broody but skint, any advice?

[tooyoung]

Almost 25, in a great relationship, we would love to have kids but both struggling to get out of debt. We're working on it but it would probably be highly irresponsible to even think about starting a family for another few years. But I can't stop wanting a baby since a hormonal switch was flicked a year or so ago, despite my best efforts. I know I need to concentrate on getting to a point when it would be financially viable, and ideally work from home, but...

I should be doing something useful to that end but instead I'm on mumsnet and I don't even have children! I know it's pathetic and I need to get a grip. Any thoughts?

hi, i was 20 and on my own when i had dd and it was a surprise but its amazing how you can manage (financially), its great you are in a loving relationship and feel ready for a child which is a million times more important than having loads of money (in my opinion) obviously it would be better to be financially stable but doesnt everyone want to be debt free??? not many of us are! as for working from home, you will probably find not many of us do that either! as long as you aren't seriously seriously up to eyes in debt i would say its totally up to you and your partner when you have children, as long as they are going to be loved and cared for.

Hey tooyoung, I am in a similar position to you. 25 feeling broody but know that the time is not right just yet. DH and I would like to be debt free (except for mortgage) before we ttc. You aren't pathetic for thinking about these things, if anything it is very responsible of you. I'm not one of those people who just jumps in head first, I like to research and have all the info possible before I do something - and let's face it, bringing a life into this world is probably the biggest thing you'll ever do.

Thanks so much, was probably expecting to get a mild slap for my imaginary problems... having been brought up in a single parent family, I do realise the difficulties involved, and the whole 'there's no good time to have kids' thing. Mainly I suppose I totally never expected to become one of those I-WANT-A-BABY type of women, I was the exact opposite, until a certain point and then everything seemed to change and I literally can't stop thinking about it. Think I really squeezed every last drop of bad behaviour out of my youth and now I(and he) feel ready to move on to the next stage but being unable to due to being in debt is awful! I know my mum managed OK and did a fantastic job but I also know that probably she didn't really have the time to enjoy it because she had to work so hard to keep everything going. I know I don't want that for myself, I want to be able to be there and enjoy that short time, but I guess it's unrealistic.

Thanks again anyway, for not pointing out how stupid this kind of navel-gazing is!

You can't switch off that broody feeling. Once it's there, it's there, and only a baby will make it go away.

I was really broody for kids from about 23 and after I met my now dh at 25 the urge became really strong. In those first whirlwind months of being together I think both of us secretly hoped we´d have an (happy) ´accident´ but we didn´t and I really am glad now. We enjoyed each other, got married, travelled a bit and at 28 I got pregnant. I know your issue is debt rather than your relationship but whatever it is, you are totally right to wait until you have other (controllable) aspects of your life more under control. I knew having a baby would be huge but until I had him I really in a million years could not have understood exactly how huge. We´re not exactly well off but we´ve not had to worry (much) about money while I was on maternity leave and now that I am working part time and it is such a blessing as it´s left us more time and energy to concentrate on our baby and learning to be parents.

It´s so hard wanting a baby and not having one. And if you did get pregnant, your baby would still be loved and wanted and that is the most important thing. You´d still enjoy him/ her so much and they would still change your life for the better. But if you do have niggling doubts that you should sort other things out first then trust yourself cos once you´ve got that baby you´ll always have them and you´ll be able to relax and enjoy more without a big cloud of debt over your head

Tooyoung, I think the best thing to do would be to try and set out a plan - how much you can afford to pay off the debt each month, and then how many months it will take you. I've done this and although it is a bit depressing at first, each month you do feel like you a chipping away at it......I hoping to have ours cleared by May next year, but that might be a little ambitious! Then it will be time to start putting money into the empty savings account!! It does seem a bit task at times but I don't think would feel right ttc until we have sorted this out.

I would start trying now. As long as you (preferably both) have a permanent job you will be fine.

It normally takes up to a year to get pregnant and then another nine months to have the baby. Even if you take the average of just 3 months to get pregnant, that still means you're a year a way from having the baby.

You will then get paid maternity leave of 6 weeks at 90% and the parental allowance up until the 40 weeks.

If you want to work from home you don't need to wait until you have kids. Try to get your company to agree to starting now one morning a week and then build on it.

Just don't waste money on ovulation and pregnancy tests etc they cost a fortune (and are addictive).

Hope this doesn't sound too flippant, but I think we will get a kitten! Maybe it will mop up all those maternal feelings for now, and give me something to look after. Hope it helps anyway, might just make it worse!

It might help actually to get a pet! It will give you something to concentrate on and care for while you decide how long you want to wait to try for kids. All I can say is I was 24 when I became a mum and we were not well off, and had debts which are nearly gone 5 years later, and 3 kids later ! Having kids was the best thing I ever did as it made me become the person I always wanted to do (sorry that sounds mushy) But if your head says wait then you are being very sensible and responsible. Just don't wait too long !

Hey tooyoung, I think a lot of people do this.....we have no pets and no baby so perhaps that is why I am feeling so damn broody lately! DH is not a fan of cats and dogs in general so even I wanted to get one I don't think I'd be allowed!

Chankins, I like your post. Sometimes we can let our head rule too much and sometimes you do just have to listen to your heart I think...

Lol MyJobIsMum! Am I that notorious now?
I'm feeling exceptionally broody this week, don't quite know what has come over me..

cosmogirl - well it worked for us anyway, but I do admire people waiting to concieve because they want to do it at the right time. Me and DH realised the other day that all of his good friends own their homes now, but none have kids yet, while all of my friends have the kids, but cannot afford to buy a house, like us ! Sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing, maybe we should have worked longer and harder, bought a house and then had the kids, but the friends that have done this are now in an awkward position as they have huge mortgages they are struggling to pay, so cannot afford to stop work to have kids. Sad really. I wouldn't change a thing about our situation, as much as I dream about owning our own home. I was a crap person until I had kids, and I have a lot to thank them for.

myjobismum - yeah actually I am really glad we did it this way round, looking at the state of the market at the mo !
It has enabled me to stay at home with mine too, and work as a CM to up the income a bit. Our plan at the mo is for me to increase hours in january, and DH to ask for pay rise or get better job, then look at shared ownership maybe, or just keep plodding on !
But I do agree worrying about money in the early days can be horrible, so you have to be sure you and your partner are happy to be skint a bit longer ! But saying that, I don't think having your first baby is as expensive as some people make it. We had loads given to us, or lent to us, like the cot and buggy etc, clothes, toys, we hardly bought a thing ! You just keep things simple, and maybe cut down on other things. Its not that bad is it ?

tooyoung - I got two kittens two months ago to fill the void; we are skint (motgage bad) and it will be a struggle to have a baby. BUT, and as I type my cats are next to me, not six weeks had passed before I wanted a baby again. So dh and I are ttc once more. So, hopefully, will have two cats and a baby. And no money.

I'm a bit older than you (28) and I've had a few gyne problems that have made me worry that we might have problems conceiving. I think it's this that has made me go for it. However, if I sound flippant about this, we will be able to pay the bills and have a baby; it's just that I will have to work full time still and we will have to be extremely careful with money - something we've always been a bit rubbish at. It's not ideal - in an ideal world I would pack in work for a few years - but this is never going to happen, and I know that I want a family regardless. I think many people are in this awkward situation now thanks to raised house prices.

Sorry chankins - you've pretty much said the same thing! Houses or babies - its apalling that there has to be a choice between the two. Why do we work? Surely to have a secure home and a family - and the ability to take some time for that family away from work to raise that family as we need to. It makes me so fed up that having simple things costs so much, in terms of both money and emotional strain .

Abby, you made me laugh and spit coffee over the keyboard. Only six weeks respite, oh well, so much for that! All the best for ttc, though, really hope it works out for you, and everyone else also trying.

Thankfully, me and dh made a pact not to bother even thinking about buying a flat til it wouldn't be a struggle at all(misguided belief that one day we'll actually have some money, unlikely since we're both more interested in quality of life than wages!), having seen how some of our friends are struggling with burden of mortgage.

Am very cheesily heartened by finding how many people are in the same boat, and also saddened by the double-bind decision of work/children first that has to be made...this bloody country!

I don't think I could go back to work if I had a baby, I'm so soppy I'd be a complete mess. But then I've got a job, not a career...