Feeling like a horrible step mum while TTC 😔

[rmac2020]

Hi everyone,

I hope you’re all well and looking forward to what will be a bit of a different Christmas!

I just wanted to come on here to have a bit of an offload session if anyone will listen.

My partner and I have been TTC since March, so still not that long in the grand scheme of things but long enough that I’m starting to get upset at anybody else finding out their pregnant and worrying if there’s something wrong.

My partner is 14 years older than me and has a 17 year old daughter who had a beautiful baby boy in March. She lives with her Granny about an hour away from us, my partner was in the military for almost her entire life and they have still a bit of a long distance relationship but they’re both trying to be more involved with each other, especially now she’s a mummy herself.

She is a lovely girl and we get on well, she has her moments but what teenager doesn’t! However she has next to no patience with her baby and treats him a little bit like a fashion accessory, quite happy for anybody else but her to look after him. I try so hard to help them bond, taking them to do things or playing with them, doing baby sensory and helping her make baby friendly food for him but I just feel like crying all the time when they stay with us.

I am so jealous of her and find it so hard to form a relationship with the baby. I know it’s ridiculous and it’s not really her fault but I just find it painful at times to be so envious of her and what she has.

I’m sure your all the same, I would do anything to fall pregnant and have a family with the two of them included.

It’s just really crap and I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself!

Rant over, I just wanted to know if anyone is in any kind of similar boat??

X

You don't sound like a horrible stepmum (actually, you sound lovely!).

Lots of people struggle with feelings or resentment and/or jealousy when TTC- it's a stressful time and it can feel really unfair to watch other women experiencing motherhood. Please don't beat yourself up.

As hard as it is, try to remember that your 'fates' aren't linked in anyway. Her having a baby has no impact on your own journey

Thank you so much @Milkshake7489 🤗 sometimes you just need someone to reassure you it’s ok to feel a bit crap sometimes!

So you started TTCing the same month your DH became a Grandpa? Maybe that was setting yourself up a bit for some hard feelings? Could you use contraception over Christmas? Maybe that would help get id as of your potential baby, her actual baby, and babies in general separated out quite firmly in your mind? Christmas is such an emotive time.

Maybe it would be kinder to yourself also to back up a bit and let your OH be the one that supports his DD’s parenting? It’s almost like you’re doing too much, being too perfect a DSM and you’re making yourself suffer because of it.

@GroundAlmonds honestly that makes so much sense, I have never thought of it that way at all.

I think I find it difficult too because I have such a lovely relationship with my parents I want her to experience it too - but I’m not her mum and I can’t change how she was brought up!

Trying too hard is a flaw of mine anyway so I think what you’ve suggested will help.

I’ve never been a huge fan of Christmas anyway to be honest so I’m sure it’s just this time of year making it hard too.

Thank you again x