Getting OH to actually have sex with me

[CycleGirl20]

More of a rant than anything here, but hoping to hear other people's experiences.

Does anyone find it really hard work getting your OH to have sex at the right time of the month? There's basically a 5 day window, but probably more like 3 days where it matters to DTD. I use ovulation strips but even then it's easy to undershoot and have sex 6 days and 4 days pre ovulation. Then really we need to have sex again to get 1/2 days pre/post. By this point my OH has probably had enough for a couple of days. I end up trying to flirt with him whilst he probably is thinking how sexy he must be that I'm so keen. But still, he can't be bothered and we had sex 2 days ago right so that must be fine.

This month I marked with little dots the 7 day window we needed to DTD. That kinda worked once where he initiated sex, but then it turned out it was probably 7 days pre ovulation anyway and that's been his contribution in the last 6 days.

It's all well and good not wanting to push him too hard. I appreciate it's harder for a man if he's not in the mood. But then ultimately it's me who has to go extra months waiting to be pregnant because we've not actually had enough sex. And it's me who's gonna end up on the IVF meds if we don't get pregnant. Plus I found out people who are TTC, pregnant or breastfeeding can't have the covid vacation so that's another this it's dragging out.

Does he actually want you to get pregnant?
My DH shagged me twice a day for a whole month in the run up to ivf just as an experiment, unfortunately it didn't work and we ended up having ivf but he was definitely committed to the idea

He does yeah. I think he thinks people overdo these statistics where they say you need to have sex every other day, etc.

As someone who is currently in their third cycle of IVF it's a little insulting that you throw that in there as if that's your punishment for your husband not having sex with you. It's so much more than that. Plus the clinic want to know every detail before they accept you. So saying you only have sex once 7 days before ovulation they likely wouldn't offer you IVF anyway

Can't say I experienced this. We wanted a baby. Husband understood that babies don't generally make themselves..

We do have a lot of sex anyway though 🤷🏽‍♀️

There's nothing remotely sexy about having to have sex to try to conceive and a lot of men will be a bit put off by it. Maybe he doesn't want to do it on demand - regardless of wanting to have a baby.

When we were TTC I never even mentioned when I thought I was fertile etc because I didn't want him to feel like I was only having sex with him to get pregnant! We just stuck to our usual routine of having sex 3-4 times per week.

Does he understand how ovulation and conception work ? As my husband said he did but after i sat him down and explained all
About how long sperm/eggs live etc and how important it was to dtd on certain days, he really didn't have that much of a clue 🤦‍♀️ and once he understood was a lot happier to dtd when needed and luckily we feel quickly

We DTD almost everyday, told OH roughly when we needed to. We both made the effort. As we both read wanted a baby.

I agree with @boymum88 - it might be helpful to explain to him that the chances of conceiving every month are less then 20%! Even if you do everything right...

My DH just accepted that it is part of making a baby... we just DTD every other day for most of the month. As others have said it might be useful to explain how it works with the life cycle of sperm and eggs etc. DH was very good about it and liked to know in advance but that might not work for others.

Depends. My dp has a physically demanding job. The past couple of months have been quite stressful for him and working long hours so he literally does not have the energy to do anything, other than sleep! Neither of us have particularly high sex drives but we make a conscious effort, I would say. How long have you been ttc?

We're on month 10. Maybe sitting down and going through it would help. When I explain things to him he does listen, but I think he's quite optimistic that it will just happen. We'd probably have sex once or twice a week normally which is probably not enough.

It's me who has to go extra months waiting to be pregnant because we've not actually had enough sex if you both wanted it it would be both of you waiting. I think you need a calm conversation away from anywhere you can have sex and ascertain if it's just you.

Are you seriously going to pay for private IVF and all that process entails because he's not that interested in actively concieving?

Also are your cycles regular and are you charting them so you have a better clue when you're die to ovulate? Being off by 6 days seems quite a lot unless your cycles are loopy

“If we want a baby you need to have sex with me now”

To be honest by the end I pretty much sat him down and gave him a biology lesson on how I really only needed his "input" 2-3 times in a 5 day window. He could have the rest of the month to recover if he really wanted to but for those 2/3 nights I expected dedication to the cause 🤣

But I used digital OPKs so knew when to start trying once we got the flashing smiley face

It was actually easier getting him to TTC for a second child as I think he knew what he was getting for his "effort" at that point 🤣 - sometimes trying for your first baby is a bit of an abstract concept for men who haven't been fathers before

Whilst I understand your frustration of wanting more sex when you're fertile, I think talking about IVF is a little extreme... Would tracking your cycle more help time the BD so that it's effective, rather than 6 days out?
I do think that it's enough for us carrying our babies for 9 months and giving birth, so the least they can do is enjoy some more play time 😂 But my DP didn't really understand it either when we spoke about it. He thought the window was a lot bigger than it really is! Seemed very shocked when I explained how short the egg's life is once it's released.

I wasn't quite 6 days out. It's a 3 day window most of the time but to get it right and to have sex a few times before then it becomes a 6 day window. I try to get it right, but it can be a bit hit or miss.

We have managed to DTD today now, which is good as my opk said I was ovulating today.

I think maybe sitting down and talking him through how many days I am actually fertile would help. I've told him a number of times and he says he understands. Maybe he thinks he does but he's mistaken.

He definitely wants s baby. He's a very honest and lovely man. He's just a lot more optimistic and laid back about it than me. After 10 months and 2 chemicals he's still very chilled about it 'it will have when it happens' kinda thing whereas for me, it feels like a really long time and I'm really looking forward to having a baby and not TTC anymore for many reasons.

@CycleGirl20 I sat down with DH and we watched the 'Fertility' episode of the Netflix series 'Sex, Explained'. We both found it so interesting and helpful and I'd really recommend it for anyone TTC. It's also easier for some people to listen and understand via a 3rd party so it might get through to your OH a little better this way.

Hope that helps and wishing you lots of luck. I'm so sorry to hear about your losses, it is devastating and I hope you are okay. The TTC journey is not an easy one, as we are all led to believe xx

@CycleGirl20 Apologies if I'm teaching you to suck eggs, but I started doing OPK tests last month, and all of the ones that I've seen so far give you a postive 24 hours before you ovulate - so positive today would mean you'd be expected to ovulate tomorrow. Just incase that helps with windows and things, if you're not taking into account.

But your overall problem doesn't seem to be that he doesn't understand. Its that you are in slightly different places. You both want to concieve, but differently. He wants to do it casually, and let it happen when it happens. You want to be more regimented and concieve as soon as possible. You're going to bash against each other a bit because you can't follow both. I'd have a chat about which path you're taking, together... someone will need to negotiate, but at least you'll be in the same place. It's probably quite difficult to talk himself into wanting to have sex more than usual when he knows that you're timing it to TTC, and he wants a more casual approach.