Career and having a baby

[Sunnysideup73]

Hi ladies

Sorry if this isn’t in the right place.

I’m just looking for some advice as I don’t feel like I can speak to any of my friends as I don’t want to admit to ‘failure’ and for reasons below my husband / family can’t really relate.

I turned 36 in December and my husband and I feel ready to start a family. The issue is, my career hasn’t progressed in the last 4 years to where I want to be in terms of career milestones. This setback is primarily due to being in a company where there is no route up and also a bullying culture / weak leadership who won’t deal with it but I feel like I can’t really move to another job if we want to start a family and at my age, time is not on my side. I have no idea about our fertility situation and I do plan on getting that checked soon but I feel like if I have a baby now that it will be near impossible to move up and that this is all my career will be and that makes me extremely anxious. I’m a very proud person and I’m very ambitious but due to the toxic atmosphere I have to deal with and the fact I have been prevented from progressing, I feel quite lost and in addition to this my age isn’t really on my side in terms of waiting a few more years to allow a move. I feel like the last few years have slipped away and suddenly it’s 4 years later and I’m not in my early 30s anymore. It’s an unfortunate set of events but it is what it is and life isn’t perfect I guess. My company has a good maternity package and I could always move job after the baby but I know it’s difficult to move up once you have a baby / I will also need to explain the no progress in 4 years but I could always make that work. So a move post baby is an option, too.

Alternatively, perhaps once the baby comes along I’ll be quite happy to stay at my present position but that’s a bit of a gamble and I won’t know how I feel until it happens.

Just any advice or experiences would be appreciated as I feel like I don’t have anywhere to turn other than my husband who doesn’t really understand where I am coming from being a man, and my mum was never career orientated so she can’t really advise. I’m also an only child so I don’t have any brothers or sisters to ask for advice either.

Thanks ladies x

I’ve been through the same thing back in my late 20’s to early 30’s. In the end I had my baby, went back for 1 day after my maternity leave ended, went on sick leave as I could take 6 months full pay, and got a new job while on sick leave so never went back 😬
I think you have to ask yourself if career progression is your passion, or is a baby what you want. Would you look back in 10 years time and be happy with your life and decision? I don’t see why you can’t still progress if that’s what you want while also having a baby. Many do as we have a lot more choices now 😊

I'm struggling right now because my job is very demanding and I can't spend as much time with my LO (1.5years) as I would like.

I'm trying to put changes in place to make it better (I'm in charge of the team) so that I don't have as much stress but if I can't I'll be looking for something else which will probably mean a pay cut and fewer responsibilities.

I was always very focussed on my career but since having a baby, my priorities have very much changed.

So if it were me in your position, with the benefit of hindsight, I'd start trying and not worry about my career so much.

I was the typical "career" girl - challenging male dominated industry. I'm the main earner by 3x DH.

Someone once said to me "no one ever had good employee on their headstone"

I wouldn't wait any longer to have kids. I had 5 miscarriages and 2 ectopics and was left infertile by age 36 - had to spend £35k and
Undergo 5 rounds of IVF to have our family.

Lots of NHS areas have age 36 as their limit on providing free IVF

Jobs come and go your fertility just....goes.....

What the others said - you can progress after you've had babies but you may not be able to have kids if you wait. Don't assume you'll be able to have them easily!

Hi ladies,

You cannot believe how grateful I am for your replies, and how much all of what you say makes sense. I don’t think I’ve admitted to myself how much of an important decision it is until I wrote the post / read your replies. It really does help so much to know others have been through the same decisions and situation and to get some perspective. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

@ivfbeenbusy your comment re headstone has really hit a nerve...in a good way!

@Penguinmumma I think that my plan would be to take my mat leave and look for a new job whilst I am off work! Given the bullying atmosphere / issues preventing me progressing anyway I think a move will always be on the cards but I may as well make it work for me and take all I can get from them and then leave, hopefully get a position at the next step up. Obviously that would be perfect but I’ll need to accept if it doesn’t happen I’ll have to stay at my current position until something better comes along. Although that could be 3 years away!

I really had no idea about the cut off age for IVF either. My hubby keeps saying that I will always be saying ‘one more year until I move up’ and that he doesn’t think I’ll ever be ready. He is 100% ready and has even said he would go down to 4 days a week once the baby is here to let me go back to work 5 days a week.

I can’t believe how fast things have moved since I was 26, you just blink and 10 years have passed. I have to think what will be worse in 10 years time: not progressing in my career anyway and having no children, or either no progression and children or progression and children. Having thought about what you all have said and after a bit of soul searching I definitely think having no children in either scenario would be the outcome that hubby and I don’t want. I am really hoping my priorities will change once the baby comes along and this will all be a bit a academic and based on what you have all said, this is probably what will happen

We are moving into our new house in March so I think we will get everything checked out before we TTC and will start as soon as we get the ok / moved in. I’m not going to lie, it’s really scary and it’s probably the biggest decision you ever take in your life but it also seems to be the most rewarding.

Given my age I’m not expecting it to be easy TTC so I’m ready for the worst, and if it happens easily it’ll be a bonus.

x

If moving job immediately to something better/with more prospects is an option, I would do that and then start trying for a baby after the minimum period has passed to qualify for the maternity package. Getting on in your career after a baby is very hard.

If moving jobs right now is NOT possible then I would start ttc right away.

@Sunnysideup73
Sounds like we’re in the same job 😂
Similar story, I’ve never wanted children and worked very hard to be where I am. Like @ivfbeenbusy said re the headstone I’ve started to re-evaluate over the last yr; it’s the first time in years I’ve been at home, not travelling and spent time on my relationship. I’m at that stage where I’m going to buy my headstone, write ‘best employee’ on it and move on...haha.

Out of interest what’s your mat package? That might dictate if you stay or move...mine is ok...but I’m staying for now as I earn x3 more than other half and he also wants to be a stay at home dad (which is great for me). What’s your plans post birth for childcare?

Also I have been on progesterone 18 yrs and by some miracle it only took me two months to get regular (to the hour!) with OV and AF. I’ve now been off 6 months and started TTC this month. I’m 35...

Great chat 👍🏼

I would do that and then start trying for a baby after the minimum period has passed to qualify for the maternity package.

Most employers require 1 year minimum for an enhanced maternity package and for lots of employers its 2 years by which point OP would be pushing 38

Personally I wouldn't risk it

I loved my career before having DD couldn't imagine doing anything else and was earmarked for director/MD level. After DD none of that seems that important anymore I'm not interested in going for director/MD I'd rather be home for mealtimes and bedtimes

I has this dilemma also.
I had a career that was buildable but due to living in a rural location the advantages just weren’t there and the pay for my ‘career’ was awful. I’d been in the job for 6 years and got nowhere.

I had my baby, didn’t go back to work and went back full time to a new job that doesn’t need qualifications.
I’m now earning a substantial amount more and can provide more for my daughter. If I hadn’t made that decision then the Christmas we’ve just had wouldnt have been as luxurious as it was and we’d be struggling to make ends meet.

I used to think that having a career was important, but actually it’s your happiness and what you bring to the table that count.

I am mentally and financially better off in my job now than I was in my previous career.

Hi all, I believe the standard minimum term to qualify for maternity pay is 6 months, so as said above - if you can find a more enjoyable job now there's no harm in taking it!
I'm only on my first cycle TTC #1 but I've already 95% made up my mind that while I'll endure work this year as I'm WFH currently, once maternity rolls around (providing everything works out ok) around I won't be going back - it's a small male-dominated construction company and I don't think they'll go out of their way to accommodate me either to be honest. It's a shame after a number of years hard work but I'm trying to be realised now way in advance.

It's not so much the qualification period for maternity pay it's that the initial qualification is most likely for STATUTORY Maternity only. So 6 weeks at 90% dropping to £150 a week. But most companies offer an ENHANCED package once you've been there 1-2 years which can be 6 months full pay or more so if you have a career and are potentially the main earner it's financially Not sustainable to leave a job where you already get the enhanced pay for one that will Only give you statutory pay and have to wait 2 years to be eligible

I could have written your exact post 6 years ago. I was 37 and in exactly the same position. We decided to go for it and try for a baby but we had fertility issues. I wasn't able to have a child till I was 41 (although thank goodness it did happen). I stayed with the company all that time as I didn't feel I could leave. I had a baby and gave up work, I'll try to rebuild my career when my 2 kids are in school, I find I don't mind as much the complete stall in my career as I'm very lucky to have my kids. It very nearly didn't happen for us. If it's what you really want go for it xx

I have been there OP. I had my first when I was 29, in 2012. And I was very junior. Single mum and I really struggled on maternity leave.

I decided to return to work although nursery was more expensive than what I was bringing in. Using savings and working towards a promotion. I found that having a goal and an incentive were great at pushing me. I managed to get promoted within a year and then again after a year.

I went in to have a second one in 2019. At that point my career was progressing well but it was now or never. So I took the plunge. Applied for a promotion while on maternity leave and got it. I am now expecting my third and I have just successfully applied for a secondment. You can definitely progress your career while having kids. You just have to plan and work hard.

I don't have any family help but I do have other mum friends and we help each other as well as a partner who pulls his weight around the house.

Having found out at 26 that I needed IVF I'm really glad I prioritised family over career, I had no idea how long it would take to get pregnant, I still worked (own company) and then retrained during my second maternity leave, I'm 48 now and nowhere near where I would have been if I hadn't had children but I have teenagers and another 20 years of my new career ahead of me, I think at least find out what your fertility status is before making any more career plans