Hello everyone,
This is my first post so apologies if I don’t use the right terminology etc - tbh, even signing up for this website feels a bit upsetting as I’m not a Mum...
This will also probably be quite a long post, I’d really like to just get it all down on “paper”.
I’m 36 and my husband’s 53. When we were dating we were basically in the same place about kids, the classic, “yep, probably, at some point, not quite yet”. Our contraceptive method has always been him withdrawing. He’s a bit on the autistic spectrum I think (undiagnosed), and finds change and compromise difficult and distressing. He works in the arts and focusses very hard on improving his craft. I enjoy my job and hate being bored but I don’t feel that drive and focus that he does about his passion.
We got married a year and a half ago and on our honeymoon just had a really romantic time and went with our feelings. I don’t think either of us were thinking we were “trying” but also both of us were happy to see what happened. Well, I got pregnant.
It took a bit of getting used to for us both, to be honest, we like our free life and were looking forward to enjoying being married for a bit, but after a month or so we got used to the idea and started to feel excited. We started discussing names and looking forward to seeing the baby for the first time at the 12wk scan.
When the scan came round I knew something was wrong as soon as the radiographer put the wand on my belly. She asked me if I’d had any pain or bleeding and seemed really surprised that I hadn’t. There was “nothing there” she said. We’d had what’s called a “missed” or “silent” miscarriage. (I prefer the second term btw, I didn’t “miss” it, it wasn’t like I wasn’t paying attention...). I opted to let the miscarriage happen naturally and a fortnight later ended up being blue-lighted to hospital with low blood-pressure having spent the whole night bleeding in the bath. I then had to have it completed surgically anyway.
After that I was keen to try again ASAP. I’d made that mental jump in my 3 months of pregnancy and got through regretting the loss of the old life - I was ready for the change. But my husband is back where we were before “maybe at some point, not quite yet”.
Now, 14 months on I feel as though I’m watching sand running through an hourglass. I’d love to be able to put it off, say ok, no worries, not until you’re comfortable, but I’m 36; time is beginning to run out.
Now I really love my husband, honestly my relationship with him is the most important things in my life, so although having a baby feels really important, it’s not as if it feels more important than being with him. I guess my biggest fear really is that we won’t start a family and then something will go wrong with us and I’ll find myself in my 40s, divorced, childless (no disrespect to anyone in that position, it’s not that I see it as a “failure” per say, it’s just not what I want for myself) and time for children having run out, with nothing.
It’s become a bit of a no-go area to talk about between us as he’s aware that I’m unhappy but just doesn’t feel able to compromise. He doesn’t get irritated or angry with me mentioning it, he just gets sad and down on himself. I think the hospitalisation with the miscarriage affected him more than me - for me it was painful and scary, but the really harrowing moment, when the radiographer told us the baby was gone, was already over. Whereas my husband says it’s made the whole idea of pregnancy feel negative for him.
Anyway, this has been a bit of a rant but I just wanted to share it. I just wish we could have some more time, but it’s slipping away.
Thanks for reading.