Miscarriage DP reaction

[Watercolorbird]

Hi all,

I’ve just had a miscarriage. Early days and we didn’t know I was pregnant but we were trying so quite upset.

From Wed my partner has been really supportive and looking after me.

But tonight he’s playing games with his mates drinking and having a wonderful time by the sounds of it laughing his head off. He sheepishly came in and asked if i wanted him to stop playing but I told him to go away and he’s not that upset and he’s got the face on now. I don’t want him to ask my permission. I want him to see that I need some attention and to wan to spend the time with me whilst I’m going through this.

I’m all for him taking his mind off it and distracting himself but he’s positively gidd and gleeful and it hurts and I’m feeling a bit abandoned. Am I wrong to be angry???

I don’t think it’s the same for men really, having been there myself. There’s two things that could be happening here. He could be masking his feelings, compartmentalising and moving on ( which I reckon is what’s happening) or he genuinely wasn’t that bothered ( but I doubt that’s the case). I think you are right to want him with you but not right to be actually angry with him rather than just sad he’s not with you.

Just have a conversation saying you need him to be more respectful of your feelings for a while longer. Have a discussion, have a cry, watch movies together.

Also OP I am sorry for your loss,I just didn’t want to lead with that as I know it can be damaging to hear so many people bringing it up.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Perhaps because neither of you knew you were pregnant he doesn’t view it as so much of a ‘loss’. It sounds like he’s been supportive and kind all week, and he might be trying to forget about it by having a drink and a change of subject tonight with his friends. Try not to begrudge him having a semi decent evening.

Sorry for your loss op
Your dp is dealing with it his way. If having a laugh with his friends this eve helps him then so be it. He’s been otherwise supportive so just let him do what he needs to do every now and then. I mean this gently but it’s not all about you

Having lost 7 pregnancies myself I wouldn't and didn't expect my partner to share in the same level/kind of grief/loss I was feeling (and we were actively trying to get pregnant and did know I was pregnant when I miscarried each time).

In terms of additional support what did you need from him? Personally I wanted to grieve in my own way and not have my partner there all the time also wallowing in sadness - I wanted/needed to look after myself.

He will have his own way of dealing with things and you need to let him

@Watercolorbird I'm really sorry for you loss. 💔

I had an MC in December at 6 weeks , DH was holding my hand when I was in the EPU, telling me it will all be OK and that we will try again. The next few days were very… odd. I think we were both shocked, it was our first pregnancy and I think on some level we were both naive enough to think that it would all be OK.
As the days went by, I found myself grieving for the baby I lost and what could've been. DH on the other hand said it was "a bump in the road that will lead us to our baby". Very different points of view but I think both totally justifiable. Men don't experience pregnancy the same way we do, so loss doesn't have the same impact.

I don't think you are really mad at your partner, I think you're just sad. You're sad because the laughter and the drinking means that life goes on. And it goes on without your baby. It's a horrible feeling, the injustice of it all... But it does get better, give yourself time by focusing on you and not what anyone else is doing. ❤️

I'm sorry for your loss. He may be less affected, he may be trying to distract himself from his grief. Everyone deals with it differently. I had a similar miscarriage and appreciated my sister taking me out to a comedy club to laugh and forget for a few hours.

Or is he generally not supportive/engaged with your feelings?

I'm sorry for your loss, hope you're doing okay x

I just wanted to say also, some people just view it differently or deal with it differently. My partner and I had been trying and were very excited to be pregnant when I miscarried, and we both saw it as a big disappointment, but essentially a bump in the road as someone else has said. I was more affected than he was I think, but then I was the one being poked and prodded and tested, and I was the one bleeding.