Hi everyone,
I hope you are well. And I really hope someone can offer some advice/tips. Anything would be much appreciated.
my husband and I have been together for nearly 11 years, married for nearly 3. We are both 30.
We are of an Asian background. In our culture and religion dating is prohibited. I wanted to get married at 24/25 but we got married when we were 28. In Asian years that is faaaaar too old to be getting married - esp for a girl! But even with that his parents had decided a long engagement - 2 years!
Before we got married we agreed that we would stay with his family for no more than a year. It’s now been nearly 3 years.
I wanted to have kids 6months to a year after we got married but my husband wasn’t ready. When we were dating, we use to have sex - daily! Sometimes even 2/3 times a day! I never EVER thought sex was going to be the problem. But it is.
When thinking about our own honeymoon I fantasised having sex constantly! Sex that lasts all night! But our honeymoon didn’t end up like that. Days went by with no sex - he said he was tired and exhausted. I was so hurt - I would wear sexy lingerie / be fully naked but nothing. The wedding was stressful and we were a bit jetlagged - so I tried to understand why it wasn’t happening.
But even when we got back and to this day, days and days would go by with no sex. There were so many occasions were I would initiate it but nothing. During the day my husband would kiss me, hold my hand, touch my boobs/bum and I would think ok so tonight is the night but nothing. If I was lucky I would get sex once a week - ideally I want it daily! I have spoken to him about this several times and he would say he is tired from work and just wants to relax and sleep. He works crazy hours - sometimes they are 6am-11pm so I cut him some slack. But then some days like the weekends when he isn’t working he would stay up until 1/2 in the morning watching movies and then say too tired for sex. Even if during the day he promised we would. It hard to have sex during the day when u live with 6 other people so nighttime it is.
I wanted to have a baby for so long but he wasn’t ready. He finally said we can try earlier this year. I have pcos so I don’t get my periods often and it’s a nightmare to workout when I will be ovulating - I do the sticks and have told him we need to have sex every 2 days and whether he can commit to this. He said he can. Some months we have sex 10 times some months 2/4 times. It’s 30 December 2020 and we have had sex 4 times this month.
I have told him that we can’t have a baby without having sex and doing it so less is decreasing our chances and I am missing my peak moments. He says he understands but still nothing. The last time we had sex was 9 days ago. After I ovulated - I know to have a baby we need to do it when we ovulate but I would still want to have sex after this - just because.
It feels like he doesn’t want a baby but he keeps saying he does. He finally did a sperm test after I pushed him too which turns out he has a low sperm count. With my pcos and his low sperm it is even more difficult to try. We have been trying for less than a year and are looking at IVF.
It’s like he rather do IVF than have sex with me. I have mentioned to him a few times in the last 9 days that we haven’t had sex and wen we are going to do it next - not in a naggy way but light hearted and he does wink and say tonight but then nothing!
I have done sexy lingerie - which has worked sometimes but sometimes I have been rejected. Be naked in bed, sending dirty pictures all sorts but still nothing to get sex more than once a week - he is all flirty throughout the day but come to bed - nothing!
We haven’t gone to a counsellor as he is embarrassed about this. I have spoken to him but he doesn’t want to go.
I really want sex and a baby! Someone please help!
Thank you!!