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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

How can I best support a good friend who is having trouble conceiving?

23 replies

Ettenna · 03/11/2007 19:50

A dear friend is having problems in conceiving the child she and her husband very much want. They're having all the tests, etc. I just wondered what I can do/say to give her support without being patronising. All her friends/colleagues (including me) seem to be either pregnant or new mums.

Any ideas gratefully received.

OP posts:

pindy · 03/11/2007 20:04

Has she tried alternative therapies? ie reflexology especially VRT?

pindy · 03/11/2007 20:05

It might be worth looking into the possibility she treatments can be very relaxing etc etc and also can get some good results.

Original poster

Ettenna · 03/11/2007 20:08

thanks, Pindy - what is VRT?

OP posts:

pindy · 03/11/2007 20:10

Vertical Reflex Therapy - done standing up - much more powerful.

Where abouts in the country are you?

Original poster

Ettenna · 03/11/2007 20:13

I'm near Oxford but she's Nottingham.

OP posts:

Pruners · 03/11/2007 20:30

Message withdrawn

kerala · 03/11/2007 20:34

Ettenna looking at this thread with interest. My lovely sister has just confided that she has been ttc for a year now. I cant bear to see her so upset and want to support her more than anything.

paulaplumpbottom · 03/11/2007 20:35

Agree with listening. Thats the best thing to do

fruitymum · 03/11/2007 20:37

Having been in both positions, the most supportive thing you can do is listen and tell her that you are there for her.

CantSparkleWontSparkle · 03/11/2007 20:43

Research the tests that she is having so that you know what she is talking about and can take an active part in any conversation that she initiates.

Avoid platitudes and don't bang on about all the other pregnant people. Answer any questions she asks about your pregnancy, but don't go on about how excited you are if she seems a bit withdrawn when you talk about it.

Very good of you to consider her like this.

Pruners · 03/11/2007 20:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Ettenna · 03/11/2007 20:57

Thanks, all. I guess just being there for her is the best thing. I feel frustrated because I want to 'fix' things for her - but I can't!!

Pruners - some people need evening classes in tact!

OP posts:

anniemac · 05/11/2007 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsTittleMouse · 05/11/2007 12:03

Agreed, I love that you're being so thoughtful. On my experience, I would say:
Don't tell her that she can always adopt.
Don't tell her about all the friends you have that were waiting for treatment/adopting and became pregnant just like that because they relaxed. That one drove me nuts!
Don't act as though being pregnant/having a child makes you more in tune with life and giving everything more meaning (can't imagine that you'd do this, but we had friends who did! )
Sorry it's all so negative. I'd also recommend making sure that you still have fun together. It's a bit miserable if you talk about TTC all the time!

poppy75 · 06/11/2007 15:50

Ettenna _ just read your message, you are so sweet to be doing this to help your BF. I agreed with MrsTM people really do tend to make you feel really materialistic when you don't have kids and go on about the hols and stuff you have, when all you want is a baby.

I think the best thing is to listen and try not to offer solutions. My BF kept on telling me it would happen and to try and relax etc... this just made it more frustrating as she was far from relaxed and chilled when she conceived and it's the last thing you want to hear. Especially when they have never been through it.

Try and do things together in venues that are not full to bursting point with pregnant mums and have fun, most importantly. She is really lucky to have you as a friend, so considerate.

AskSanta · 06/11/2007 16:00

You can probably help best by listening to her talk herself around the houses time and time again.

I used to talk about my inability to conceive so much I used to bore myself in the end, but it really does help.

If you ask her about it and invite her to speak about it to you she will be able to talk to you if she really needs to.

kindersurprise · 06/11/2007 16:08

I agree with the other posters. How lovely of you to be so considerate of her feelings.

The one thing that annoyed me most was the platitudes, eg. "it will happen to you... you just have to relax... a friend had 3 lots of ivf and when they gave up and decided to adopt she fell pregnant..." I know people mean well and are trying to be optimistic but it used to make me upset.

Listen, listen, listen. And if she want to forget about it for a while, have fun doing something else.

And do not, whatever you do feel uncomfortable about talking about your own DCs, a friend of mine was very hurt when a friend did this to her. She would start to complain about her DCs then stop. My friend said that she felt like her friend thought she was selfish, and uninterested.

Janus · 06/11/2007 19:22

Hi Ettenna, it's so good of you to think of your friend.
I found the most infuriating thing to be told was 'to relax', I did end up almost shouting at my bf 'how do you suggest I do that???' because it completely takes over your every waking thought.
I found that after a while of ttc I just didn't really mention it much but was always grateful when friends asked me what I was doing, what tests I had coming up, etc. I would just say to gently ask her and listen to the replies without really giving advice. I had so many tests and agree with another poster who said maybe look up what each test is so you can be informed when your friend does want to talk. If you do a search on these talk boards for the test like 'HSG' which she may have there are loads of threads discussing 'will it hurt' etc.
Please just keep asking her how she is, I hated when people just avoided asking.
(BTW 2 years down the line I'm now pregnant, feels fantastic to get there again!)

alwaysdoingsomething · 07/11/2007 11:48

I think its great that you want to be there for your friend, I have a couple of friends who are there for me and are an absolute life line to me.

What infuriates me the most is the 'relax it will happen' or I know a friend who gave up trying and got pg the very next month? lines. Yes we all know that it is possible but it won't make your friend feel any better to hear it. I think that fact that you are asking how to support your friend excludes you from that category, but we?ve all had those lines repeated to us at one stage or another

Mostly I'd be there for her, she may just want to cry and talk about the anger and despair she feels. If you can remember appointment dates etc and call / email / text and wish her the best. Just knowing I was in people?s thoughts and they wished me the 'best' lifted my mood. I'll also say that there may be times when she is overly negative about women who are pg/conceive easily/have young children, by no means does she mean it as an attack on you, it?s her way of venting the anger.

systemsaddict · 07/11/2007 12:06

Absolutely agree with all the other posters, especially on the 'just relax' front which was the most irritating thing I ever heard, made me feel like it was my fault for not being relaxed enough (had 2 years ttc). I also used to get annoyed with 'Don't worry I'm sure it'll happen for you eventually' - how could they know? For some people it doesn't, and I certainly wasn't sure it was going to.

Just being there for her and listening, and being happy to hear the same thing over and over again - one of the hardest things about infertility I found was the cyclical nature of it - every month, that hope followed by disappointment - I just felt like I was repeating things over and over and over again and getting nowhere, and it felt a little bit worse each time. It really helped to have people to talk to who weren't threatened by that and didn't keep trying to offer 'solutions', most of which I'd tried / was on a waiting list for. I had one friend who I knew I could ring any time I got discouraged, and that really helped.

And you can always talk with her how best you can support her, and ask how she feels about you talking about your ds, because I think it varies a lot - some people want to hear lots about other people's babies, other people find it difficult.

soosy · 07/11/2007 19:46

You are being a fab friend for worrying about her I agree with all the other advice (7years ttc, DB 10th IVF attempt). Please treat her as you always would, just be there for her - especially if she does get pregnant and has a baby! By the way if she does have fertility treatment don't ask for the results, just assume negative unless you are told otherwise.

notnowbernard · 07/11/2007 19:54

Listen and listen some more.

Don't be 'positively hopeful' all the time - allow the person to be upset and feel hopeless. Acknowledging these feelings will help the person feel really understood and listened to.

Go along with the positivilty when the person is feeling 'upbeat' and hopeful. Don't avoid all discussion re babies/pregnancy. Person will feel patronised.

Have been in this position myself (as the friend of ttc bf). She is now pg and has recently told me what she found helpful during the long years of ttc.

Pruners · 07/11/2007 20:08

Message withdrawn

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