Time off work after early pregnancy loss?

[TTC94]

Hi all,

I was just wondering if anyone took time off work after an early miscarriage/loss?

My job is stressful, all-consuming and often overwhelming at the best of times and I am obliged to work most evenings and on weekends too a lot of the time.

My husband and I found out I was pregnant after 11 months off the pill and after 7 months of actively tracking ovulation etc. We were overjoyed. I was 4 weeks 4 days pregnant when I began bleeding and was advised by my GP I had suffered a miscarriage.

Initially, I was sad but felt quite ‘together’ and composed about it. I was largely controlling my emotions and feelings. It’s now been around 5 days since I first began bleeding and I don’t feel pregnant anymore. Each day I feel worse - more sad, down, depressed and angry. I don’t feel like eating, getting out of bed and I certainly don’t feel like doing any work. I’ve had to deactivate my Facebook because I can’t bear to see people’s pregnancy posts, pregnancy updates and people’s young babies.

Just after my miscarriage had been confirmed, a work colleague told me (and the rest of our department) that his wife was pregnant. Of course I am happy for them but just felt so sad for my husband and I.

The last thing I want to do is work and it’s so painful for me to even think about working, I just can’t bring myself to. My job is not the sort of job where I’d take a day off lightly and whenever I do I feel awfully guilty - I avoid even a day off at all costs. But I’m contemplating perhaps asking the Doctor for a week’s note to give myself some time out of the additional stress of work on top of how I’m feeling emotionally right now.

Does anyone have any advice on this? Or did anyone else take some time off?

I know that my pregnancy wasn’t a ‘baby’ so to speak but I am grieving what could/would have been. Grieving the little snippets of excitement and joy that my husband and I allowed ourselves to feel. Grieving the feeling of crying with happiness. Grieving the anticipation and excitement that I was going to become a mother and that my husband was going to be a father. I feel so sad when I think about all the months I was sad, disheartened and disappointed when every month my period came.

I’m quite an emotional person at the best of times and I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Each day the pain and unbearable sadness feels worse.

Should I throw myself (unwillingly) into work? Will it make me feel better? Or should I take a week off to allow myself to feel sad so that I can recharge?

Any advice would be so very appreciated.

Thanks in advance x

@carnations23 I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m glad you took the time you needed to deal with your emotions and to begin to heal in a healthy environment.

Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you have a more positive experience soon x

@TTC94

Thanks,

that happened start of last September, we conceived again start of October , I fully expected it to take 14 months again all seems to be going well so far . At the start it was very difficult because the first loss had just happened not that long ago, it took a lot of excitement out of things and it was so hard telling my husband we were expecting again.

The best thing I done was take the time off, I ended up redecorating my bedroom that had just been decorated a few months before but it gave me something else to focus on .

So sorry you've had to go through this
I had a full week off work after my MC at 7 weeks. It happened on a Friday so I left work early as I knew something wasn't right but I ended up in A&E that evening as I haemorrhaged quite badly.
I had the following week off as I was still bleeding a bit but my head was all over the place with grief (it was an IVF pregnancy and our last chance at an attempt so had sunk all our money and hope into it)

My boss (who wasn't the most flexible/sympathetic boss usually) was actually really good about it and said to just take as much time as you need and it went down as sick pay.

The day I came back to work a girl in the office announced her 2nd pregnancy which completely floored me

I think just take whatever time you need to feel ready for the distraction of work.

@carnations23 congratulations on your current pregnancy! That is fantastic news. I wish you all the positivity and luck in the world and I hope your anxiety has reduced somewhat now.

You deserve to have your happiness!

Xx

@RoomAtTheEndOfTheWorld

I am so sorry for your loss! And it’s even more heartbreaking because it was your IVF journey. That makes me so sad for being so upset in my own scenario when yours is so much more painful.

Are you planning on saving again or trying to conceive naturally in the meantime?

I felt similar, the day I knew I was miscarrying a colleague told me they’d just found out his wife was pregnant and I was pretty floored myself too. It’s so difficult.

Sending all my love to you. I pray you get your little miracle baby soon!

Xx

Sorry for your loss.

I had a scan on Wednesday that confirmed that I had miscarried, it happened 10 days before but had to go to check everything was ok. I took time off at the time of the miscarriage (Friday and Monday) and then took the rest of week off after the scan. My job can be quite stressful and I have missed a few deadlines but have full support from my boss. I didn't think I needed to take time off but I needed to process the loss and take time for myself, I've been too focused on my kids not seeing me upset. I thought I would be fine at the scan but that was when I was really upset. I have spoken to a few friends and what I have realised is everyone deals with it differently so take time off if you need to but it's ok if you dont want to take time off just now

I’m sorry for your loss.
I haven’t been through it myself but a work colleague has, it wasn’t a planned pregnancy and very early on but she said she couldn’t stop crying. She took two weeks off. Each person is different, take the time you need to heal.

@nevisbump

Sorry for your loss! It must be really difficult wanting to protect your existing children from seeing how sad you are too!

I feel guilty for my dog seeing me so miserable because she’s a sensitive soul and I’m sure she gets down off any depressing energy we emit!

It’s good to hear that you took the time that you needed and that your boss is supportive.

It’s only been nearly a week now and I’m already so behind on work related stuff. Thankfully I have a really supportive team at work but I have only told a couple of closer colleagues who I just couldn’t conceal my emotions from last week.

I have had a more productive work related evening today and I think providing I wake up in a positive frame of mind tomorrow that I will work and try to keep myself busy.

It’s difficult because in one respect I feel I should have the time to grieve and feel sad. But at the same time I worry having the time to feel down, sad and to grieve will actually be worse for my health and will cause me to dwell on what ‘could have been’ further.

I don’t have any close friends who have suffered a miscarriage so I don’t really have anyway to confide in personally.

Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your thoughts.

I really appreciate it x

@Suzi888

Thank you for commenting and for being so kind.

It’s really helpful to know how much time other people sought to deal with their sadness.
Thank you for sharing!

Should I throw myself (unwillingly) into work? Will it make me feel better? Or should I take a week off to allow myself to feel sad so that I can recharge?

I did the former and the pain dragged out over a year. It also made it very difficult for other people to support me, because at first I was blithely getting on with my life and not acknowledging what I’d been through. Months later an acquaintance who I thought was “done” announced her third pregnancy, due when mine would’ve been due, and I well and truly lost it.

Please don’t make the same mistake. Take time to grieve without downplaying your sadness because it was an early loss/others have had it worse/whatever. Things will get better but you need to fully go through this time now, not push it down.

Really wishing you all the best.

@TTC94 I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience almost two years ago now- I was about 6 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. Unfortunately, as I discovered myself, having an early miscarriage doesn't make it easy. I personally was absolutely shocked by how devastated I felt. Like you, I thought that I was coping well and then gradually felt worse and worse.

I had 4 days off work and went back, even though I didn't feel ready. I had one very bad day in work, and spent the whole day holding back a feeling of panic, and ended up taking another two days off after that.

I started to gradually feel a lot better after a couple of weeks, but over the next 6 months the grief (and I would absolutely describe it as grief) came in waves and again, it shocked me. I found my would be due date very hard. I was lucky to get pregnant again the month after my first baby would have been due and he is now a healthy baby boy but I still feel sad when I think about my first pregnancy.

Be kind to yourself and take the time you need. Your feelings are completely valid, and on top of that your body will be going through some pretty big hormonal changes too (which again, I wasn't prepared for!) so don't let anyone minimise it. Nobody knows how you personally are feeling, even people who have been in a similar situation, as everyone is different. I hope you start to feel better soon and best of luck on your journey xxx

@TTC94 also, you say you don't have any close friends who have been through it but you might be surprised. I spoke about my miscarriage a fair bit and a lot of people confided in me that they had also had miscarriages but didn't know how to talk about it xxx

Of course it's reasonable. Your GP can sign you off for time that you need. It's ok to feel sad or not.

I have had 2 miscarriages, the first was when I was young and had only been trying a few months and I was disappointed but fine, second was years later I was doing a big client deal at work so went to the EPU, took the rest of the day off, said goodbye to my toddler ds and hopped on a plane overseas still bleeding, then became almost unbearably sad a few weeks later, and I still feel guilty, as if I never made space in the world for that little flicker of human potential - I should have taken the time.

Hopefully this is just a bump on a happier road and that you are feeling better soon

@ttc94

Your dog will be concerned for you and will hopefully give you extra cuddles, we have a mad puppy just now so she is giving me more bites!

Take it easy and although going back to work doesn't mean to you can't take breaks and go for a walk to clear your head.

I'm back to work today and I know it will be hard as people will try to find out why I was off but decided not to tell anyone.

Hugs and take it easy x

@EssentialHummus so sorry to hear you had such a difficult experience after a miscarriage.

Thank you for sharing your experience and for your kind words. It is really appreciated and helps me feel less like I’m on my own with how much it has impacted my emotions.

Xx

@knockeduplockeddown thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry for your loss.

Our experiences sound similar in the way you describe the grief being like waves. Each day the wave has felt bigger!

Thanks so much for your kindness and for reiterating that I shouldn’t feel guilty or silly for feeling this way.

Xx

@OverTheRubicon so sorry to hear of your own experiences. In particular, your second experience sounds really distressing and I am so sad for us as a culture that we prioritise work over so many other things.

Thank you for your well wishes and for sharing your wisdom. It is truly appreciated!

Xx

@nevisbump oh, the puppy days! It’s a relief when the biting stops haha.

I am also going to work today. I had a burst of positivity last night and managed to do some work in preparation for today. I will see how I get on.

If I feel worse again in the week then I will take some more time off. I only took two days at the end of last week.

Good luck with work today. I hope you have a better day than expected.

Sending you positivity! Xx