Partner (M22) isn't sure whether he will want kids in the future

OnionOver · 2021-01-25T13:08:01+00:00

Hey all, So my boyfriend and I are both 22, happy together and can see a future together (yes I am aware we are both very young!). However, he isn't sure whether or not he wants children. He isn't opposed to children by any means, he just has no idea how he will feel when the time rolls around. This is concerning for us, because I do want children. It worries me because I might stay with him and then he decides he doesn't want kids, meaning I am faced with the decision of breaking up with him or choosing to be childless. However, he may well choose that he does want children, and he's very much hoping that he will because he doesn't want to break up either. Part of me feels like maybe that's normal for a 22 year old to not be sure? He's still at university and hasn't got a job or a house yet. I don't want to break up with someone I love deeply on the chance that they might not want children in 8 years time. But, I have told him that at some point in the future I will need some more certainty on this, which he understands. It's really hard. Has anyone been through anything similar and can give me any support?

pumpkinpie01 · 25/01/2021 13:12

How long have you been together ?

Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 13:13

Oh, 3 years

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Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 25/01/2021 13:18

I ended a relationship with someone when I was 21 for the same reason. I already had a 3 year old child. Was with him for 2 years and he was pretty sure he didn't want kids. I new I did want more so I finished with him. He came back a few months later saying he changed his mind and did want children eventually but I wasn't prepared to risk him changing his mind again, or feeling like he was only doing it to please me. We didn't get back together. Its now nearly 10 years later, I've had a second child and due my third today. He is married, but still no children so I know I made the right decision.

pumpkinpie01 · 25/01/2021 13:25

It probably hasn't even crossed his mind to be honest as he is at uni having fun then will probably be wanting to carve a career. You have plenty of time. My dh said he had never thought about it until I mentioned it , he became a dad at 33 at 22 no way would he have been ready .

Moondust001 · 25/01/2021 13:29

He's 22, at university, hasn't started a career and has no roots yet. I'm sorry, but I would be worried if he did know that he wanted children right now. He hasn't even set out on life yet, and making such a commitment at this stage would be a terrible mistake for him. He can't possibly know, even if he tells you right now that he wants children, that he will feel that way in 8 years. Nor can he say that he will never want children or when he might want them. Trying to pin down such a huge commitment isn't going to make it happen either - nobody can predict the future, and he might have children and not hack it, or not have them and regret it.

If you need this commitment, then I think you should walk away. It's unreasonable to expect him to give it to you right now, whatever his future self might do or want.

And to be fair to both of you, the reality of having children is far from the dream of having them - you might just both have regrets in ten years. Don't assume you won't.

Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 13:33

@Moondust001

He's 22, at university, hasn't started a career and has no roots yet. I'm sorry, but I would be worried if he did know that he wanted children right now. He hasn't even set out on life yet, and making such a commitment at this stage would be a terrible mistake for him. He can't possibly know, even if he tells you right now that he wants children, that he will feel that way in 8 years. Nor can he say that he will never want children or when he might want them. Trying to pin down such a huge commitment isn't going to make it happen either - nobody can predict the future, and he might have children and not hack it, or not have them and regret it.

If you need this commitment, then I think you should walk away. It's unreasonable to expect him to give it to you right now, whatever his future self might do or want.

And to be fair to both of you, the reality of having children is far from the dream of having them - you might just both have regrets in ten years. Don't assume you won't.

Hey, Thanks. I know its probably quite normal for him to be unsure.I don't want kids until I'm in my 30s anyway. I think it just doesn't help that whenever you google this issue everyone tells you to break up with them. I don't want to break up with him now as he may well decide he does want kids and we're still so young! I guess before we made any big commitment like getting married I'd need an answer then, but that's far down the line.

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Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 13:35

@Moondust001

He's 22, at university, hasn't started a career and has no roots yet. I'm sorry, but I would be worried if he did know that he wanted children right now. He hasn't even set out on life yet, and making such a commitment at this stage would be a terrible mistake for him. He can't possibly know, even if he tells you right now that he wants children, that he will feel that way in 8 years. Nor can he say that he will never want children or when he might want them. Trying to pin down such a huge commitment isn't going to make it happen either - nobody can predict the future, and he might have children and not hack it, or not have them and regret it.

If you need this commitment, then I think you should walk away. It's unreasonable to expect him to give it to you right now, whatever his future self might do or want.

And to be fair to both of you, the reality of having children is far from the dream of having them - you might just both have regrets in ten years. Don't assume you won't.

oh and I do understand that having children isn't always all its cracked up to be. My sister passed away, and I saw the pain that caused my parents. Despite that, I'm still fairly certain that kids is something I want. I guess I'd just have to decide whether I want it enough to end my relationship with my partner (if it comes to that)

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Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 13:36

@pumpkinpie01

It probably hasn't even crossed his mind to be honest as he is at uni having fun then will probably be wanting to carve a career. You have plenty of time. My dh said he had never thought about it until I mentioned it , he became a dad at 33 at 22 no way would he have been ready .

Thanks. Yeah I know it's probably fairly normal to be unsure at our age, which is reassuring! I wonder whether I'm expecting to much by wanting a certain answer on whether or not he wants children at this age. Doesn't help that I've always felt I have absolutely wanted children, so I almost expect the same from him

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Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 13:37

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I ended a relationship with someone when I was 21 for the same reason. I already had a 3 year old child. Was with him for 2 years and he was pretty sure he didn't want kids. I new I did want more so I finished with him. He came back a few months later saying he changed his mind and did want children eventually but I wasn't prepared to risk him changing his mind again, or feeling like he was only doing it to please me. We didn't get back together. Its now nearly 10 years later, I've had a second child and due my third today. He is married, but still no children so I know I made the right decision.

Congratulations on your baby due today! I don't want kids until I'm at least in my 30s, so I have many years to make this decision I guess. It's just hard!

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Moondust001 · 25/01/2021 13:37

You are, of course, assuming that in your 30's (or any other time) you will be able to have them!

Honestly - get on with life, enjoy yourselves and try not to plan the future in quite so much detail. Life is too short and children are not all there is to life. For all you know, in eight years it may be you that doesn't want them. Or you and him may be over by 25 anyway. Nobody can predict the future, but it has a way of working out...

Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 13:40

@Moondust001

You are, of course, assuming that in your 30's (or any other time) you will be able to have them!

Honestly - get on with life, enjoy yourselves and try not to plan the future in quite so much detail. Life is too short and children are not all there is to life. For all you know, in eight years it may be you that doesn't want them. Or you and him may be over by 25 anyway. Nobody can predict the future, but it has a way of working out...

Yeah I am assuming I know, just gotta hope I can! You're probably right, I guess the choices are a) break up with him now because he isn't sure b) choose to wait and hope that he does want kids in the future. I certainly don't want to break up with him now as we're so young, I reckon he probably will want kids anyway and our relationship is great. Just difficult to sit with that uncertainty

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pumpkinpie01 · 25/01/2021 13:49

If you get on great then it would seem a little odd to break up with him over something you don't want for 10 years anyway. If you push him for a definite answer you may push him away.

Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 13:53

@pumpkinpie01

If you get on great then it would seem a little odd to break up with him over something you don't want for 10 years anyway. If you push him for a definite answer you may push him away.

I know - thank you. Just got to hope that it all works out in the end, and we end up wanting the same thing. May I ask how long it took your dh to figure it out?

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Haiyaa · 25/01/2021 14:15

I met my DH in University, he was 19 and even then he knew he would want a family someday. It’s not about having them now but whether it is on the radar or not. If he had said he wasn’t sure I think it would have stopped me from investing so much into the relationship. By the way, we had our first when I was 32 so it wasn’t like there was any pressure, it was just the knowledge that at some point during a relationship if the time was right, he would like a family. I think it is sensible to discuss these “big questions” early on in a relationship even if you are still young, especially if you are considering being in it for the long haul.

I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do as every situation is unique but just know that there is a reason that having children (or not) is a deal breaker for a lot of people.

Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 15:24

@Haiyaa

I met my DH in University, he was 19 and even then he knew he would want a family someday. It’s not about having them now but whether it is on the radar or not. If he had said he wasn’t sure I think it would have stopped me from investing so much into the relationship. By the way, we had our first when I was 32 so it wasn’t like there was any pressure, it was just the knowledge that at some point during a relationship if the time was right, he would like a family. I think it is sensible to discuss these “big questions” early on in a relationship even if you are still young, especially if you are considering being in it for the long haul.

I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do as every situation is unique but just know that there is a reason that having children (or not) is a deal breaker for a lot of people.

I know that's the trouble. But at the same time, I don't want to break up with someone I love over something that may or may not happen in 8 years :/ Especially as my gut feeling is he probably will end up wanting kids

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cat8986 · 25/01/2021 15:53

@OnionOver
I think the key thing you mentioned is that your OH isn’t opposed to having kids. If he was, that would perhaps be grounds to break up with him if you couldn’t live with his decision.

But, as he’s still unsure himself for an event that’s still maybe 10 years away, then just enjoy the two of you now! In that time, you’ll bother grow and he may come to find he’d love a family with you, or maybe the opposite- you might not want a family with him. You just never know where life might take you!
Enjoy each other now. Having dreams for the future is a great thing but don’t let that affect you living for today 🙂 good luck!

pumpkinpie01 · 25/01/2021 15:56

@OnionOver ha ha ,well my dh is the most laidback person ever and really had no responsibilities in life at all. So to move in with me and 3 kids was a massive step for him . I had to persuade him to try for a bss a baby to be honest kept convincing him that he would be a brilliant dad , we had been together about 4 or 5 years at that point . He is the kind of person that just plods through life so it was a bit frustrating as I was a lot older than you and knew if he kept procrastinating we would run out of time as I would have no eggs left ! I was right thou he is a brilliant dad to our son. One of my other sons is 23 with a girlfriend and is a student I doubt very much they have discussed having children , I know his next step is finding a job after his course finishes. Honestly you have so much time , kids are very hard work.

Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 15:59

[quote cat8986]@OnionOver
I think the key thing you mentioned is that your OH isn’t opposed to having kids. If he was, that would perhaps be grounds to break up with him if you couldn’t live with his decision.

But, as he’s still unsure himself for an event that’s still maybe 10 years away, then just enjoy the two of you now! In that time, you’ll bother grow and he may come to find he’d love a family with you, or maybe the opposite- you might not want a family with him. You just never know where life might take you!
Enjoy each other now. Having dreams for the future is a great thing but don’t let that affect you living for today 🙂 good luck![/quote]
Yeah I think you're right. All I know right now is I really don't want to end it.I have hope that he may want children, and I guess there's time for me to find someone else who does even if I find out after 5 years that he doesn't want any.

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BlondePotter · 25/01/2021 16:01

I definitely wouldn't be breaking up with him at this stage. I met my DH when he was 32 and when the subject of kids came up he would shrug it off and say 'maybe someday'.
I just figured he needed time to mature into a relationship and also for people he knew to start having them. We got engaged after 2 years and I knew he was committed but it wasn't until his first close friend got pregnant that he then started talking about us definitely having kids.
He will be 38 when our baby comes in June. In general I find men just need a lot more time to mature

Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 16:01

[quote pumpkinpie01]@OnionOver ha ha ,well my dh is the most laidback person ever and really had no responsibilities in life at all. So to move in with me and 3 kids was a massive step for him . I had to persuade him to try for a bss a baby to be honest kept convincing him that he would be a brilliant dad , we had been together about 4 or 5 years at that point . He is the kind of person that just plods through life so it was a bit frustrating as I was a lot older than you and knew if he kept procrastinating we would run out of time as I would have no eggs left ! I was right thou he is a brilliant dad to our son. One of my other sons is 23 with a girlfriend and is a student I doubt very much they have discussed having children , I know his next step is finding a job after his course finishes. Honestly you have so much time , kids are very hard work.[/quote]
Yeahhh, I think he just has no idea where life will take him, which is totally fair enough at this age, I just wish he knew he wanted kids someday. I find it difficult to go with the flow when there's a potential dealbreaker at play, but there's also a big chance it might be fine and I wouldn't want to break up over nothing! But then I guess, you never know anything in life - someone else could say they want kids and then die tomorrow (morbid I know, but true).

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Original poster

OnionOver · 25/01/2021 16:05

@BlondePotter

I definitely wouldn't be breaking up with him at this stage. I met my DH when he was 32 and when the subject of kids came up he would shrug it off and say 'maybe someday'. I just figured he needed time to mature into a relationship and also for people he knew to start having them. We got engaged after 2 years and I knew he was committed but it wasn't until his first close friend got pregnant that he then started talking about us definitely having kids. He will be 38 when our baby comes in June. In general I find men just need a lot more time to mature

Thanks so much, I really don't want to end a really good relationship over a possibility. Yeah I've communicated to him that its fine for now, but at some point in the future I will need a more certain answer (before we got married say). I think he just wants to travel for a bit while he's young, which is totally fair enough at 22! May I ask how you managed to deal with the uncertainty of being engaged with him not being 100% certain that he wanted children? Was being childfree not a dealbreaker for you, or did you just trust that it would probably work out okay? (If you don't feel comfortable answering that's totally fine - I know these things are personal)

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BlondePotter · 26/01/2021 11:15

I wanted to be married to him more than I wanted a child. But I personally think you should go into marriage like that anyway, because they are there in your present and you don't know what the future holds.
He didn't have a good relationship with his dad and I just thought that probably impacted it and felt confident he would go from a 'maybe' to a 'lets try'

Tina8800 · 26/01/2021 11:43

I think this is a fundamental issue in the relationship. Yes, you are both are young and he might change his mind but being in a serious commitment without knowing it is going where you want it to go, must be complicated. Not saying you should worry about it now, but if it comes to marrige you both have to agree on what you want in the future. You can't go into marriage on a hope he might change his mind and you sould not give that much power over your life to anyone. Just let him know now it will be an issue later and if he doesn't want to give you what you want, eventually he will need to let you go.

Original poster

OnionOver · 26/01/2021 13:28

@Tina8800

I think this is a fundamental issue in the relationship. Yes, you are both are young and he might change his mind but being in a serious commitment without knowing it is going where you want it to go, must be complicated. Not saying you should worry about it now, but if it comes to marrige you both have to agree on what you want in the future. You can't go into marriage on a hope he might change his mind and you sould not give that much power over your life to anyone. Just let him know now it will be an issue later and if he doesn't want to give you what you want, eventually he will need to let you go.

I know what you mean, but most of my male friends our age also don't really know if they want kids when they're older, so I think it would be quite a common issue with anyone I'd date at this age. I don't want to break up now over something that could potentially be an issue in the future. It's just hard

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TTCPLEASE · 26/01/2021 16:31

@OnionOver I always said I didn't want kids and the unexpected happened when I was 20! So younger than you! My DH (boyfriend at the time) was 22 he left me at 15 weeks pregnant. Said he didn't want kids he wasn't ready, I was distraught he realised his mistake a few weeks later and begged for me back and regardless of him not being ready a baby was coming either way. And either way he would be responsible whether he saw it or not. Fast forward were married now hes now 32 and I'm nearly 30 and TTC again..you both still have a lot of growing to do! (Not being disrespectful) And at 22 he's still so young to think about decisions. Thinks change people change dont push it just yet. Good luck xx