Feeling so upset .. why isn’t it working?!

[jblue2018]

I just don’t know why we aren’t conceiving.
AF due in 2 days and bfn on a frer.
Unfortunately it’s a bit complicated for us but we conceived our daughter (who is nearly 2) on the 3rd months of trying. This will be our 6 month now.
When we were TTC 1st time we paid to have DHs sperm analysis as he’s nearly 40 - all fine.
I was ‘suspected’ of PCOS as my cycles were 45 ish days then, although I had no other symptoms l. I was referred for a blood test to diagnose but got pregnant before doing it. I did acupuncture last time but we can’t really afford it now.

I have asked for the blood test to be rearranged now, but the docs are reluctant as a) Covid b) I conceived naturally last time and c) my cycles are more regular now. They have varied between 28-35 days the past 6 months.

We have had sex every other day this month. It’s exhausting but we want this baby so badly. I adore being a mum. I want a sibling for my little girl. I could cry I feel so disappointed I was so sure we’d do it this month.

Don’t know whether to spend more money we don’t have on ovulation sticks.

Support/advice/opinions welcome xx

Hello - acupuncturist here with a specialism in fertility.

Firstly, 6 months feels like a long time but in each cycle you have around a 25% chance of conceiving, even if everything is ok. That's why investigations are usually left until 1 year of trying.

Secondly, if you have PCOS there are a number of reasons why you might not be getting pregnant, making that 25% chance lower. Do you know when you are ovulating? Although given that there are no symptoms other than the length of your cycle I would say PCOS isn't likely.

Personally I would say go back to acupuncture. Once a week is the cost of a meal out and if it saves you the emotional stress (and potentially the physical investigations necessary for infertile couples) then it is worth it.

The other approach is to relax about it, accept that it takes time and go and see the doctor after a year.

The final approach is to have investigations done now although I don't know any GPs who would investigate after 6 months of trying, because the majority of patients would have got pregnant within the next 6 months.

I’m sorry to read about your upset. I have been exactly where you are, desperately wanting a second baby, wanting a sibling for your current child and seeing the potential age-gap widening and not understanding why pregnancy isn’t happening.

With my first son I fell pregnant on the first cycle which I naively thought at the time was what happened to every woman.

With my second attempt, I fell pregnant on my first cycle again but sadly miscarried at 8 weeks.

It then took another 11 months to get pregnant despite trying our hardest every month. With every negative test each month my hope was crushed a little bit more.

Oddly enough though, on the 11th cycle where I did get my positive test we’d only had sex once on Day 1 of my fertile window. Also, despite obsessively taking pregnancy tests (daily, sometimes twice daily) I didn’t actually get my positive until the day my period was due.

I came to realise that I don’t think there’s much sense to anything - who knows why some women get pregnant on cycle 1 whereas it can take a year for another woman? Who knows why the same same woman can get pregnant on cycle 1 but then the next time it takes 11 cycles? Who knows why some women can’t get pregnant at all, even with IVF?

I don’t think there are any answers.

My age gap was a bit bigger than what I had hoped for (3.5 years) but life doesn’t happen according to plans and actually the age gap is really lovely.

Try and stay positive, although I do understand how difficult that can be. The best of luck for your forthcoming cycles

I just got a bfn the day before af. It's only our first proper cycle and it took 5 cycles to conceive DD but I know how you feel. I feel so heartbroken but also so ungrateful because I have an amazing baby already.
Hopefully it will happen for both of us soon.

I know it feels like forever but 6 months really isn't all that long.

When we were TTC I used ovulation predictor sticks that I bought off the internet. They weren't expensive and were accurate. Have a look at some of the online offers rather than buying in the chemist or supermarket.

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. It really does help to hear from people who are / have been in the same position. @oohmamama I have always felt that it may not be PCOS either. But this time round my cycles are much more regular so I feel like why isn’t it happening? I know sometimes you can do everything right and still not get pregnant but it’s so frustrating/ upsetting.

@ThornAmongstRoses thanks for your support and I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. I feel like now I have an almost 2 year old people are always looking and slightly thinking ‘hmm, I wonder when the second will be! ‘ especially as I was so vocal when she was born about how much I adored the baby stage. I know all age gaps are nice in their own way and I bet your two have a very special relationship.

@Soexciting fingers crossed we both get our bfp soon xx

@Lindy2 do you have to take them at the same time every day?

@oohmamama I’m doing acupuncture at the moment but can’t keep it up multiple times a month along with reflexology. If I was to cut it back to once a cycle, when would be the time with the most benefit in going?

Sorry to hear your frustration OP, I’m TTC for #1 and have been for 17 months now..

[quote Chica1990]@oohmamama I’m doing acupuncture at the moment but can’t keep it up multiple times a month along with reflexology. If I was to cut it back to once a cycle, when would be the time with the most benefit in going?

Sorry to hear your frustration OP, I’m TTC for #1 and have been for 17 months now..[/quote]

Personally I would drop reflexology. It's not proven to help with conception and although it's relaxing and feels nice it doesn't have the same benefits as acupuncture.

Honestly - once a month is not enough and you're probably better not going at all and saving your pennies.

Having said that the best time to go is probably just after your period to build your lining for possible implantation. However I have no idea what your Chinese medicine diagnosis might be and it may vary depending on that. I would speak to your acupuncturist if you have one if not, I would recommend a Five Element acupuncturist - I can give you details if you let me know where you are. They'll have a good chat with you about your issues and give you a treatment plan which suits.

Good luck

@jblue2018 I feel your pain! Also TTC number 2. Started in April and got pg on first cycle when only having sex once in fertile window. That ended in mc and we're now on cycle 7 of trying again. It's soul destroying and every month that passes I'm older and there's a bigger age gap. We're doing everything right- proceive plus, coq10, cut down on caffeine and alcohol, doing opks and charting bbt. Have been DTD either every day or SMEP. I've now started weekly acupuncture. Aaarrrgh!

@StEmilion we are in a similar situation then! How old is your little one? Me and my sibling are close in age so I think that makes me feel pressure too in an odd way. Plus the fact I’m desperate for my daughter to be a big sister! I’ve bought some opks for next cycle as I can be a little irregular which doesn’t help my anxiety!

[quote StEmilion]@jblue2018 I feel your pain! Also TTC number 2. Started in April and got pg on first cycle when only having sex once in fertile window. That ended in mc and we're now on cycle 7 of trying again. It's soul destroying and every month that passes I'm older and there's a bigger age gap. We're doing everything right- proceive plus, coq10, cut down on caffeine and alcohol, doing opks and charting bbt. Have been DTD either every day or SMEP. I've now started weekly acupuncture. Aaarrrgh![/quote]

One of the main things I talk to my patients about is 'doing everything right'.

A long list of how you are doing everything right followed by 'arrrrggghh!!!' might indicate that perhaps everything is not right?

Please don't get me wrong - I became an acupuncturist after several miscarriages and 7 rounds of fertility treatment. I totally get the disappointment every month. And my age gap between 1 and 2 ended up being 9 years.

But I've found through my work that treating it as a race to get pregnant quite often has the opposite effect to the required one!

Thank you @oohmamama I’ve just dropped you a message

@jblue2018 yes very similar. My dc is 2 and a half. I didn't want a big gap, there isn't a big bag between my sibling and me either. But I think me focussing on things like that isn't helping! I hope opks help you... I know what you mean about them creating anxiety but they help me feel more in control. This cycle I'm trying to chill out and not think about ttc- easier said than done! Lots of pregnant people around me at the moment too which doesn't help!

@oohmamama I'm sure you're right!