Another loss? 3 this year my heart is breaking

[Alicia870]

Lost at 5 months along earlier in the year followed by a chemical pregnancy in October and now what looks like another.
I feel completely heartbroken and hopeless. I've been given no cause or reason for this. So angry and hurt by insensitive family and friends shoving baby news in my face this Christmas with no appreciation for how unfair this game is.

My tests haven't changed at all since Thursday. This is how the cp went last time too. Please someone just understand :( no one in my life does

I’m so sorry and although it is more common than we realise I understand the heartsick feeling this brings. As someone who had 3 miscarriages whilst seemingly everyone was pregnant including accidentally I remember the searing rage at what seemed to be the injustice of it all. Although logically I knew that others’ news had no impact on my own struggles I had to really work to remember that.

I hope that you do get the baby you so clearly long for.

I feel for you, I have had mcs too. It’s heartbreaking. I think after three concurrent ones, you are eligible for more in depth investigations, so when you feel better, ask your GP about this. Also, even after many mcs, you can go on to have full term babies, so there is hope Xxx

Sending you lots of hugs

We had this last year before we conceived our little boy, it's hard and especially with being very early I had a lot of well at least it was early and you didn't get too used to the idea comments when we finally told people but that's not at all true.

If you want to try and find answers (If there are any - I was told the early ones are usually a chromosomal abnormality and very common they are being found more now due to being able to test and detect earlier and was nothing I did or could have done to change it) i would book in to see your dr and take your tests as if they have it recorded that you were positive and then not they can refer you for tests

Sending you lots of hugs, no amount of words will make it better but you're not alone ❤️

Thank u all. We have a daughter born after a healthy pregnancy but now all this heartbreak.

It's so hard because I was almost 22 weeks pregnant when my baby boy was born sleeping. We had so many tests done on him and me and they could find no cause. No chromosome issues, no defects, nothing in my bloods or placenta.

And now to go on and have the courage to try again and have two really early losses, it seems so cruel. I went to see a doctor after the October loss who told me probably all just bad luck. A lot of the tests they do in miscarriage clinic we had automatically after the late miscarriage. So I'm not that confident anything will be found or anything can help us. My only hope is that it's happened for us before but it doesn't take away the longing heartbreak and grief. I just want her sibling in my arms. We were right there and it got snatched away. Don't understand anything

@Alicia870 I am so so very sorry for what you have been through. You’ve been through and are still going through incredible trauma and grief 😓 I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling. I’ve had 3 losses myself but not that far along. Dr couldn’t tell me why either and my tests all came back normal. It’s such a confusing, heartbreaking and terrifying experience. Definitely insensitive for people not to be considering your feelings, especially when so soon after your losses. I know what that’s like 😔 Surround yourself with those that love you xxx have you done any thing special in the memory of your wee boy? Xxx

Was your OH tested too? Have you had genetic testing of you and your OH's predisposition to MC? Have you had your NK cells tested (this would have to be done privately)?

Your early losses may be entirely random, but they may indicate you have issues with implantation - if you had everything else tested, I'd be going down the route of checking immune factors. I had 3 MCs before (11 wks, early 5-6 and 13 weeks), currently pregnant again and under RMC care, all my tests on the NHS came back fine. We'll see how things go. I am sure you've read a lot about it, but your late loss may be completely unrelated to your early losses, there may be different reasons. Sorry you had to go through it, I really understand it's awful 💐

@Farfaraway1 thanks so much for being so kind. I really wish my friends in real life were so sensitive and understood. Perhaps you can't understand until you know loss yourself. but still I think common courtesy would be to not announce pregnancies on Christmas Day with everyone gathered around knowing that I'm grieving. Also got sent new baby boy photo on Christmas morning with lots of gushing from a friend.
Never did they acknowledge Christmas might be a hard time for me anyway. I cried half way through my dinner yesterday and had to leave the table. Felt so bad ruining the day for everyone. Just heartbroken knowing how it should be and that I'm also teetering on the edge of another early miscarriage.

We made sure Santa came to his grave - it's so hard. Worst Christmas ever. Just so sad!

Also OP, from my own experience too, people are stupid/insensitive after loss. I had photos of scans and newborns sent to me too, killed me every time. People are completely clueless until they go through it themselves. You see these idiots even here, on MN, makes me want to tear my hair out sometimes. It's hard, but take no notice of them, they're lucky to not have walked in our shoes, then they'd get it.

Sorry one more thing came to mind, have you had any scans after losing your baby boy? Are you sure no issues with your lining, fibroids or scarring, Asherman's syndrome? These all might be contributing to early losses?

@PurplePansy05 thank you so much!
Had al the usual battery of immune system tests after the late loss. All normal. But haven't had any scans and partner hasn't been checked.
But during the private consultation after second loss the doctor said because we have one healthy pregnancy, he knows it's possible and he didn't see a point in doing a scan as he said he knows my uterus can hold a baby. He also said any kind of chromosome issues are ruled out because both daughter and baby boy were fine. He told me to take baby aspirin and high dose Folic acid before trying again which I've been doing but obviously haven't worked. He said once a heartbeat is detected in any future pregnancy could do aspirin and clexane as precaution. But can't get get out of the starting block yet.

The nhs will hopefully see me now as I've had three but what else they'll do I'm not sure. But I wish they would at least give me progesterone. I agree I think the late miscarriage and early ones are likely unrelated.
What a shit tonne of bad effing luck.
It means so much to be able to have support from others who actually get it. Thank you so much.

You will likely get Cyclogest now on the NHS, I'm on it and on baby aspirin even though I don't have APS. But this time we saw the heartbeat, I'm 7 wks tomorrow, fingers crossed.

From what you're describing, it really strongly makes me think about NK cells, have a read on that online and on here. If my current pregnancy fails, I'm definitely going to have NK tests privately. You can have a healthy pregnancy even if the results come back abnormal and even without treatment as their levels vary throughout the year. You could have also developed an abnormality in their levels later after having healthy, progressing pregnancies. Re womb scan, yes, things may have been fine previously, but certain changes can develop in time or as a result of an invasive surgery, for example, so worth checking too. I am stronly thinking that if there is a medical reason, this could be NK cells in your case though, it seems your pregnancies are failing around the time when they could play a key part, OP. NHS won't tell you that as this is a relatively new research (but we're talking 20 years now...it's more likely the money!) which they haven't embraced yet, but the evidence is strong and it has helped lots of women.

@PurplePansy05 I'll read into it thank you!

Re cyclogest- will GP definitely not prescribe that without specialist review?

@Alicia870 I doubt it, I had it prescribed by a GP but directed by a private consultant after my second loss (didn't have an impact as I had another MMC) and then by a consultant at my local RMC. You can always enquire, no harm in asking. I'm thinking you could also have your progesterone levels checked by your GP, but wait a bit after your latest loss to make sure they're accurate. Wishing you so much luck, it's an extremely hard journey!

Thanks for your help @PurplePansy05 really hope all goes well for your pregnancy this time around xxx

Just wanted to say, I'm so sorry to read about what's happened. I hope you have some real life support, and I hope 2021 is good year for you and this pregnancy works out or you become pregnant. I hate when life can deal some shitty blows, especially when you don't deserve it Take care

I've done a digital and it's come up saying pregnant 1-2. Yesterday it said not pregnant but think I was using diluted pee.
I'm still not holding out much hope as my last chemical still showed a positive digital.

Is anyone there who could advise me? I just did an opk out of interest. I don't even know why - I heard they might pick up pregnancy. It's nearly positive and I also have ewcm.
Had the positive digital yesterday. Don't have any frers left until Tuesday. Is this a good sign or could af still show?

I don't know the answer to your question OP but I wanted to offer a handhold, and say that every bit of me is sending you every ounce of good luck there is x

@Alicia870 I read your post and had to reply to say I am so, truly sorry for what you are going through.

I too lost my wee boy halfway through my pregnancy, he was born on 19th July. I completely understand your pain and please know you can message any time if you feel you'd like to vent about it. As far as what you're currently going through, that is now my fear - to lose a child so far along and then pick yourself up to keep trying only for that to happen must be absolutely heartbreaking. I'm so sorry ❤️

People can be so insensitive without thinking about what you're going through. Whether they have been through it or not, common sense would tell them that this will be a difficult time for you and gushing pregnancy announcements aren't really appropriate.

Here if you need anything, and I truly hope you get a happy outcome very soon ❤️

The final test on this is the one I've just done and it's even lighter than the others. Game over. I don't know why I hold onto Hope when I know it's all going to come crashing down around me every time.
I just feel so empty and hopeless. It's a hideous feeling. Despite being a mother already and feeling so guilty that I can't fully let this all go and just enjoy my daughters company. The grief is just so intense and the longing is so strong. I can't shake it. I feel completely devastated. I wish I'd start bleeding so I could just be done with this now.

@KerryW87 I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss thanks for your kind words.
And also thanks @zaffa for the kindness.

Worst end to the worst year of heartbreak

@Alicia870 I'm sorry :( I know nothing anyone can say can ease the hurt you'll be feeling just now, but I truly hope things get better for you very soon. Seconding the advice from the other woman on here, perhaps going to your GP and pushing for some support and advice would be a good idea - it's awful you've had to go through this again and hopefully there will be some help so that next time it's a far happier outcome ❤️

Re. your guilt, if it helps then you're not alone. I have an 11 and 9 year old who I love to distraction, but it doesn't take away from the longing for another child, and after I lost my wee boy even moreso. It doesn't take away the love you have for your daughter! It is quite natural to feel this way, I would say x

Thanks @KerryW87
I hope they will do something about it now but I don't hold much hope. I feel so unbelievably angry as I said to the doctor already that I felt they were just making me go and have another miscarriage before they'll help me and it seemed cruel. Turns out I was right.

The private doctor i saw told me just bad luck. So I feel like there's nothing to fix necessarily. I can't understand why this is happening. What have I done to deserve all this shit. All around me people are falling over themselves with happiness about unplanned pregnancies and it seems like it's so bloody easy for so many people. I absolutely hate this. I just want to be a mother again and have that baby in my arms and now I don't know if it will ever happen :( I'm losing all hope which was the only thing keeping me strong.

OP, pause for a moment and breathe.

You're too early on for anyone, your GP, EPU, consultant or anyone else to save a failing pregnancy. It's difficult to comprehend now and very sad, but it's true.

You're wrong in what you're saying. Having a baby is not a breeze for everyone and you would have seen this from the responses you received from all of us on here. Trust me, there are thousands more of us on here. You aren't alone. At some point in this journey, we have all felt this anger and hopelessness. Our brains played tricks on us telling us pregnancy is easy for everyone and every female Tom, Dick and Harry around us were pregnant. But it doesn't work like that, this isn't the real picture.

You would benefit from counselling following this latest miscarriage. Then when you feel ready, you've been given advice on further medical steps to consider. I say this as someone who wasn't keen on counselling, but it has helped me enormously in dealing with grief and loss and it proved necessary before I felt comfortable enough to try again, and again, and again. Things will be ok, they really will.

@PurplePansy05 @Alicia870 I absolutely second the counselling suggestion. I also had never had it before and didn't see it as something I would go for, but I'm currently having it and it is helping me so much. Of course it's still incredibly hard and I miss my son and the TTC journey is a very emotional one, but counselling has been so worthwhile.

@PurplePansy05 is right that you are not alone, this is what forums like this are for ❤️

Thank you both. I started bleeding this morning which is actually a welcome relief. Ironic when all you want is to avoid blood but you know the false hope is now gone.
I understand what you're saying. I get that it's very hard for so many people. I also know I'm one of the lucky ones despite all my heartache as I have a gorgeous daughter and I'm so grateful. I suppose it adds to the guilt because I just still have this desire and feeling of something missing.

I am going to counselling. When I started it was to help process the late loss and I never would have imagined our story would go like this and only get worse rather than better. A lot of what I've said here is through complete pain and anger and logically I know there are still steps to take and things to explore. I just vented in the moment. Thanks for allowing me the chance to get it off my chest