Close to giving up :(

[Tonimays]

Hi all, me and DH have been trying to conceive for two years now. Have had two miscarriages and lots of near misses. Have been to the doctors for blood tests, ultrasounds and smears. Everything normal. However I feel like it's becoming a bit of a strain on the marriage. DH keeps saying "it will happen when it happens" and there's "no rush" however I feel like there's a hole in my stomach that needs replacing. I'm so lost right now as I feel like he's not as passionate about this as me, and 90% of the time when it comes to BD he says he can't be bothered and we can try again next month :(

Have no idea what to do anymore, I feel like I'm in the ttc struggle all on my own.

Any advice, hopeful comments accepted 🥺🥺

Also whenever I tell DH about my feelings it just ends up in arguments and him saying he's not in a rush for a baby.

What tests has he had? What were the results?

He hasn't had any tests as he believes that if he's able to get me pregnant twice (which ended in miscarriage) he's not the one with the problem - I am. I would like to clarify that when I was 15 I accidentally got pregnant and had an abortion when I was 11 weeks pregnant due to circumstances. The pregnancy had no complications.

I'm very sorry to hear of your problems op. Has he had a DNA fragmentation test? His sperm might be 'good enough' to get you pregnant but there might be an issue. Have you had other heath tests? Thyroid? Any other issues?

Hi, I have had my thyroid tested twice, the first time they said my TS4 levels were low, had to get them re looked at a few months later, and my levels have normalised. I think I'm being referred to a gynaecologist department to get a deeper insight. However DH has had no tests and is completely adamant the problem isn't on his side. It's so difficult because both of our close friends have became pregnant and didn't have to go through any of this trouble, and he doesn't understand how that makes me feel.

Good luck at the Gyny hun. Definitely think he needs a few tests. I would personally not make it a big deal anymore, he might be feeling pressure? I would maybe stop talking about TTC and make the BD about just sex, but make sure you time it around ovulation etc. I had to bite my tongue a thousand times with OH when he was tired or wasn't in the mood but my patience paid off.

Men are so weird aren't they. Perhaps tell him your doctor has recommended a test? A normal sperm test is about £150 and a DNA test £450 (though you'll need to pay the doctor to read you the results). It takes almost zero effort from him! Literally wank in a pot.

Are you definitely having sex around ovulation? I know someone who was trying for YEARS but not having sex early enough in her cycle

@Tonimays my husband wouldn’t take a test either saying “oh you have PCOS and known to not be ovulating so why should I”. I took him to a gynae appointment where the gynae told him to take a semen analysis and also to lose some weight 🤣 it did the trick. Maybe next appointment take him along and say to your gynae “oh my husband got me pregnant when I was 15 so we think his semen is fine and therefore haven’t tested him” then the gynae will tell him what to do.

I really despise when the man seems to think there is nothing wrong with him because he managed to get you pregnant even tho it ended. My OH refused to get his SA done due to the cost and said there was nothing wrong with him. Makes me feel like I’m broken and he’s working. It shouldn’t be like that, it takes two to make a baby so if something isn’t right it’s only right that both get checked. I feel for you, just wanted to say you aren’t alone x

Thanks so much all of you!

It's really starting to wind me up because as one of you said, it makes me feel like I'm not fulfilling my role to be a mother and makes me feel broken and leads me to compare my self with other women :( I've read online you can get semen analysis kits, do you think they would be a good starting point for him?

I think you need to try and have a conversation without either of you getting upset and angry (easier said than done i know). He needs to get over his male pride and be tested and sperm analysis is a lot more pleasant than what you'll have been through. You haven't said how old you are but you need to decide what your next steps are ie if you'll keep trying until x date or if you'll explore ivf or fostering / adoption. DH and I have been trying for #2 for 2 years. DD took 8 months to conceive so we've been through testing twice. Ivf isn't for us and we're getting on in age so this was our last month trying - I'm in my TWW and if I'm not pregnant that's it, we stop trying and get on as a family of 3. It's not a fun conversation but you're a couple and you should be able to talk to each other. I know how not being able to conceive makes you feel and it's not something I would wish on anyone

Sorry to hear your struggles. I've TTC 10yrs, 3 MCs and midway through my 2nd round of IVF.

No, I wouldnt recommend a home semen analysis at all. My understanding is that they only provide 1 or 2 of the multiple things normally checked in a proper lab test. Instead of a detailed report, some home kits might just say 'low'/'normal', without any indication of motility, volume, normal sperm shapes etc etc. Also, IF it did show low, he'd need to then go for a proper test anyway. A waste of money IMO. Most fertility clinics would need 2, seperate samples anyways, because semen health can change week on week.

My DH also kept saying 'it will happen, when it happens'. He is normally very level headed and practical and although he hadnt refused to be tested, he didnt think it was necessary. Then it finally came to seeing a specialist and them saying he needed testing too. I hadnt realised till after the actual test, how nerve wracked DH was about the whole thing.

I only found out after that he hadnt slept well for days, as panicked about getting it right. Abstaining for the required days, being able to perform on the day, keeping the sample warm till we got to the lab, ensuring there was enough in the pot etc etc. There is a such a link to manhood and virility.

Have you seen a fertility spcialist as yet? Have you had a hycosy or HSG to check tube patency and uterine shape? AMH for egg count? Best of luck, but hopefully you can get him checked out too.

Hey, as you've been getting pregnant i don't think you husbands semen is the issue (I'm not a doctor just my thoughts). Mine is exactly the same though so feel your pain. Drives me mad when he says 'it will happen when it happens' or 'we should be grateful of the girl we already have'. Grrr men!!!
Do you take any vitamins?
We were trying for 16 months with no joy, after a month of a cocktail of vitamins we conceived. Unfortunately it ended in a MC at 6 weeks but i think the vits helped. Just a thought. X

Same boat op. Trying for four year with two miscarriages. It's heartbreaking. We are further along the you and have have all the tests.

DH had two SA. He had low morphology so it was repeated and came back with same results. My BMI is 30 and I'm old so none of these things help.

It is super super stressful depressing and misery making and I can't even be bothered some days to even think about it. We have been referred for IVF.

My advice is to use a bbt thermometer to try to pinpoint your ovulation date mine was day 16 of a 26 day cycle which is weird. I used the premom app and there is a Facebook group which is a bit helpful.

I take folic acid and vitamin d on recommendation of consultant and aspirin if I do conceive. I also take evening primrose oil to try and lengthen my cycle

Hope this helps a tiny bit but yes it so shit.

Thank you all for your supportive comments.
@cherrypiepie could you explain a bit more about the bbt??? I get so confused about trying to chart it.

Re the comments on charting and bbt, I would really recommend the book called “taking charge of your fertility”. It was recommended to me on here and it really helped me understand how to track my fertile periods properly.

Then I would sit down and properly discuss with your DH how important having a baby is to you. I understand this may be scary, as he may not feel the same way based on your OP, but it’s important for you to know whether he is (a) ground down by 2 years of TTC, but still essentially onboard with the idea of having a baby, or (b) actually isn’t as bothered as you are.

If (a), then you can work together to agree next steps. If (b) then you have a difficult decision to make.

I guess the urgency of this conversation also depends on your age - I was 35 when I was TTC, so didn’t feel I had much time to spare.

It took my friend 4 years to conceive her first and under one year (much to their surprise) to conceive a second. She's now a mum of 2. At one stage she didn't even think she'd have one child. I hope you get your wish soon

It's so nice to know I'm not alone. I just feel like I'm falling apart.

@Tonimays if you download an app like premom (there are others but I had this for ovulation test) it does all the charting for you.

You just need to take you temp on waking for everyday and log it in the app. Pre ovulation you will have a lower temp than post ovulation.

So a rise in temp show that you have ovulated around one day previously. And when in your cycle.

I did it for three months and got a good insight.

https://kindara.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/224930428-Temperature-Shift-FAQs

I understand how you find it difficult to talk to your husband and doing this helped me regain some control of the situation.