Trying to conceive is crushing me

[Velverosa]

To be blunt, I have been ttc for 20 months now with no success and I don't know how much more failure I can take.

I have had blood tests to check my hormones and my levels are fine (a slightly low FSH was detected but apparently not low enough for my age group to cause concern). I was referred for a scan but this was rejected as I don't have any symptoms to warrant a scan (such as bleeding between periods, pain, etc).

I was referred to the NHS fertility department a couple of months ago but this has been rejected. My GP advised me that this is probably based on my age (I'm 25) which feels very unfair.

I don't want to make this a pity party but to be honest my infertility is starting to make me feel suicidal now. Everyone around me is falling pregnant and having children and here I am trying so hard and I have nothing. My sister in law is now four months pregnant after conceiving on her first cycle ttc and to be honest when she made the announcement I couldn't sleep that night because I cried so much. I genuinely don't begrudge her her happiness and I feel like a terrible person but I am so jealous of her pregnancy. I am not usually like this, I think ttc has made me a horrible person.

Everyone keeps nudging me and telling me it's my turn next and asking why I'm not having children and I can't help the suffocating anxiety that it doesn't seem to be happening.

Sorry, I don't know what I really wanted to achieve by posting this but I feel so alone. I do talk to my husband about it all but I think my constant crying over it is weighing down on him which I can understand. He is a lot more positive about it than I am.

Did anyone seek therapy over their infertility and do you feel this helped you?

Thank you

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. You should definitely speak to someone if you are crying a lot about it, sounds like you may be a little depressed.

Try & be positive that you have plenty of time to keep trying and you will get there eventually. Maybe try again with your gp & be a bit more forceful about trying to get some help. Xx

Sorry to hear you’re going through this @Velverosa

Have you considered sharing with your closest family/friends that you are TTC? Perhaps they would be more sensitive and more aware of what you’re going through, and then avoid being so blunt by saying ‘you’re next’.

I think as women, and I’m speaking generally not aimed at you OP, we keep all of the stress and burden of TTC on ourselves and don’t speak about it enough with anyone. As if as women, we are expected to get pregnant and that’s it. Any struggles we have are then private and we think we can’t talk about it.

Sharing struggles, making people understand that getting pregnant sometimes isn’t as easy as other women, might just take that heavy burden away?

Trying for a baby isn’t taboo, so should we keep it all to ourselves and allow insensitive comments to pass when we should perhaps be talking more and letting a couple more people in?

For my own position, I’ve had some comments about its time to have a baby (I’m TTC#1 and 34) and sometimes I do feel ready to say ‘yes we are actually, but it’s not happened yet, what of it!?’

Until I started TTC, I didn’t know myself how common it is for it not to happen straight away, so there will be so many people out there who wouldn’t know either and need educating.

I hope my musings have helped in some small way OP x

I'm so sorry 💐 I dont have any advice I'm afraid but feel free to rant away. I'm sure that even at 25 you should be offered help 20 months down the line though!
I absolutely hate people asking when you are going to have children. I had it from my mil all the time, she was unaware we had been trying for nearly 18 months but I do wish people would think before they speak 😔 x

I think two years is the time limit for a referral. I am 5 years in, 4 rounds of ivf down and still no further than we were. I’m now 33 and aware that time is running out. I’ve seen people married, divorced, meet someone else and have a child in the time we’ve been trying. It is relentlessly heartbreaking.

Counselling is a must, but also you need a have a bit of a thicker skin and a positive, proactive outlook. Crying about it won’t get you anywhere. I don’t mean to sounds harsh but I am looking at this from another perspective.

I wish you all the best.

@Velverosa so sorry to hear what you are going through, big hugs!

I can understand how frustrating it must be, DH and I have been trying 9 months now with no luck (we are both 31)

Are you sure it is yourself who may have fertility issues? Has your partner been checked out too?

I know how insensitive it is when people keep asking when you are having a baby, we get it from both sets of parents. One day I blurted out to my mum that it's not always as easy as just 'falling pregnant' and she backed off a bit. I get that you don't really want to tell everyone as you want it to be a surprise to everyone - the sane as everyone around you announcing they are expecting. Maybe they have also tried for a while though.

Do you have a trusted friend or family member who could support you and not blurt out the news a baby may be on the horizon for you guys and ruin the surprise when it happens?

Definitely try to stay positive and go back to your gp to ask for any other assistance they can give you.

Hope you get your BFP soon! X

Your referral being rejected sounds odd. Regardless of your young age you are entitled to further investigations after 12 months of trying. They may not begin treatment until 2-3 years of trying, providing all the tests come back as normal, but you are entitled to start investigations. Go back to your GP and request another referral. If it’s rejected then make a complaint to the hospital.

This is the same thing i had when TTC, all the pressure on me, i was 30 when he started, an two years in found out it was my partner whom had the low sperm count, doctors were even reluctant to get him checked, when he did find our....he was crushed....i felt weirdly a sense of relief as well as sadness and then guilt, all a mixture of emotions. He started to take, supplements, changing his bad habits, and a year after that we did finally conceive. Why society puts all the pressure on women is crazy to me.....good luck and you will get your baby in your arms 🙏🏽

@CausingChaos2

Your referral being rejected sounds odd. Regardless of your young age you are entitled to further investigations after 12 months of trying. They may not begin treatment until 2-3 years of trying, providing all the tests come back as normal, but you are entitled to start investigations. Go back to your GP and request another referral. If it’s rejected then make a complaint to the hospital.

Women under 35 often need to be trying for a minimum of 2 years before they get referred for fertility treatment. OP has 4 months left to that and at 25 it’s likely longer as most waiting lists prioritise women over 35.

I don’t really know what to advise you OP. On the one hand it took me 10 years and a lot of heartache before DS was born and I totally understand how you feel. But on the other hand I feel at 25 you probably can afford to wait while NHS waiting lists get back up to speed.

I think maybe you should try taking the pressure off a bit. Stop ttc for a bitand focus on mental and physical wellbeing. Exercise, tidy up your diet, take supplements, get your dh on supplements, and then try again when you’re in a better headspace. But that’s easy for me to say.

I know exactly how you feel. We conceived after 28 months and I truly though it would never happen. I’m now 9 weeks.
Have you had blood done? This was the first step for me and straight away they found out I had an underactive thyroid. I was put on tablets and advised they take around 8 weeks to kick in. 8 weeks later I missed a period. Keep going

Also I was 25 at the time I contacted my GP, my age was never an issue so that surprises me.

Is there any way you can get a private scan ? You shouldn't have to but the wait can be agonizing after nearly two years. A scan won't tell you everything but at least it can rule out a few things. You could also maybe have a few blood tests to check if you are actually ovulating ?
Or else go back to GP after 4 months when you meet the criteria and ask again. If they still won't see you, complain.

Hi op,
Sending you so much love.
I am not as far in as you at 14 months but I understand the feelings you have, particularly when everyone is asking you, and when everyone around is falling pregnant so easily. A particular hate of mine is 'you just need to forget about it' and 'you just need to relax' as if it's that easy and from someone who conceived the first try.
Those who haven't taken time to conceive really don't understand the heartbreak it causes.
You should definately be getting some more help after 20 months, I hope they listen and help you soon

Hello, just wanted to say you're not alone.

I'm also 25, been ttc since 2017. Did have one pregnancy but that resulted in a MC early on last year which crushed me and made me feel like a failure.

Blood tests normal but they won't go with further tests because of my age and the fact after 2 and a half years I did get pregnant (even though it was a MC).

I've also felt suicidal over it. My depression spiraled into debt and changes of multiple jobs then a 6 month drinking problem.

Its honestly so hard to keep going with it, but ultimately we hopefully have atleast another 17ish years for it to happen and the chances are it will, but by god the wait is shit!

Your husband can approach doctor and ask for his sample to be tested.

You should be referred after this time so keep trying.

Are your cycles regular? Do you test to see if you are ovulating? Healthy BMI?

I remember the 'you just need to relax' people. After 2 years of TTC I quit my stressful job and those ppl all change to saying 'you should get a job'. 🙄

It's hard but take comfort with people who do know about your situation. If you are keeping your infertility a secret, maybe think if there is anyone else you can tell.

Oh OP I'm sorry your feeling this way. Ttc is such a stressful draining process. I was trying for 11 months and it took a severe toll on my mental health I did fall pregnant bud sadly it ended in miscarriage and the thought of TTC again makes me feel so angry and deflated.
I feel like a child saying its not fair... But it's really not. Women are made to feel like becoming a mum is the most natural thing... Well is certainly doesn't feel that way. I would most definitely return to the GP. And just remember you are not alone! TTC sucks. I don't understand the try and relax thing so instead I say don't give up. The best is yet to come. 💛

@GrumpyHoonMain

But what if OP has something like low egg reserve and time is of the essence? I don’t feel it’s very fair to say at 25 she should just wait.