Feeling hopeless, useless and jealous. FET

[MaddamMedusa]

My partner and I started our Ivf journey 2 years ago, we're doing a specific type of IVF called PGD. Which tests our frozen embryos for a genetic condition on my husbands side prior to implantation to ensure our future child /children won't have it.

In November 2019 we had our first FET, after months of joking that we'd get pregnant first time because both of our close family members seem to pop out babies like it's going out of fashion. We were both extremely disappointed when we got the negative result back, even more disappointed when we realised we had to wait till April 2020 to try again.

But we knuckled down, I started my injections and went for another FET.
This time we got a positive result. But the doctors were concerned because the HCG levels were late than what they should be. They had us go back a few days later and checked it again. This time the levels had gone up to a level they were happy with. Then a week before the first scan I miscarried. I felt useless, like my body was betraying me. I contacted the clinic, they told me to continue taking my drugs and go back the following week for my scan as planned. Which confirmed that there wasn't a baby there.

Then the whole country went into lockdown and all IVF clinics shut due to that. We had no time frame, no start date to concentrate on. I was furloughed and stuck at home, I felt rubbish about everything. Everyone we knew started getting pregnant. First a girl I worked with (I was working in a small hairdressing salon). Then two separate couples who we are very close to announced they were pregnant within a few weeks of one another.

We finally got news the clinics were re - opening, and scheduled our FET for October 2020. Went through the drug cycle again. And a close friend of mine let me know she was starting her first cycle of ICSI. We ended up being on the hormones around the same time as one another. I had my FET a few weeks before her which came back negative again. And then she had her ET as a fresh unfrozen transfer.
Two weeks later she told me she was pregnant, I congratulated her, and told her I was happy for her, which I was and am. But I couldn't help but feel jealous, and upset.

All of our close friends are expecting they're babies in the next few months, January, February, March, May.

We're scheduled to go for another FET sometime in the week commencing January 18th.
I'm currently taking my hormones in preparation for it which is getting harder to do because I'm so bruised and sore from doing the injections in my stomach.
Everyone is sharing photos of their bumps and scan photos and all it makes me want to do is cry.
I'm not hopeful this time round. After 2 FET's and a MC I'm feeling entirely useless. I feel like a terrible person because all I want to do is block contact with everyone who is pregnant because it feels like a salt being rubbed into an open wound every time I hear or see anything to do with it.

The friend who did ICSI messaged me about 8 weeks after she told me she was pregnant asking why I wasn't talking to her much any more. I told her I'd been busy with studying and looking for a new job. But in reality I just couldn't face hearing about her symptoms and seeing her bump growing.

Is it normal to feel this way? Am I a terrible person for feeling that way? I just feel like the worst person in the world for wanting to lock myself away from everyone.

Hello @MaddamMedusa,

I am not in a similar situation but didn't want to read and run.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. The most important thing to know right now is you most certainly are not a terrible person. Can you get your GP to refer you to a psychologist or counsellor so you can discuss this further? I imagine the mental health system is somewhat inundated in the UK at the mo (I live abroad) so it might be worth getting on a list.

From what I've gathered through this TTC journey is that there is no right or wrong way to feel. There are many people who feel the way you do. Can you perhaps take a break from social media? I don't think it does any favours for the most part and it is impossible to know the true or full story behind anything that gets posted (not just pregnancy announcements) - it is not helpful.

It is so difficult when everyone around you is making announcements, but try to focus on you. It's ok to be happy for the people who have conceived but very sad for yourself and your situation.

I'm sorry I can't offer more advice or similar experience but hopefully someone else might read this too and be able to share their side. Look after yourself - big hugs.

I haven’t needed ivf but I struggle to carry. 1 live birth and 7 mc’s. I was urygubakky told I’d never conceive naturally so the fact I can is a motive in itself. When I was told that though, and when I’d fall then miscarry it seemed like everyone was then suddenly pregnant. I cut so many people out because I simply couldn’t cope. I put a Fb post up to say I couldn’t cope and that I was going to unfollow some people until I was stronger. For the most part people were really understanding and toned down their posts a bit.
To feel how you do right now is fully understandable. I’d deffo have a chat with your GP and see if you can arrange counselling to help while you go through this next round.

Sending huge ((hugs)) 💗

Hi @MaddamMedusa I just wanted to check in and say I'm so very sorry you're feeling like this and that things haven't worked out yet. I've been TTC for while and desperate for a baby for a couple of years and both of my very best friends are due their babies in a couple of months. It really, really hurts - I felt we might go through it together (we started trying at similar times) and I feel sad for myself that what seems easy for some doesnt seem to be for me. And yes, I do feel a bit jealous too. I think that's normal but I'm trying my best to feel happy for them and I truly am, but like you I have wanted to cut myself off. I have really made the effort not to though, and have found that every time I speak to my friends who are pregnant/have babies I actually feel a bit better as I build it up in my head to be worst than it actually is - none of them go on about their pregnancies or babies and we talk about normal things. Although I really did have to dig deep todah when I volunteered to host a baby shower (virtually) today . I bet your hormones are really playing havoc with your emotions at the moment. Have you spoken to your DP about how you feel? It might really help to get it off your chest and he might be having similar thoughts. Make sure you are getting lots of sleep, distract yourself lots and give yourself treats to look forward to. Got my fingers crossed for you x

Im so sorry youre going through this.

Sometimes especially when it comes to your emotions you need to protect yourself, if thats taking step back from people ot situations for a time, do whats right for you.

Wishing you all the best xx

@MaddamMedusa you aren’t a terrible person at all. I’ve had 2 pregnancies, one natural and one fresh transfer from IVF, resulting in 2 missed miscarriages. It does feel like everyone and their dog are getting pregnant at the moment but you are absolutely not alone.

I would actually suggest being honest with your friend if you can. Tell her that you are happy for her but finding it really difficult to hear her baby news because of what you’re going through, so feel like you need to distance yourself for now.

There are plenty of support groups on FB, I was recommended Cradle Early Pregnancy loss, and Fertility Buddies by people on here

Thanks for all your messages and support. When i wrote this it was very late and i was tired, upset and couldn't sleep.

A few weeks after my ICSI friend originally messaged me she sent another message basically asking why i wasn't happy for her. (I was the only person who wasnt commenting/liking her posts.) I'd opened up to her about how i felt then.

Her response was that i should be grateful that i get so many oppurtunities to keep trying. (I have been extremely lucky in that the NHS has granted me and my DP 3 full rounds of IVF for free. i was also really lucky that out of the 8 embryos i had that made it to day 5 to be tested that 5 of them came back healthy. Meaning that as of right now, we have two more embryos frozen and ready for transfer.)

When she said this to me i was heartbroken. Knowing that i could end up going through this over and over again. Taking all the hormones, travelling from South Yorkshire to London to have our FET's and travelling back all in one day. The waiting to find out if its took. The disappointment that both DP and i feel when its negative. Knowing i could MC again. All of it is absolutely exhausting, both mentally and physically. I didnt feel and i dont feel that she really understands the situation im in at all.

Her and her DP were only granted 2 rounds. They did all their treatment local to them. She only had 2 viable embryos from her first attempt. They implanted one and froze the other. And she was lucky, and hers took first time.

When she told me this it only reinforced my feelings that i was being a bad person for feeling the way i feel. And for the past couple of months ive been bottling everything up because i didnt want to have anyone else think i was a bad person.

Reading your messages and your feelings and thoughts has made me feel like im not alone in feeling that way. And that im not a horrible person for needing space away from it all.
I still feel pretty rubbish but i dont feel guilty about feeling this way anymore. So i thank you all.

I'm going to take a break from social media until i have my next FET so i can focus on myself and my own self care. And i'll pop back in here to check in and let you know how it goes. @Sunbird24 I'll check out those support groups too, i hadnt really know where to look to find any support, so ill get myself on there.

I wish all of you good luck in all your endeavors, and im sending big hugs back to you all!

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