DH not interested in TTC

Zara092 · 2021-01-04T16:06:57+00:00

Hi everyone, happy new year! I’m currently 10dpo and had BFN this morning. I’m really sad because DH isn’t always up for BD when I ask... we sadly didn’t BD on the day I ovulated because DH said he wasn’t in the mood. [confused] I feel like I’m doing this TTC journey on my own... what’s the point of using OPKs if no BD during fertile windows? [sad] We have no children btw and I would really like at least one.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 04/01/2021 16:10

Are both you and DH wanting children?

Assuming you are on the same page in wanting them, you need to sit him down and be clear that there are only a few days a month you can get pregnant, and if you dont have sex then it is literally impossible

SmidgenofaPigeon · 04/01/2021 16:14

Does he actually understand how it works? I don’t mean that rudely, but actually when at the age of 34 when we started trying neither of us knew that it came down to such a small window and tiny tiny chances unless you catch it right.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 04/01/2021 16:15

Just to add OP, I think it’s better to have sex in the days leading up to ovulation rather than the day of- better to have the sperm waiting for the egg rather than the other way round I believe.

Juno231 · 04/01/2021 16:16

Did you BD in the run up at least? Hitting ovulation day isn't crucial if you've managed to BD in the 2-3 days leading up to it, even if just once.

I agree with the PP though - does your OH understand how narrow the fertile window is and that even if you manage to BD the odds are still only 20%? I'd explain to him as well all the effort you're putting into it and that you expect him to carry part of that load by engaging actively in FW.

Saying that, I've been arguing with OH for 9 months now about how I feel alone in the TTC journey as well. He usually does his part in the FW but going through the faff of pinpointing ovulation and the TWWs without a single word from him makes it very lonely. We've been TTC for a year and he's not lent me much support at all during this time. He can't even put 2+2 together of me being upset when AF has shown up!

Original poster

Zara092 · 04/01/2021 16:17

Hi @TheDaydreamBelievers
I’ve explained the importance, and usually he’s very excited, promising to commit before the cycle. But when the day come he says he isn’t in the mood.

He’s told me he wants kids but seems to want to BD immediately after AF, when fertility is very low. Maybe he doesn’t after all

OP posts:

SmidgenofaPigeon · 04/01/2021 16:20

Yeah you really need to pin him down on it OP. It’s crap if you feel like he’s not on board with it because quite frankly TTC is a massive pain in the arse. I’m lucky DH has only ever turned me down after we’ve done it 5+ over the window but he’s not amazing at recognising the ‘work’ I put in doing OPKs, checking cervical mucus, taking vitamins, being aware of dates....he is just sort of available for the event with none of the background work 😂

Original poster

Zara092 · 04/01/2021 16:25

Wow thanks so much guys, for the advice. I don’t know why I’m feeling emotional today, must be the BFN I got this morning.

@SmidgenofaPigeon I’ll take your advice on board and explain it to him again. I gave a brief explanation when we started 3 months ago, but you’re right, maybe he doesn’t understand how crucial BD during he fertile window is.
We BD the day before and early them to good after ovulation, so I was holding onto that for hope.

@Juno231 Right, it can be tough when it seems you’re the only one taking it all seriously. Hahaha I thought my DH was the only one who couldn’t process that sometimes by mood is off because AF is visiting! Did your OH become more involved after you both discussed how you felt?

OP posts:

Original poster

Zara092 · 04/01/2021 16:27

@SmidgenofaPigeon
It also makes me feel undesirable when he turns me down... but I don’t know how to tell him. We’re both in our late 20s so I didn’t expect his participation to wane only 3 cycles in.

OP posts:

Juno231 · 04/01/2021 16:32

@Zara092 haha my OH's libido fell off a cliff about 2 years ago so his enthusiasm died before we even started TTC! I know how you feel...
And no I've been talking to him regularly about it and had two big arguments about his lack of participation but it's changed nothing at all. I even sent him a great reddit post on how to support your wife during TTC but he's not used any of the tips in there so far.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 04/01/2021 16:33

He probably is slightly put off with the rigidness of ‘having’ to do it at certain times- my DH has been on occasion, and actually especially in the run up I just won’t tell him anything, I’ll just come on to him he seems to prefer that. Other times I will say, we need to have sex, I’m about to ovulate. But I wouldn’t be as comfortable saying that to him if he wasn’t 100% on board with what we are trying to achieve.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 04/01/2021 16:35

To be honest, I dont have a lot of time for the "it isnt sexy" response - my DH only said this once but I v quickly pointed out that this isnt exactly sexy for me either but we both really want a baby like now, so get with the programme. TTC is hard enough work without having to put on a play act that this week I'm just feeling soooooo sexual too

TheDaydreamBelievers · 04/01/2021 16:37

Dont get me wrong, I do ofc fancy my DH and want to jump him most of the time but sometimes a man and woman just gotta do what a man and woman do and get the job done.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 04/01/2021 16:37

Agreed @TheDaydreamBelievers

Respectabitch · 04/01/2021 16:44

@TheDaydreamBelievers

To be honest, I dont have a lot of time for the "it isnt sexy" response - my DH only said this once but I v quickly pointed out that this isnt exactly sexy for me either but we both really want a baby like now, so get with the programme. TTC is hard enough work without having to put on a play act that this week I'm just feeling soooooo sexual too

He literally can't do it if he isn't feeling sexy though. "Lie back and think of England" isn't an option for him. And I would find it a really big turnoff as well if someone made it clear they were now primarily interested only in my sperm.

Why make such a big military style organised production of TTC when you're in your twenties or thirties and just starting it? If you have a regular cycle you already more or less know what week you will be fertile and don't need to muck about with mucus and charts and peeing on things. Just have sex and have fun. You're probably naturally horny around ovulation anyway if you're not squashing every bit of fun out by contemplating the texture of your mucus all the time.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 04/01/2021 16:54

It’s easy to say ‘just have fun’ and that’s probably along the same lines as ‘just relax and it’ll happen’

Both can be pretty patronising really.

I’m 35, don’t have kids already, had a miscarriage a few months back, I don’t want to piss about, I want it to happen, and I’ll take the steps necessary to make that happen. If that means I am thinking about OPK sticks or whatever then so be it. DH is not suffering because I am specifically saying we should have sex frequently on certain days, believe me.

unicornpower · 04/01/2021 16:59

My DH is the same tbh, he finds it hard to perform of he isnt in the mood. We are under the fertility clinic now and our consultant told us to just have sex EOD rather than trying to cram it all in. It did take the pressure off as it does feel a bit more natural rather than as soon as we get a positive OPK its go time.

He really needs to understand its not easy for you either but I cant imagine the fact they HAVE to orgasm when they don't feel like it!

I am sending you loads of love as its so frustrating when all you want is a baby and obviously sex has to happen! Having said that though, the month we conceived we had sex like once over fertile period and was def a couple of days before Ovulation!

Respectabitch · 04/01/2021 17:05

If you're older or already have reason to believe that as a couple your fertility is low that is a bit different. But a lot of people seem to think you can't possibly TTC without three apps, daily temping and a battery of things to pee on, and there is really just no need to go to DEFCON One on day 1. And even if you do need to think about timing a bit more precisely, basically ordering someone to have an orgasm RIGHT NOW is unlikely to have a high success rate.

Hopefully you'll still be having sex for many years after you have a baby, so killing your sex life with the pressure during TTC is best avoided if possible.

ivfbeenbusy · 04/01/2021 17:06

My DH was very much the same when we were TTC our first until I sat him down and gave him a biology lesson.

I also don't think they fully understand/can never experience the maternal urge to have a baby - a baby is very much an abstract concept for them until one actually arrives.

My DH was much more enthusiastic the second time around TTC I think because he knew/understood what he was getting at the end of it 🤣

SmidgenofaPigeon · 04/01/2021 17:09

Ha, no need to worry about my sex life going forward or at any other time of the month apart from 4-5 days fertile window thanks! And believe me I don’t want to have to think about it as much as I have to do. I see what you’re saying. Luckily no problems with DH’s virility or stamina this far apart from a bit of ‘again?! We just did it yesterday!’ which he has no problems getting over.

Lillygolightly · 04/01/2021 17:09

During TTC I literally never mentioned anything, I never did OPK’s etc but I did track my cycles and temp etc. I never spoke about results or fertile times with DH, all he knew was that we were TTC and of course not preventing a pregnancy. I of course told him when I tested for pregnancy and whether it was positive or negative, but that was all. Sometimes the less thought about it and the least amount of pressure is the way to go. I would have loved it if he had been all interested in OPK’s, temps and fertile windows, but I knew he just wasn’t like that, so I didn’t force him to be like that.

Your partner should naturally find you more attractive during your fertile time, science has proven that your more attractive at your fertile time...pheromones and all that so perhaps try not saying anything and just let nature take its course. I know this is hard to do, but if it helps it helps, I’m all for the path of least resistance.

MMG21 · 09/01/2021 11:21

Hi just jumping in here. I am in same situation as a lot of you. I am TTC #2 and ive basically said to my DH im stopping the pill lets see what happens thats it. I dont use ovulation sticks or do my temp etc I do have the flo app. But I dont mention any of it to my DH luckily he would have sex if I woke him up at 3am 🤣 so he's just happy im up for it all the time (which so happens to be my fertile window) but ill still do it even when I know there's little to no chance of getting pregnant because id hate for him to feel like he's a sperm donor and im using him. He wouldnt be interested in listening to charts, ovulation days etc so I just keep it to myself. And if he isn't in the mood one day then so be it. I understand that when you're both invested in it then its perfectly fine to track days together and get the job done. Hope you all get BFP soon x