I can't accept this early miscarriage

[lamby12]

I know time will make this get easier but at the moment I just can't accept and process things.

Does anyone know what will help?

Been TTC for 18months, overjoyed it finally happened just before Xmas, even though we tried not to get too excited too early my mind switched to pregnancy mode and I put the last awful 18months of frustration behind me. I thought that phase of my life was over. I had morning sickness, felt tired, etc. It was really happening.

My miscarriage started yesterday, Boxing Day, and I just can't accept that it's gone. I can't imagine myself going back to being not pregnant. Even though I have to, even though it's happened and it's already all over.

It was only 5.5 weeks so I know it was super early, it was just so so longed for. Has anyone else felt this awful about it happening so early? And how did you get over it?

Hi @lamby12 I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

It is totally understandable to feel devastated by this even if it’s early. Especially if you have been trying for 18 months. I’ve had a loss at just over 5 weeks also and one at 11 weeks.

I totally get what your feeling. When you fall PG your mindset and outlook on everything instantly flips. Your feel relieved and you have a new set of concerns. Your life instantly changes before your eyes and you begin mentally preparing and processing that. To have that then taken away is gutting.

I felt guilty that I felt sad for me and for my dreams more than anything. But TTC is so hard, it’s a mental battle, and a loss is such a blow having started to look forward to what you have wanted for so long.

It helped me that all the doctors and nurses told me it wasn’t my fault, to know there was nothing I did to make it happen and nothing I Could have done to prevent it. It helps to know that this is a normal party of trying to get pregnant - though that is not to diminish what you are going through. It helped to know that it happened because it was not a viable pregnancy and would never have progressed.

But it took time to process all this. It took time to accept each one of those things and know how they applied to me.

For now you can feel your feelings, you are allowed to have everyone one of them no matter what they are - if they are not what you think you should feel or what u think you will feel later. It is ok to not be able to accept this right now. This is painful.

The very first thing that helped me was when the bleeding stopped completely. I didn’t have much at 5 weeks, less than a period, but until it stopped I just couldn’t move passed it because it was still happening.

Be kind to yourself in these days if you can x

I really do feel your pain. Been TTC with second child for 3 years this December. No pregnancies at all in that time until this Sept. had an early private scan at 8 weeks thinking all was well, when they told me there was no heart beat. I bled the following weekend. I cried for the next 3 weeks, had a follow up scan and was told the miscarriage still hadn’t finished, then cried for another week straight, until I had a scan right before a D&C and was told it had completed naturally, so the surgery wasn’t necessary. That was when I finally turned a call and felt that I could pick myself up and move on.

I honestly didn’t think I would ever feel okay again. I went through all the stages of grief; crying, denial, bargaining, anger and I’m now at the acceptance stage, 6 weeks after that awful first scan.

You are right at the beginning of that journey. It doesn’t matter at what stage the MC happens. For you, it’s also not just the last 5/6 weeks. This pregnancy was 18 months in the making. You’re allowed to not be okay and to react however you need to (consciously or unconsciously). I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. All I can say is, while you’re going through this process, try to tell your nearest and dearest how you’re feeling and what you need, so that you get the support you need during your grieving period.

Hi @lamby12, I’m really sorry that you’re going through this ❤️ I rarely comment but I wanted to reply to your thread.
I was in the same position earlier in the year, at 5.5 weeks as well. I worked out my due date, started mentally picking out nursery ideas, baby names. Early days I know, but it was a relief to finally leave TTC mode when I got my positive!
After it happened I felt robbed, and I still feel robbed at times. I was silently devastated for weeks afterwards, and I shut myself off. I kept doing pregnancy tests, in the off-chance that I was one of the miracles cases I read about on parent forums during desperate trawling. I was basically desperate for anything other than the circumstances I was in. In the days after it, I lay low- spent far too much time driving myself crazy on the internet and far too much time in a daydream, but I do think that was part of getting my head around what had happened.

For me, it was the milestones of my cycle returning to normal and getting into my normal routine again that helped. The Tommy’s website was really good too- it answered a lot of questions, and it did help me accept that what happened was life changing. I’m still not over it by any means, but I can reflect on things now without as much pain. I hope you find your way there too, and again, I’m so sorry.

Sending you lots of support x

@lamby12 I am so so sorry for your loss. It is devastating at all stages. You may have already done so, but I found that confiding in my best friend and talking to her about it out loud really helped me. If you have someone that springs to mind outside of your other half, please consider this. Talking to her about it really gave me strength. Sending lots of love and support xx

I’m so sorry, I really feel you when you say you thought the TTC frustration was over. I had an ectopic 13 months into my TTC journey and I can’t believe all that time I was so unlucky, I can understand your frustration.

Please make sure you take some time off and maybe even look into therapy. Like someone said before, TTC is a mental battle.
I was told by a doctor friend that being pregnant regardless of the outcome means you are more fertile up to a year so I’m trying to get going again but I just don’t feel hopeful at all.

Please take care of yourself and wishing us both more luck x

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciated it knowing I am not totally alone.

The whole experience got even more traumatic because I ended up having to go to A&E (in a high Covid area) because the bleeding got out of hand. Thankfully it's now come under control and I'm starting to feel physically a bit better.

In a way things turning into a more urgent health scare momentarily distracted from the emotional pain. Now I'm starting to feel physically a little better I'm back to wondering how I can come to terms with not being pregnant.

I know to some people this will seem so silly as it was so early, but I just feel like I have lost so much. I can't explain why it's hit me so hard.

My DH is eager to keep telling me about lots of people he knows of/celebs/stories of people who got pregnant the month after a miscarriage. I know you're supposed to leave it a certain time anyway and DH is just trying to pick me up, and also says no pressure on when we're ready again. In a way I'm ready to be pregnant again tomorrow because I want it so bad but I also feel like I just can't take the loss again. It took 18months to get this far, how will it ever happen again?! I really don't know how I can move forward happily but I know I have to find a way.

Not really sure if I'm asking anything in this but others experiences who've come through it are always helpful. X

So sorry for your loss, its the worst feeling in the world. I lost my first baby at 8 weeks 14 years ago and I still miss them and think about them every day. Most people were just like 'oh well, you were only early' and didn't get it at all, but I still love them just like the rest of my kids and miss them every day. I dont think its something you get over but you will learn to live with it. I hope you can heal and feel better and that you do get to have your baby soon.

Thank you.

I also need to find a way to stop blaming myself. I know it's irrational so I haven't told DH but I have a deep down worry I caused this. Me and DH had a huge argument a few days before and I went upstairs and had a mild panic attack from upset/stress. Afterwards I felt guilty that the stress could have affected pregnancy and wished I could have just stayed calm through our argument, it was all over something silly that escalated and my frame of mind (overly anxious at the time) made me go a bit psycho about it. We made up the next morning but I feel it was then the pregnancy symptoms started to subside. I also didn't cut out tea because I was sort of going to phase it out and kept forgetting to buy decaf tea bags.

I know it's ridiculous and which one am I even saying caused it? Both?
I just can't shake the awful feeling I deserved this because I didn't instantly follow the rules (caffeine) and let myself get worked up. Why would I do that when I had wanted the pregnancy so much for so long?

It is normal to have these feelings of guilt? Logically I know neither of these things would have caused it.

This is not something I have experienced myself, but I just want to say that my heart goes out to you, @lamby12. I think this is like any grieving process - it is different for each person, and you go through it at the right pace for you - there is no right or wrong way.

Big hugs for you.

Hi @lamby12 I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't feel like you can't grieve because it was an early loss. You have every right to your grief whatever stage of pregnancy you were. It is such a hard thing to go through.

I'm sorry too about ending up in A&E but glad you are ok.

I had a loss at 9 weeks in August. I have a child so this was our second but probably our only chance at a second. At first I felt just devastated. I cried a lot and ate lots of chocolate! And I felt so frustrated because I just wanted to be pregnant and wasn't. Then I was ok. It's become something I carry with me, a sadness that I'll always have (and I want to because I don't want to forget that baby). But I'm ok and I feel stronger for having been through it and survived. I still have moments. Right now I just want to be 28 weeks pregnant like I should be. But I'm alright.

I suppose what I'm saying is that you will come to accept this in time. You'll move on and the grief will continue but in a different way.

Sending you lots of love and sorry you have to go through this 💐💐💐

Also I know you know this but you didn't cause this loss. A bit of caffeine doesn't cause miscarriage and neither does an argument.

Women get pregnant and stay pregnant in war zones and in the most horrendous situations - stress and the "wrong" foods do not cause miscarriage. I'm so sorry this has happened to you but it really isn't your fault.

Xxx

@lamby12 yes it is totally normal to feel guilt. This happening is shocking, and we look around for reasons why. This is part of your grief. But you did not cause this. Stress does not cause miscarriage. Tea is well below the recommended levels of caffeine.

But I totally understand why you feel this even though your telling yourself logically it is not. After my second miscarriage. I went to bed thinking it would all happen again that night. I knew it couldn’t, I had been scanned and checked it was all done. But I had that feeling...it was post traumatic stress. My body and mind were fearful and traumatised by what had happened.

What has happened is you is so shocking, your mind is trying to get to grips with it.
Reach out for support. It’s hard but try to share your feelings. dH would want to know and support you through this. What your feeling is totally normal and entirely understandable.He loves and will understand and help you work through this.

It may help to read some info or personal stories . This charity website is really good. There is a range of experience on there. www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

I've not experienced this immense loss myself @lamby12 but my heart aches for you, I'm so sorry. It just isn't fair. It's normal to feel guilty about these horrible situations and to feel as if you could have done something to prevent it, but you couldn't have. Please be kind and gentle with yourself and please, please don't blame yourself as you've done nothing wrong. There is no right or wrong way to feel, or grieve. Just a suggestion, have you considered talking with a therapist about your experience? Sometimes it helps just to let it all out and cry, vent, whatever you need to with a real person, and to be able to look forward to that each week in a difficult time. Am thinking of you...biggest hugs. xx

@lamby12 that is good advice from @Bouncytree - the miscarriage association are amazing and also have a phone line that you can ring and just talk to someone. I called them several times during my miscarriage and just cried really. It was really helpful. They also have a FB page that I found really supportive at the time.

Xxx

I am so sorry to read about your loss and how you are feeling. It is not silly in any way and is totally understandable. Women didn't used to talk about pregnancy loss and it can still be difficult even though people do talk about it.. and people say such ridiculous things to grieving parents which can make bringing it up difficult.

Allow yourself to grieve, maybe have some sort of 'ceremony' with your DH to honour the life of your baby and the love you felt for them even though they were only with you for a short time. Allow yourself to recognise the pain of trying to conceive and the trauma of the death of your baby. Find supportive space to share and receive healing.