Really struggling with the emotional toll of ttc

[hullabaloo19]

I'm feeling really upset and frustrated today and feel like there's nowhere I can properly express myself :( third cycle ttc and fairly certain I had a chemical pregnancy last month. I feel like I can't help thinking about ttc all the time (less so each month from period to ovulation as I know there's not much to think about then really, other than testing for ovulation which I don't feel stressed by). I'm tracking ovulation and symptoms and not testing obsessively (I am 11dpo today and have only tested once, yesterday -bfn). I'm a bit afraid to test this month. I'm really impatient, which makes the tww very difficult (I know it's hard for everyone, impatient or not!) and I feel like I can't really talk to dp or family and friends. I do say the occasional thing about symptoms, but mostly people are just like 'oh okay' kind of thing. And I don't even expect them to care much more than that, but I just feel so alone with being consumed by thoughts about whether I am, whether this symptom is a sign, whether I might have another chemical, whether the test will be negative etc etc. I've been following threads about conception and the tww, and commenting sometimes, hoping that it will help me get some of these thoughts out of me but it just doesn't make me feel any better. I've thought about 'not trying' for a while, but I feel like I'll still wonder if I am and symptom spot and like the only thing that would change really is that I wouldn't test for ovulation, which ultimately would just lower our chances those months I'm sure feeling this way is actually quite common among women ttc, but just wanted to get this off my chest. I would really appreciate any support or advice or company that people can offer x

Hi, sorry you are feeling like this I can fully understand how ttc can consume you and be very upsetting, may I ask if you've come off the pill, coil or implant before ttc

Thank you. No I've been off the pill since nov 2019 and used condoms until ttc

I totally understand how you're feeling. My husband and I have been TTC for 4 months and it's been so much harder than I ever imagined! It just takes over my brain for most of the month. It's been an emotional rollercoaster! First three months I tracked my temps and did OPks but this last month I stopped doing my temps and it was making me think about TTC the second I woke up every day which I needed a break from!! It's so hard, people tell us to "just relax" but that's basically impossible!! I have no answers for you, just wanted to say I totally get how you're feeling. You are not alone x

Thank you both x

Definitely @Happycamper17 most people just think I should just chill and wait and see. But for me, when I decide I want something I want it ASAP!

Yep me too! And after spending so long trying not to get pregnant it's hard to get my head around this being pretty much out of my control! I'm taking my vitamins, laying off the booze, DTD in the fertile window, trying to eat healthy etc. The rest is up to chance! Doesn't help that all my friends basically blinked and got pregnant over the last few months. This shit is hard!! And I know what you mean about not trying for a month. That's kinda what I tried to do this month but I'm still symptom spotting and counting days until I can test. I think we just need to accept that it's a really hard time and not feel bad or guilty for how much it's in our minds. I'm sorry you had a negative test today, but it could still happen for you this month. Don't lose hope. And if it turns out that this isn't your month, it'll be hard and upsetting but you'll pick yourself up and do it all again xx

Thanks @Happycamper17 :)

It is so tough and I really didn't expect it. My dd(9) was a massive surprise so I didn't have to think about any of this then!

Some perspective might help.
Try reading the infertility boards.

No one likes waiting once you've set your mind to something. But really, three months is nothing in the scale of things.

Perhaps some perspective would help me reframe it @Botanica

@Botanica

Some perspective might help. Try reading the infertility boards.

No one likes waiting once you've set your mind to something. But really, three months is nothing in the scale of things.

Exactly.

Sorry OP, I stopped reading after third cycle.

I can complete understand this feeling and sympathise OP! Although (and I know it's never fun to hear) but 3 cycles for the majority of people is very early days, even for perfectly healthy couples the average is still a year.
I know that that doesn't help at all or make things better when you want it that badly though.
Keep trying though, and try keep yourself busy as much as you can (easier said than done I know).

It took my DP and I 2 years to finally conceive and I'm currently 32 weeks with said baby. As the months went by it did very much consume me and I just wasn't understanding why it wasn't happening when, like you, so many people around me seemed to be pregnant! After 18 months TTC we finally got our BFP and I was over the moon! Unfortunately we lost that baby at 7 weeks. I was devastated and it took us another 6 months after that but we've finally done it. It's a long, hard road but you will get there in the end, just hang in there!
Fwiw, I know it's such a cliche and I hated people saying it to me, but the month we did finally fall pregnant (after 2 years, the one that stuck, not the MC) was the month that we weren't trying. We were due to go on holiday round about the time I ovulated so I didn't think there was any point in tracking and decided just to take a month off and enjoy our holiday and wait until we were home the next month to start again. We only had sex once that month (partner was working away) and that once was the time it happened. It really does just take one time!

Fingers crossed it happens soon for you 🤞

Congratulations @Lou98 :) I'm sorry for your struggle and loss, it must have been very difficult.

I do get that third cycle is nothing in the grand scheme of things. And I'm not moaning about it taking 'so long', I just feel frustrated that it's so consuming, and honestly I'm really worried that it will take a good long while and I'll be feeling like this every month for however long it takes. Because ultimately, it's not nice to feel this way. Also, to add a little context, this is not technically my third cycle ttc, it's more like my 7th, but not in succession. Dp and I started trying in nov 2019 for about 4 months (I didn't track ovulation then) but we were having quite a rough time so decided to stop trying as we didn't believe it was the time to be bringing a baby into the world. I was really upset (though I did believe it was the right thing to do) and we put it off until December/Jan just gone. So even though we haven't been trying the whole time, I still feel like I've been waiting a long time since we first decided we wanted to have a baby, and that wanting didn't go away while we weren't trying. So I do think that influences my feelings too.

Perhaps I should have worded the title slightly differently, in hindsight I can imagine there may be a few people who have been trying for a while that would read it and think it was more relevant to them and then have been upset/frustrated that it's someone who's been ttc for a very short amount of time. I apologise if it makes anyone feel that.

It's hard too wait when it's something you really want, of course it is. With my exH I got pregnant the first time on the pill, obviously not trying at all. Sadly that pregnancy ended in stillbirth. I tried frantically with DD2 and got pregnant 3rd cycle (which at the time felt like a life time). I'm now ttc with DP and have just had a negative test cycle 6. It's disheartening and hard but I try to remind myself that it's likely very normal, and that actually the whole process is largely out of my control. It will happen when it happens, or it won't, and there's little more I can do. I just keep having regular unprotected sex.

Things I find helpful to not become too obsessed: track as little as possible. I can tell when I ovulate anyway but I don't use OPKs or apps etc, tend to naturally have sex every other day most of the month so I don't exactly need to know when I ovulate. Test as little as possible. Generally I don't test unless period late, don't need the drama of staring at tests for hours and googling. This month I tested early as I'm away for a little holiday when AF due and wanted a heads up. I regret it. Honestly the most helpful thing for me is avoiding as far as possible the ttc boards! I enjoy reading them but they definitely make me feel more anxious and consumed so I seriously limit it. Stoping myself googling symptoms etc really helps too. Hang in there.

I was exactly the same. The only thing that made me not feel like this was forgetting all of the testing for ovulation and just having sex every day- or every other day if we couldn’t face it!- but practically every day. Even when it seemed pointless and like ovulation had probably passed. I did this on the month I got pregnant with DD1, which was the eighth month of trying (had sex 29 times that month. Pretty much put us off for life) and decided when we wanted to try again to use this method (we did it 30 times that month. Was basically hell) and it worked, got pregnant with DD2 first go.

I know it’s not wholly scientific but we decided to throw a lot of sperm at the wall and see what stuck! Much less stressful than plotting the days for me.

Thanks so much for responses :) it's comforting to feel a little less alone. I know a few people who have recently had babies but no one ttc so really don't have many people I can discuss this stuff with.

I think I will try and track less next month. I might still track ovulation, as I've only tracked for a short while so don't know if I ovulate at the same time every cycle. But maybe use my app for that and only that (I had also been tracking moods and symptoms, but not bbt or cm etc), and if I feel like it's heightening my stress then stop.

I had a bfn on a frer this morning (12dpo), and symptoms have all but disappeared so I think I'm out this month and don't feel too bad about that today. Hopefully next month will be less emotionally stressful. Thanks again, and the best of luck to all of you that are currently ttc x

I was the same OP. Just because some people have it worse than you doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid. I was lucky to fall pregnant this time on cycle 3 but it felt like forever and I’ve never been driven so mad by something before!

@lobster8 is v wise. Particularly on testing early - they are really inaccurate before AF is due. If 10 pregnant women poas at 10dpo, 7 would get a negative result. So an early negative could be either a true negative or a “not yet accurate” negative. I found that a really difficult combination of disappointment and possible hope.

TTC is shit. Its exhausting and consuming if you let it be. I've given up, emotionally, but am still opk-ING and temping, albeit half arsed. Mainly just DTD every other day and using preseed.

Third cycle is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it feels endless when you want something badly, I get it.

We started TTC in December 2019. Fell pregnant in June 2020, lost DS2 at 21+4 in November. Chemical pregnancy in January.

lobster8 I'm so sorry for your loss

Hi Hullabaloo, it can be tough. I'm in my late 30s and it took me 9 months of actively ttc, including using opks and charting my basal body temperature.

3 months really is nothing in the scheme of things, but when everyone around you seems to fall pregnant straight away, it doesn't help.

There are lots of fertility meditations out there, most of which I found far too cheesy for my liking. However, there is a YouTube channel called Fertility for the Soul, which I liked. The woman has put together a lot of meditations which I found helpful. They helped me to view getting pregnant as a journey and the meditations helped me to enjoy the journey rather than seeing every period as a sign of failure.

You're only on your third cycle. Chances are you will be able to conceive. Sometimes these things just take a while.