Feel like giving up/jealousy

[Loliie]

We have been TTC for over a year and mentally it has been really hard for me. We have a little boy already (we are so grateful and know just how lucky we are to have him) who is now 19 months. We always wanted our kids close together preferably around 18 months apart because both me and my partner have big age gaps between us and our siblings. Now we are starting to feel disappointed that it isn’t going the way we wanted and are trying to keep thinking that it will happen when it happens and it will still be just as amazing when it does but it has been really difficult. We had a miscarriage in April last year and we were due around November time which was made even more difficult when his sister announced she was welcoming a baby in November too. Since our niece has been born we have both felt quite jealous and almost bitter because our family has sort of pushed the milestones and first Christmas in our face even tho they knew we were due our baby at the same time and had lost those moments. I’m finding the disappointment almost unbearable every month and feel like giving up.

Hi @Loliie, sorry to hear what you’re going through, just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone 💕 I had a miscarriage a few years ago then a few weeks later my partners sister announced she was pregnant and due when we would have been due. I feel the same way as you and can’t really bring myself to show any interest in her baby, it’s hard and I always feel that it should be us 😞

Sorry not sure that helps but please don’t give up, have you thought about going to the docs if it’s been over a year?

We took some time off ttc for various reasons but on month 4 of trying this time, here if you want to chat x

It’s nice knowing I’m not alone. I really feel guilty that I just can’t bond or show any interest in her at all because she’s a lovely baby but I can’t help but think that should be us. My doctors told me they can’t do much until it’s been 18 month because it can take up to 18 months to get pregnant after the depo shot x

Oh @Loliie, I know what this is like. Our beautiful child was a little IVF baby and after a failed second round of IVF we are now expecting their sibling in October. I don't say this to make you hurt- but to give you hope that there are ways and means. I know all too well the hurt and pain you are feeling. It is like a physical grief. I can only describe it as a white hot pain in my chest and stomach that I used to feel. Be kind to yourself and let yourself feel it. It is so, so hard x

Thank you @Springb0ks, congratulations! That is exactly how I feel, a feeling that you can’t explain to someone who hasn’t gone through it.
I tell myself every month before I test that I won’t be disappointed but the second I see the negative test it hits me x

If your baby is only nineteen months old it is a bit soon to be worrying about secondary infertility. You probably will conceive again quite soon but stop stressing about it. Anxiety does not help fertility one bit, quite the opposite! Try to think about, and enjoy, other things. I'm sure you have a lot to be thankful for.

Your body and mind have taken a little time to recover from your miscarriage (Your miscarriage, not your husband's), but it doesn't sound as though there is anything wrong with you.

Don't be so anxious or obsessed about age gaps between children. Three to four years is quite normal (though it may not be that long in your case), and who wants two babies in nappies?

Please do try to relax. That is the first step towards being completely healthy.

@Loliie you are in exactly the same situation as me! It's crazy reading it. I have an 18 month old and had a miscarriage in March last year with a due date in November. We have been trying since with no luck. I totally get how you feel. I was preparing to have a 13 month age gap and now it would be 27 months if I got pregnant this month. We have started some investigations as my husband is 41 and although I'm 32 I have thyroid issues. My doctor had no issues referring us for some tests at 12 months so would just push for that.

I had a pretty traumatic birth with my son and had a serious infection for a while afterwards which has caused some scarring in my womb and tubes so I worry I won’t be able to carry another successfully pregnancy and I don’t think the depo injection really helped because now I’ve read more negative stories than positive about TTC after it

@Loliie I have probably spent a good five years of my life unable to conceive and have learnt so much. I remember days crying when I had a negative test and TTC would occupy my every thought. Standing next to you in solidarity and keeping my fingers crossed for you now! There is so much support and help out there if you do struggle to conceive naturally. As it's your second child I don't think you would be eligible for fertility treatment via the NHS so remember if you do go down this route you can refer yourself privately whenever you like.

I think that it's very sad that you had an early mc, but it's unfair to think that the arrival of your nieve has been pushed in your face. The milestones are going to happen and no matter what, this won't change what happened to your pregnancy. Given we were in lockdown, I struggle to see how they are pushing it down your throat so to speak, you presumably can silence notifications if you feel there are too many photos etc. But why shouldn't they be happy? You celebrated all of your first child's milestones and they're doing the same.

Given you have one child, you won't get nhs assistance. So really, you need to decide whether to just continue to ttc and see what happens or look into private fertility clinics. Given you haven't mentioned any gynae issues post birth, the nhs are unlikely to do a great deal, even if scarred. So privately a hysterescopy may help.

I think it’s perfectly fair to be excited for your child’s milestones but it is also unfair to know that your brother and his wife have suffered a loss and constantly sending them messages and pictures even when they have said they are struggling mentally with the loss. I have mentioned having gynae issues in previous comments, I have scarring in my womb and tubes from a bad infection. I do not have social media and we have mentioned that constant photos and updates are hard for us and they continue to do it so I think I’m allowed to feel it’s being pushed in my face when we have repeatedly told them what we are going through.

I have had multiple infections since giving birth and had bleed issues too. I am aware I won’t receive IVF or fertility treatment on the NHS and as hard as that is I totally agree that it should be given to people who have no children. My problem is just how hard mentally it is TTC and how much hate you get for talking about your feelings or thoughts. I have seen a lot of women come on here and talk about their problems or ask for advice and be welcomed by some lovely people but also receive a lot of hate or snide comments about it which I think is unfair @BusyLizzie61.
I wasn’t asking for you to tell me why I shouldn’t feel like that or that I’m being unfair I was looking for people who have experienced what I am going through and could help me feel not so isolated. So in future maybe refrain from being so hostile because you never know how hard someone is struggling

@Loliie

I have had multiple infections since giving birth and had bleed issues too. I am aware I won’t receive IVF or fertility treatment on the NHS and as hard as that is I totally agree that it should be given to people who have no children. My problem is just how hard mentally it is TTC and how much hate you get for talking about your feelings or thoughts. I have seen a lot of women come on here and talk about their problems or ask for advice and be welcomed by some lovely people but also receive a lot of hate or snide comments about it which I think is unfair *@BusyLizzie61*. I wasn’t asking for you to tell me why I shouldn’t feel like that or that I’m being unfair I was looking for people who have experienced what I am going through and could help me feel not so isolated. So in future maybe refrain from being so hostile because you never know how hard someone is struggling

There is no hate intended here. I have fertility issues, and struggled to even be in a position where ttc was even a possibility. So I fully understand the issues. Including family members getting easily pregnant despite my many cycles.

BUT, the niece is here now, your hoped for baby isn't and sadly, the niece will have their first Easter, first step, first word, birthday etc and it's incredibly unhealthy for you to continue to have issues with this very much here child.
It's hard. Gosh do I know it. But I also know that sometimes we have to appreciate what we have more than focus on what we don't have. Yes, I have an only child. I would have loved a second. But I am so appreciative of what I do have and don't begrudge the subsequent children that my siblings have had, when I haven't.
Think of this from your sibling's perspective. A year on from your mc, is still required to not celebrate their child's life. That you don't wish to fulfil the role of Aunty, being pleased for all, because you're so focussed on an event that happened in the early days of a pregnancy a year before. Whereas your niece is very much in the here and now.
If it's really impacting this significantly, I think that you probably would be well advised to seek counselling and delay ttc further as atm this is significantly impacting on your MH and means you're not really in a sort of suitable place to be ttc again. Not to mention that your own first born is probably negatively impacted whilst your focus is solely on attaining number 2.

In my eyes if they can’t show support for what we have gone through or at least pretend to then why should I pretend to enjoy being an auntie? Support shouldn’t just go one way

Again after saying you aren’t being hateful you continue to be hateful. I was looking for people who have experienced this also not Karen’s trying to make me feel bad, so if you can’t refrain from that then stop commenting :)

I understand how you feel. My husband and I have been TTC #1 for a long time. Within that time, my SIL has had 2 kids. I love them but I find pictures/updates tough at times. You could mute the chat? If that's not possible, I tend to just send a generic heart emoji, or 'cute'. Hope it happens for you soon.

@Loliie, firstly I wanted to say so sorry for your loss. I lost identical twins last July who would have been due beginning of December. In October my niece was born, I massively struggled with chat about her etc, with lockdown it has meant we haven't had to see them, I am not sure if they is just saving up the issue.
I just want to give you hope as I am now 18 wks pregnant and so far so gd. I know completely how you feel with TTC it is so hard and although you know you should try and relax it's like your brain doesn't let you. I hope you get your rainbow pregnancy soon xx

@Loliie

I think it’s perfectly fair to be excited for your child’s milestones but it is also unfair to know that your brother and his wife have suffered a loss and constantly sending them messages and pictures even when they have said they are struggling mentally with the loss. I have mentioned having gynae issues in previous comments, I have scarring in my womb and tubes from a bad infection. I do not have social media and we have mentioned that constant photos and updates are hard for us and they continue to do it so I think I’m allowed to feel it’s being pushed in my face when we have repeatedly told them what we are going through.

They probably think you don't mind because you do have a child, even though you have since suffered a miscarriage. I doubt they mean to be insensitive, it's more, "Aren't we fortunate to have children". They are family and probably want to include you so that you are all part of a closely knit unit. Your two children are cousins and some cousins are as close as siblings so please try think of it in that way.

If it bothers you at the moment, you don't have to pay attention to the messages and photographs. However you cannot avoid seeing their child occasionally at gatherings.

I do hope you manage to have another child, people do despite scarring, fibroids and PCOS. However there is no point in being unhappy if you don't when you have a child - and a niece. You may not be particularly interested in your niece at the moment but that could change over time.

In your place I would enjoy what I have rather than longing for something else, and leave the rest to nature.

[quote Crazylemon86]@Loliie, firstly I wanted to say so sorry for your loss. I lost identical twins last July who would have been due beginning of December. In October my niece was born, I massively struggled with chat about her etc, with lockdown it has meant we haven't had to see them, I am not sure if they is just saving up the issue.
I just want to give you hope as I am now 18 wks pregnant and so far so gd. I know completely how you feel with TTC it is so hard and although you know you should try and relax it's like your brain doesn't let you. I hope you get your rainbow pregnancy soon xx[/quote]
I am so sorry for your loss. I’m happy to hear that you are expecting again and I hope everything goes well and safe for you both! X

TTC is shit, TTC after loss is shitter. I have a 4yo who is the light of my life. After six months of not trying, not preventing we started trying properly. That was in December 2019. Was then told I was basically infertile in the January. Fell pregnant in July 2020, lost our second son at 21+4. Then a chemical. It's shit.

I would say though, don't assume you wouldn't qualify for any fertility help. Perhaps not a round of IVF but investigations and medicines you probably would. I'm due a scan, blood test and then either clomid or whatever. Dh is also due a sperm analysis.

I will also say, protect yourself, protect your mental health. I had to leave a friendship group because a friends pregnancy ran parallel to mine. Her baby was born and mine is dead and its too much for me. Ironically, I can deal with babies in real life mostly, I still try to keep myself away though. It hurts my heart too much at the moment.

@BusyLizzie61 your messages are unkind and totally uncalled for.

OP your feelings are valid and totally normal and understandable. I struggled to conceive number 2, after a traumatic birth with no 1 where things went wrong and I was scared it had made me infertile. I’m now pregnant, so don’t give up hope. One thing I did do the month I conceived was pay for a private hycosy. I have no idea whether this helped or it was just a coincidence, but perhaps worth a try?

Xx

[quote Bizawit]@BusyLizzie61 your messages are unkind and totally uncalled for.

OP your feelings are valid and totally normal and understandable. I struggled to conceive number 2, after a traumatic birth with no 1 where things went wrong and I was scared it had made me infertile. I’m now pregnant, so don’t give up hope. One thing I did do the month I conceived was pay for a private hycosy. I have no idea whether this helped or it was just a coincidence, but perhaps worth a try?

Xx[/quote]
The advice you have given is along the lines of mine!
. The biggest difference is that a year on, the op should be more focussed on the living, not the few foetal cells that died. As stark as it is, that's what it was. It could have become a baby. But it didn't. It remained at this very early stage of development. And ultimately, op will never know if this was due to extreme genetic issues etc or not. It very sadly wasn't meant to be.
However, she has a very much alive child who she's at risk of realising has grown up and she's missed it whilst she's allowing herself to remain in this mindset obsessed with the fantasy of a second and to boot punishing her family who happened to have the luck of having a baby girl.
. Focusing on what we have and not what we don't have, is so much healthier for all concerned.

Wow your extremely rude and insensitive. I haven’t punished my family at all, I’m allowed to set boundaries and tell people my experience too. There has been times we have refrained from talking about major things in our life because of their feelings and what not. I hope you never have to go through a miscarriage because I’m sure you’d not think of it as a “fee foetal cells”. Maybe stay off threads where people are talking about feelings if you are going to be an insensitive cow.

I also am very present in my sons life and never once mentioned not living in the moment with him. I am extremely grateful and happy for him and have celebrated everyday that I have with him. Just because I am upset about not being able to conceive a 2nd child has nothing to do with me not appreciating or being present for my child. I didn’t realise wanting another child would make me a shit mum to my first one

I’m sorry for your loss and your pain OP. You have my sympathy

I’m not sure it’s fair to say your SIL is being insensitive. I have had 4 MC and I still love seeing updates and photos of milestones about my nephews. I would feel more hurt if my family left me out of the chat. I’m not saying your feelings are not valid, just that not everyone would feel the way you do and therefore you can’t expect people to know how you are feeling. It might be worth explaining how you are feeling to SIL. Or if you don’t have the type relationship that you could do that maybe mute the chat for a while. When dealing with grief and loss of any kind excepting that life goes on, the world keeps turning and not everyone is feeling your pain is one of the hardest parts. I hope you manage to find some peace.

On a practical note, it may be worth seeing a GP for some basic bloods etc to make sure there is nothing obviously wrong. I remember my GP telling me that the depo injection is one of the worst forms of contraception for fertility returning quickly so it may just take a little longer than you hoped. And there are over 3 years between my brother and I and we are very close and good friends so try not to stress too much about age gaps.