Anger towards partner after miscarriage

[Poplartree1]

Hi everyone,
I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks in November 2020 and since then I have felt so angry / resentful towards my partner. I feel like he has just moved on and wasn't affected and I also feel like the weight is on my shoulders. He said we can try again but to be blunt , he is putting no effort in at all! He's too tired when it's my ovulation time and he makes me feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. I just feel so angry at him and disgusting at the same time! He keeps saying things like 'it will happen when it happens' like he doesn't realise there's only a small window every month and I'm getting older. I'm in my 30s. Has anyone else felt like this or has anyone been able to deal with this successfully? Help and advice needed. Thanks in advance 😊

Sorry for your loss

When it comes to his attitude to trying again, is it different to how it was before? Or was he more involved/willing before? If you fell pregnant easily before does he genuinely just think “it will happen when it happens”?

Hi Meredith, thanks for your reply. It was unplanned but we were very excited last time. Now I feel like I need to replace that loss and he doesn't have the same attitude. It's like he isn't bothered either way but I am.

Do you think that maybe he is feeling under pressure to perform? That can be a turn-off for anyone.
You need to have a good talk with him, to find out what he is really feeling.
You might also find he is grieving a lot more than you think, but trying to appear strong to you.
Sorry for your loss.

I think it’s hard for men to appreciate the loss in the same way a mother perhaps does. He probably wasn’t affected that much. It feels like the death of your baby to you but probably feels a bit like a late period to him. There were no real baby signs for him; he didn’t feel sick or have sore breasts.
In terms of finding you attractive, I wonder how much you’d want to get physical with someone that seemed ever angry with you. Your obsessed with getting pregnant again whilst he probably just wants your relationship back.
It might help to have some help communicating. If he feels he’s just a sperm producer, he’ll likely be resentful. Put the baby idea on hold for a few months, start talking and being nice to each other again and being honest about your feelings. Get mediation, if necessary.

So sorry for your loss. I wrote this blog post after my MC. Maybe it will help. Xx

My OH wakes up of a day and gets up, has a shower, heads off to work, happy, cheerful, excited for the day. He loves his job, eats his lunch, has a great day, heads home, potters round the house, tidying up, unloading the dishwasher (yes he’s an amazing partner) watches tv, happy to see me, asks what’s wrong, eats his dinner, says I’m a little quiet, watches tv, heads up to bed, brushes his teeth, makes jokes, gets into bed, falls asleep, wakes up of a day and gets up.....etc.

I on the other hand.... lie there crying while he’s in the shower, pretend to be asleep so I don’t have to make conversation, thinking about how different we are and how alone I feel and how scared I am about never having a baby and I think about this all day long. I have no idea what happens during the day and then I get home and he asks what’s wrong and I say, “nothing” trying to sound cheerful while I sit thinking why he needs to ask me, he went through it too right? I push my food around my plate, wishing it to be bed time so I can lie alone in silence, in the dark so no one can hear or see me cry. We go to bed and I lie there listening to his heavy breathing wondering how his heart lets him sleep.

With every day I watch our relationship strain more and more. A tragedy that at the time made us closer than ever, but now distances us completely. He carries on like it never happened. I’m frozen in a place where I wish the whole world would just stop. Or rewind or do anything except move forward. And every day that goes by he expects me to be less sad and every day that goes by I get sadder.

We are in such different places that he doesn’t seem to even know what I’m sad about and I’m mind blown. He wasn’t sad about the loss. He has a child already. He has a legacy. This loss didn’t seem to matter. I’m in this alone. His words when I ask him about it are ‘I was devastated for you’ they resonate with me every day!

But I don’t want to pretend any more. But I know I’ll have to. I’ll have to pretend during FW next month. Because yet again I sit here waiting for AF to show her face as the ending to another wasted cycle.

My years are now made up of cycles not months. And Pre-ov time and FW and ovulation and TWWs and AFs. I know there are two cycles until my ‘babymoon’ and 3 cycles until my birthday and my OH’s birthday is FW and my mums birthday is in a TWW... it’s never ending. This is my future... and I’m in it on my own.

OMG cakelaur , I totally understand that. It's an awful lonely place to be. Meanwhile social media is full of other people's good news! How do we move on from this??

Also how long ago was that and are you still going through it?

In 2019, I had an early MC (earlier than yours). DH found me sobbing on the floor of our bathroom. He held me and let me sob and then helped me to our bed and told me to stay there as long as I needed. I went to work the next day (Monday) and someone asked me how I was. I sobbed again and told her what had happened.

The following cycle, I couldn’t face TTC again but I couldn’t face not either. We DTD only once and that was obviously not enough.

It took us a year to conceive again. I managed to mask my sadness pretty well for the most part. In that time, anytime there was news that someone was pregnant, the crying would start again. The feelings of desperation would dig their claws in just that little bit deeper. I’m a teacher and one of the children in my class actually asked me if I was ok because I looked really sad.

I never spoke to my DH about how desperately sad I was after that first day. He never showed any signs of feeling the same way. I don’t resent him for that because he hadn’t had time to grow any attachment to the bundle of cells I was growing for such a short time. Because I’d never told him (I have huge issues with sharing how I’m feeling), I couldn’t expect him to automatically know. I know our year TTC took its toll on him too and we need to work on our communication together.

@Poplartree1 I am so sorry you are going through this. It doesn’t get better but it does get easier to get through each day. Sit down and have a proper conversation with your DH about how TTC works and make sure he knows about it too.

Thanks for your advice and I'm sorry to hear you went through that for a year. I'm also a teacher and have lots of of people around so it's like I have those class digging deeper that you mentioned but it's every day! Did you have your baby in the end? Are things better now? Xx

I do have my baby now. She was born in September and she and her sister (7) are my little rays of sunshine.

Things aren’t back to how they were. Finding our DH’s sister was pregnant when I was about 36w still hurt. I get overwhelming jealousy about others being pregnant which makes no sense.

Aww congratulations and I'm glad things worked out for you. It's an awful place to be and I suppose only time will heal.

@Poplartree1 this was in 2018. I fell pregnant the month after I wrote this. And went on to have a gorgeous baby boy! I then had a surprise baby in March 2020, and we're trying again for number 3. So there is absolutely light at the end! But i absolutely understand how you feel with regards to anger. Acknowledging it helps. But also chin up, because you will get your rainbow. Xx

@Poplartree1

Aww congratulations and I'm glad things worked out for you. It's an awful place to be and I suppose only time will heal.

Thank you. Having her certainly helps but TTC really messes with you when it’s not a straight forward process. I really hope your baby is just around the corner.