How do you know when to start TTC?

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Hi all, hope this is the correct forum for this question, couldn't see one for "fencesitting and dithering"

I've been posting on MN for many years now, it's seen me through several relationships (yes, I'm the original poocrumbs OP from several men ago) and I've been grateful for a lot of sage advice about relationships and when to cut and run...all of which turned out to be for the best.

Now I'm with a lovely man who is keen to have a family (perhaps not quite yet...he wants to establish himself in his new career first) but in general he's always been more keen to have kids than I have. I've been historically terrified of the whole shebang. My body changing (for the worse?), the pain of childbirth, the sleep deprivation, my time not being my own, then those awful times when they scream and hate you and it all just sounds horrific.

However. I only have to look at DP and I know he'll be a fantastic father. And the thought of bringing up children with him is starting to sound like a long-term project that I'd like to share with him. I'm in my mid-30s so I can't leave it much longer, my career is in great shape and I've done pretty much everything I ever dreamed of doing (travelling, hobbies, skills etc.)

I don't know what to do from here. Should I start babysitting to understand more of what it's really like? (pretty much impossible during a pandemic). Should I come off contraception once agreed with DP and see what happens? Or should I wait until I definitely 'know'? It all seems so much harder and more terrifying than finding the right man to do this with, because unlike in a relationship with kids there isn't any going back!

Don’t “see what happens”- despite what countless MNetters tell you, it’s quite probable to get pregnant the first time you try.
Come off birth control once ready to have a baby.
Babysitting won’t do anything either- are you generally around children in your family etc?

Most people will advise you to be married if you plan on being a stay at home parent so you are financially protected.
Regardless things to consider: finances- could you afford to take 6months- a year off? If you were to go back to work could you afford childcare (c£45-£100 a day), would you want to return on reduced hours and if so would your work allow it.

Hi, after reading your post I would probably say if you aren't sure you want to, then don't. Because if you wanted to have children you'd definitely know. Don't have children just because your partner is ready. At the end of the day you need to be just as sure as him before you commit to something like raising a child. You'll know when you're ready x

Thanks @OnlyFoolsnMothers and @ciara87777 . To dripfeed, I have worked on trauma which happened in my childhood which I fear screwed up my sense of "you'll know when you're ready" because I overanalyse everything and it's difficult for me to just relax into what is good for me.

The work situation doesn't concern me too much; I've discussed with DP and I wouldn't want to be a SAHM (my workplace are very good at part-time & flexible working and I'd ask to WFH mostly).

I've barely had any experience with babies, but I was a teacher for a few years. I think I've seen some of the worst with older kids, and missed the really cute stages

I spent my life being very non-maternal and swore I would never have children. However once I met my husband 5 years ago I suddenly started imagining having children with him and then once we were married we started trying.
For me it wasn't a conscious decision, I just knew I'd met the person I wanted to have children with. I'm still not gushy at all about babies and thats ok, the baby stage is very short and you would have responsibility of raising a human who could live with you forever.
It's the biggest commitment you can make so I'd wait until you know if you're sure

Do you really have any desire yourself, or is this being driven by what your partner wants?

Because I wasn't naturally maternal, and I eventually decided I did want children with DH, and it's worked out for me but my god I shake at the size of the gamble with fate that it was. And it is the one decision in your life which is pretty much totally irrevocable. If you hate it you just have to grit your teeth and buckle down. For TWO DECADES.

You have to be honest with yourself. I love my kids, I don't regret them, my career and body and mental health are all in fine shape, but you do have to learn to give up a LOT. Can you see yourself doing that? Do you need autonomy and personal space to function? Will you grow resentful if parenting and sacrifices aren't 50:50? (Which they usually aren't, even in the best marriages.) Can you hack it if you end up as a single parent? Who will give up work if your child has SN?

I don't think babysitting matters. Babysitting is really nothing like having your own child. If you can soul search and say yes, I can cope with the sacrifices, and I truly want to meet that person, then you just stop using contraception and presto, you're TTC. (Don't just "see what happens"; what happens when you start having unprotected sex is you get pregnant, unless one of you is infertile. Make it an active decision not a passive one.) But if you'd be doing this for your DP... Think twice, and then think some more. Because unless you are a very rare couple indeed, you will be the one whose life really changes, and you will shoulder more of the burden.

Babysitting someone else s child is not the same at all.
Either you like the idea of your own baby / child or you don't (yet/ever)
I guess if dp wants and you could see him taking charge and you can continue to work etc then why not?

Thanks everyone. DP has shown himself to be really responsible and a hands-on kinda guy so no concern about him pulling his weight. And I do find myself daydreaming occasionally of what our future child would be like, and it kinda makes me feel like i would be sad if I didn’t get to experience watching them grow.
On the other hand I'm very fond of my quiet time and even DP irritates me at times when he interrupts it...so not sure how compatible i would be with the incessant demands of
kids!