TTC struggling mentally

[kathy111]

Hi, this is my first message on one of these things and I feel a bit silly but I am really struggling mentally. We have been ttc for coming upto a year, which I know isn't as long as some but it feels like a lifetime. Had tests done bloods came back fine, OH sperm count is good, I had the HSG thing before Christmas (horrendously painful for me sadly!) and this is my first cycle after that, which I heard 'can' boost your fertility potentially so had high hopes. My cycles vary but now on CD 34 which is late for me, took a test thing morning BFN. Wondering if there's still a chance and I tested too early?

I feel so sad and miserable that my body is just not taking to it, noone knows we're ttc as I don't want the added pressure. I just feel so helpless and sad and its taking over my mental strength, finding it hard to focus on work and just be happy. Anyone else the same? Do you have any good coping mechanisms?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but didn't want to read and run 💜. It's so hard at the moment as there's nothing else to focus on or look forward to due to Covid - since working at home TTC is literally all that occupies my mind.

Hi @kathy111 I know how you feel 😞 we are also coming up for a year end of March since I came off the pill and we started TTC. I struggle most days too with feeling sad and worry that it won't happen. It does feel like a lifetime. I know other ladies spend so much longer and i really feel for them too. @glow92 is right, with Covid and being stuck at home, it's hard to think about anything else, when there is nothing else going on. I am yet to find the key to remaining happy and positive all month, sometimes I track with OPKs and BBT, others I don't. I have been trying to mediate more, first thing recently before getting up, I feel positive most of the day but by evening feel deflated again. It's so tough, mentally harder than I ever thought it would be. Do you have more tests scheduled? I won't be able to call the doctor til March, I had some tests done in August for PCOS as my sister was diagnosed whilst TTC, but all came back fine xx

@glow92 Thanks for dropping a reply really appreciate it. I’m the same with lockdown, I think you can book nice little things to do especially in the tww but there’s just no relief from it it feels atm.

@HJen22 thanks for the reply, I’m glad your tests came back ok and sorry to hear you’re struggling too. I try to be reasonable and remind myself lots of couples are usually 1-2 years to conceive but it just feels like forever and like you worry if it’ll happen. I think we’ve had al our tests just got to get the results now. At least we have the ball rolling with tests etc incase there is a reason. Feels good to offload on here, do you friends and family know you’re ttc?

@kathy111 it's nice to talk to others in the same position, such a hard thing to be going through and quite lonely, I know how mentally draining it is. I've told one friend and my sister, my friend is due a baby very soon and my sister took a while but then was diagnosed with pcos, got medication and conceived. It's hard cos I know I don't have that, so won't get medication like she did so she can only understand to a certain extent I guess. She also has 2 little boys and is very busy so I don't like to burden her, although she always says to talk to her!

I hope you have results and some answers very soon! Does anyone know you are TTC? Did your doctor see you early? I wonder how long a wait anything would be with Covid and tighter restrictions again! I try to get out for walks as much as I can which helps me a little with overthinking and breaks up the day. It's hard finding things to do in lockdown! X

Sorry you said no one knows your are TTC. I also didn't want the added pressure but I felt I really needed to talk to someone other than my other half. I have found chatting to other ladies on here has really helped x

That must be really hard too that your friend is about to have a baby, so the 2 ppl who know are having or have children but must also be nice to have ppl to talk to about it and support u. Does your sister have good pointers to help be patient as it took her a while? Yeah no one I’m close to knows, I just wanted it to happen and then tell people, sadly not the way it’s happened! The unit I was having tests with is closed due to covid now too so that will be delayed. Just hoping things start to go back to normal so can book to do fun things to take my mind off it but it’s so difficult to do in lockdown. Do you track ovulation with apps and things? Feel like we hit the window every month so have that hope in the tww then AF turns up. Frustrating. X

I'm always so very happy for friends and family having babies, and I absolutely adore my nephews but yeah it's hard, cos I just want to be a mum too! My sister is a great support but as she was in a different situation it's not the same, like she said OPKs were useless but then with pcos you don't always ovulate I don't think. Yeah so I've tracked with OPKs and BBT on and off. Some months I do none and hope that being more laid back will help, but no luck yet. I've done CB OPKs one month and I think I'm going to try them again this month. BBT I'm not sure, I find it a bit too much and the graphs get my hopes up. What about you? Yeah I use Femometer and more recently Ovia!

Yeah we always hit the window too I think (can't be sure when I don't fully track some months but we DTD around the predicted time) I'm not sure this month if maybe we to try DTD every day of the fertile window and confirm ovulation with OPKs? Sometimes I think my bf feels the pressure. So not sure how successful that would be. Oh I hope you get your results very soon! What cycle day are you? My AF arrived yesterday and I'm trying to not let it get to me, but it always does x

I’m the same, love seeing friends with babies and adore them to play with but deep down aching so much for one of my own. When I’m low just get so sad. You seem to have a really good way of thinking about things to stay level headed. I used the OPKs one month and it didn’t show ovulation at all, so I stopped using them. My blood tests came back good and they said I was ovulating, maybe just not every month

I know what you mean DTD, it can really take the romance out of it when it’s the same each month trying to cover the dates!

I had AF, I’m on CD 7 now so we go again! What about u? Are your cycles regular? Mine were 28 days bang on early last year, then each one increased, went to 30 days, then 32 days, then 35 longest cycle I’ve had so each time I was even more hopeful than the last! It’s felt like torture! Then I went back down to 29, and this one was 33, so again. Hopes up.

@kathy111 oh I struggle every month, some days are better than others but to be honest I'm sad most of the time too, not as level headed as I may sound!

You are so similar to me, I also had a 35 day cycle which was just so hard to deal with, as gave me hope! Before that they'd always been around an average of 26 ish days! Then since the long cycle they've went back to normal of 27 and 26 days. My longest was 29 at the start but since then they've been a little shorter and I get quite short and light AF. I'm cycle day 5 today. I've been taking my BBT the last couple days but not sure about OPKs. I haven't spoken to my BF about what to do this month, last month I didn't track at all. The CB ovulation tests are more expensive but I found it easier than the cheapie sticks you have to take a photo of in the app.

I'm glad your bloods came back fine, I am getting closer and closer to the year mark and I'd so hoped it wouldn't come to having to visit the doctor 😔 what did the doctor say when your bloods came back fine, just to keep trying? And when can you go back? Xx

How unusual, yeah that’s really similar to my experience. But actually even longer I can imagine from 26 days to 35....when it happened to me I was like, don’t get hopes up...but you can’t help the back of your mind thinking this might actually be it! It feels so cruel! For something that just needs to take that once to happen and seems to just happen for everyone else. I know that’s not true but feels like it sometimes. My AF is short too usually 4 days, but the first 2 are pretty heavy.

What’s CB? I try not to track to intensely n just over the 2 weekish DTD more frequently. My tests came back fine but I’m not sure if I get more frustrated not know what the reason is. I know what u mean, we approached testing a stuff early as I just wanted to get the hall rolling and if I caught in the meantime then great. At least when you go you know your still moving forward, and if you’re fine then great, if it’s something they are able to help with so much now it could be a really easy fix. I haven’t been able to go back for my results from the hsg, ultrasound yet cos of lockdown :( I had my bloods a 2nd time so might show something different too. Otherwise nothing yet, just gonna keep going. Feel a little better today think my hormones are sorting themselves out more, how about you?

Yeah it wasn't a fun time, I did a few tests and I really hoped after a previous negative that the next would be it! So I try and avoid early testing as I just hate seeing the blank white! It's so cruel. And I know, some months I get my hopes up and others I just Know it's not happened cos people say they "just know".

My BF has a daughter who is away to be 12, and she was a surprise. So it worries me that the problem is me as he's had a child! I adore her but I just really would love another, one I've carried. I find myself throwing the "you don't know how it feels, you had your daughter unplanned" and I shouldn't. I feel like it just means so much more to me and I struggle so much with it every month. I know it can't be on his mind as much as it's on mine.

Oh sorry, clear blue! I just used them as they are way easier than the wee sticks, as it gives a flashing smiley when your at high LH and then a static smiley face when peak then you don't have to do it again. It kinda got my hopes up the one month I used it though!

I know exactly what you mean; obviously we don't want there to be anything wrong but I feel the same; if I had come back and been diagnosed with PCOS then they'd have been able to try treatment etc. The unknown can't be easy, so many people have "unexplained fertility". I'm beginning to realise that no one really speaks about when it's hard, only when it happens really quickly.

I hope you hear back soon! Covid delaying things just isn't a help either is it! Did you go to GP and they they referred you for the ultrasound through a fertility hospital referral? I have no idea how it all works.

I'm glad you're feeling better! I woke up today a bit down in the dumps and it's a miserable day here but I feel a little better now! X

Cruel is definitely the word that’s flashed into my mind when I’ve thought, oh god this could be it, I’m convinced, or it’s mother nature’s cruel joke. Sadly turned out to be the latter same as you :(

I think as hard as it is if my partner already had a child I would find it really difficult to not break down a little when times are tough. I know people have a child then try of a second etc but I truly believe you have the most yearning for your first, your own. It’s just that experience/gift that’s longer for. I think your completely spot on saying people don’t talk about the hard times, I know some of my friends took a while to conceive as they were open about when they started trying and then nothing until it happened. Almost like people want to give the impression they just weren’t bothered, and ‘let it happen’ and eventually it did. I just don’t buy it for everyone, maybe some ppl but we know how consuming it can be when you want something so badly.

Yes I went to the gp (I did say we’d be trying for a little bit longer than we had) and they did the first tests, my bloods then my partners sperm count. If all comes back ok they refer you to the fertility unit for the ‘first step tests’. Bloods, sperm count (again), hsg, ultrasound and then u get a follow up appointment after that for results.

My days are really up and down, I definitely find exercising helps me mentally, endorphins are a good medicine for me and my mood. Where abouts are u based? I’m East Midlands in England.

It's horrible cos if you're anything like me; I try so hard not to symptom spot as it drives me crazy, but then my body goes and plays a horrible trick on me! It's just now what you need when you're told "not to stress", a delayed AF and no positive will literally make you nothing but stressed!

That's how I feel, he's got a child and knows what it's like to be a dad, I don't have my own. I love my stepdaughter hugely but I'm just so scared I'm not going to be able to have my own, and get that feeling. I break down all the time!

Yeah, like my best friend told us she was off the pill then next I knew she was pregnant. But I think more now that a lot of my friends have had they'll ask me, when I'd never dream of asking them! I feel like saying, I clearly avoid this every time you ask - why do you think that is!

I was going to do that, but realised I couldn't as I'd had the tests for pcos and then called again with worries about my late cycle, so I had already told the doctor it had been March I came off the pill 🙈

Ah I see, thank you! I had no clue how it worked as I've read about GP appointments but also the referrals. Did you have your appointment together with your partner?

Exercise helps me too, even if it's just our walking which is all I've really been bothered doing right now, although it's not been good weather this week. I'm up in Scotland, Aberdeenshire!

It’s nearly impossible to not symptom spot especially being lockdown! Literally nothing else to take your mind off it! I think I’m not going to, I’ve started deleting my app during the tww so that I’m not counting down each day before or after AF and for it to just happen whenever but I still know when it’s supposed to be and it’s on my mind.

Totally get your feelings about partner having a child. When your so desperate to be a mother yourself. I’m sure he understands. And must be hard with friends, I don’t think I could cope with people asking me. I remember my friend a year or so again announced they were trying that year, I think back to like august I saw her and was excitedly asking how it’s going etc and now I understand, I bet she was like why are you asking this!

I think even though it was March you can still go and have tests. How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? I think they say to wait a year but over 35 recommend after 6 months.

I went with my partner yes, although they just re did his sperm count haha. So much more pressure on us! How is scotland atm? I’m not sure if we’re allowed to exchange details on here like an email or mobile, welcome to leave me yours if you fancy having someone to talk to about it. This thread has really helped me get it off my chest I don’t know about you. And it’s really only us 2 on here

It's so hard not to symptom spotting, definitely the longer the TTC goes on the more I end up googling and overthinking and reading stuff I had no clue about! Those who fall pregnant fast before having to do any tracking etc are lucky to miss the TWW and the constant googling!

Deleting the app is a good idea! You're a few days ahead of me cycle wise aren't you? Today is my predicted ovulation, I've been doing OPKs and BBT, sometimes the BBT makes the ovulation day change and after a positive opk it pulled it forward by like 4 days! We've managed to DTD 3 days in a row, I'm hopeful for tonight haha but that might be asking a little much 😂 I've managed to not speak about ovulation to by BF though so that I'm not adding pressure! How did you get on in the fertile week?

Haha if she told you she won't have minded I'm sure, but yeah I know what you mean. I just avoid the question when anyone asks, which probably makes it obvious I am trying!

When I spoke to the doctor in October I think it was after my long cycle she said she could see me again in March, as knew from my pcos tests I'd come off the pill March last year. I should have added on a few months even at that point! I'm 33 in March. I'm panicking about the idea that there is gonna be even longer waiting lists and delays by then, I think I'd seriously consider private if it came to it. I've been saving all year since lockdown has meant we can do very little; really it was for me to have a bit of my own spending money when on maternity ironically!

Have you had any word on any results or when you might expect to get them? I wonder how it would work with Covid now and if it would just be over the phone. The thought of that makes me nervous haha! Scotland is ok, frosty but not any snow this week, I've gotten our for some nice walks lately. But I can't see my family as we live in the shire so a different local authority sadly. How are things with you? Of course, I'd be happy to chat over email, i wonder if I can message it privately! It for sure helps to chat xx

I think I've managed to send a private message. I could only get it to work on the site rather than app, if you open in browser and then there's a little person icon at the top right that has a list, private messages should be in there! X

Hi Kathy, I just read your post as I’m due on today and feeling really low. I hope by now you’re feeling better, usually a week or so after my AF I feel much more positive and hopeful for the month ahead. I’m trying to remind myself of that today but hope you’re there now! I never imagined it would take this long (10 months so far) and I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about it so very pleased to have come across this site. My husband is understanding but doesn’t know my body like I do so doesn’t get the same hope and the same disappointment. I confided in one friend who was TTC at the same time but she got pregnant after only 2/3 months and so I don’t feel like discussing with her and none of my other friends are in the same position. Im wondering about booking tests etc as a next step but also quite scared about what they might say. Thanks for listening and I hope you’re all feeling positive and hopeful xx

Hi @RJ90 I l know how you feel. No one I know really knows we are ttc and it’s so hard keeping it bottled u to yourself. How are you feeling today? Did AF show are you still waiting, I hope your mood starts to pick up. Ok exactly the same, I just have to ride it out, I’m CD 16 now so feeling much better for now. Until the end of the dreaded TWW!!

That’s lovely for your friend but must be hard for you it’s hard quickly for her, I’m sure you won’t be much longer. I read al these comments like, it’s only takes once and each time is one time closer to it happening. Easier said than done to be positive though!

I would say ty not to be scared about approach the gp for tests. I viewed it as the sooner I know either way I can move forward, if there was something up I’d rather know sooner to work towards treating it, and if there isn’t just know there’s nothing to worry about and let time take it’s course. Hope this helps in some small way, I found it so helpful to talk about it.

Thanks so much Kathy I really appreciate your comments AF turned up a day late (probably my stressing but just enough time to give me that last bit of hope haha). You’re right though, it could happen any time. I hope this is your month!! X