely he understands that, given you’re 37? If his reason is that he doesn’t want to start over then surely the leaves it the worse that problem becomes. Also in that conversation I think you need to make it clear - if he agrees to start trying - that he won’t wear a condom in advance rather than making you be the one who bring it up during sex which undoubtedly kills the mood! X

Your husband doesn’t want a baby OP. You need to make a choice on which is more important to you as you don’t have a huge amount of time left to find someone else if you decide the baby is more important. The resentment your husband will have if you talk him into having a bay he doesn’t want will be huge and will effect your relationship and the child. A few of my friends have been through this and it’s awful, I do feel for you.

At the end of 2020, I had thought long and hard about what was more important, and I really don't think I could live with not being a mom. If we gave it a fair effort and weren't able to - that's a different story. But if he wouldn't, I would have a lifetime of resentment if I stayed with him.

I really thought about, what if it came to divorce and would I ever be a single mom by choice? Although the thought of it is scary and exhausting, I would hate to feel "rushed" and put pressure on myself on finding someone new, or be blinded by the thought of wanting a baby so badly and settle for someone.

I never shared these feelings with him, but soon after coming to that realization, is when he came to me - calm and collective - and said he was ready and although he always gets in his own head, it just took him time to get there. But that hasn't lead to actual trying, and the last time, we had a mood killer moment, he did apologize the next morning and say he was just very tired and wasn't even feeling up to it anyways and should have just said that, and he didn't want me to think he was going back on what we talked about the week prior. I really don't think he has bad intentions but it doesn't change the situation we are in.

He doesn't want a baby but you desperately want to be a mum. In that situation I would end the marriage and go about it myself through ivf or insemination.

I'm sorry OP, I agree with others that your DH does not want a baby and is being very cruel by lying to you. Do you have the finances for private donor insemination (if cycles regular) or IVF (if not)?

@NewEnglander although it sounds good the talk you had at the end of 2020 - that was 4 months ago at least. I don’t want to upset you but if he meant it then wouldn’t you have started trying by now? Each month is an opportunity and before you know it it could be another year again x

My story is similar to yours, but I am few steps (and years I imagine) ahead of you.

I was in a long-term relationship, we loved each other (that's a conversation for another time), I wanted kids and he wanted me.

In the end we broke up, I will be 40 in a few months, and I am starting my IVF journey as soon as possible. I am at the final stage of landing on a clinic.

I cannot say to anyone to break up or to stay together. People gave me advice, I never really listened to it anyways. What I am going to do is give you a few questions to ask yourself.

• Is your relationship a happy one?
• Is there equality? Meaning you give him love and support, does he give you that back?
• Do you understand each other?
• Do you feel he is postponing things you like? For example, my ex always said that he would like a family with me, but not in general, and that he would do this for me (red flag), but he kept postponing ttc, not for weeks, for years and years. And I stayed for years and years.

In any case, postponing a couple of weeks or even a cycle or two is okay, we're all human, maybe he has a lot in his mind atm, wait a bit, think about it, think the possibility to do this on your own. And most importantly, find ways to be okay and happy on your own. This helped me, and that's why I decided not to settle for someone or to harry to find someone else, and I am doing IVF single.

You need to be okay with yourself. Sorry for the long post and if digressed, I just want to support you because I've been through something similar.