'Just relax and it will happen'

[mrspeanutbutter]

I feel like I'm done. I'm coming up to a year of TTC and I thought we'd cracked it this month. I had a weird metallic taste, slight cramps a week after ovulation, I felt tired etc. Then my period arrived in full swing and I spent Sunday curled up in a ball crying.

I just feel exhausted. I spoke to my doctor today and he said to 'just relax and it will happen'. We had a chemical in June so apparently that's a sign that 'things are working'. He also said that we won't get referred for fertility treatment until two years of trying. I don't understand how I'm supposed to relax? Or what that even looks like when trying for a baby? How I'm supposed to go on feeling like this for another year and a bit?

I know some people have it so much harder. I just didn't expect trying for a baby to be such an emotional rollercoaster. Any kind words of encouragement would really help at this point because I just feel really low. (As long as you don't tell me to just relax :P)

Honestly, screw "just relax". We're four and a half years and several losses into this game now, and along the way we have tried so many things and so many approaches, mindsets, ideas, ways to be and feel, all borrowed (or bought) from other people and nearly all leading to more stress and disappointment. There's also been a hell of a lot of internal reckoning and soul searching and after all of that, I honestly think "just relaxing" has absolutely nothing to do with it at all. People fall pregnant along the whole spectrum of emotional and relaxation states - always have. If I could go back to tell myself one thing, it would be that the kindest and best thing I can do for myself is to accept, and be there for any and all emotions that come up along the way. There's nothing wrong with anything you're feeling at any point, just allow it and don't resist it. I now know that's the only way I'm going to get there, and I wish I could have understood it sooner.

I really hope you'll get there soon. I know it's hard to hear when you don't know it's the case for you, and I don't downplay how much it hurts - I remember in lots of ways things felt harder back around the 1-2 year mark than they do now - but up to a year can be pretty normal for TTC, so hard as it is, allow those feelings, but don't give up hope. That said, while it doesn't mean anything at all is wrong, and you've every chance of that lovely bfp soon, I think your doctor is talking more nonsense in saying you won't get tests until two years have passed, I believe it's after one year under 35 and six months over. I'd definitely look into a second opinion on that.

@wellIsawthatcoming that's honestly such good advice about just letting your emotions happen and accepting them.

We've been TTC for 1.5 years and suffered a MMC in April.
I thought I'd be pregnant again by now, but we've had no luck since.

For the first few months afterwards I was completely obsessed with getting pregnant again as fast as I could, which clearly didn't help.

Once my original due date came and went, I felt a bit of the pressure lift in a weird way, because my obsession to be pregnant again before the due date was irrelevant after that point.

I know there's absolutely no advice that can really help, but just accepting that you are a bit anxious about the whole thing really helped me.
I tried to 'relax' for a couple of months, and when it didn't help it actually made me more stressed because I felt I'd wasted time not doing everything I could to make it happen.

I think you just need to recognise the type of person you are, and if relaxing isn't possible then embrace it, do all the research you can, track everything, and keep yourself as much in the know as possible so that you can be certain that you're doing all the right things.
And remember that even if you do everything perfectly every month, there's only about a 20% chance that you'll get pregnant.

That seems to be helping me to keep calm, for now...

At the 12 month mark they can send you for some tests.

We also had a 2 year wait for fertility treatment, but by the time we'd exhausted testing and moved to IVF we were at that time.

I found year 2 of TTC easier. We were going through testing and I'd started to accept it wouldn't happen on its own. I shifted from thinking every month that I could be pregnant, to knowing I wasn't.

I ended up getting pregnant just before starting IVF. It was our last cycle before starting and my husband was away for most of it.

I hate to say it, but for me accepting my infertility and having the IVF booked did make me relax about it... not sure if it helped me get pregnant

@wellIsawthatcoming
So sorry to hear you have had several losses. That must be so very hard.
Did you have any live births in between those losses?

It is really tough advice to take, but it is true.
Our first took five years to conceive and 4 miscarriages- I had genuinely given up and then found out I was pregnant 3 months later.
Our second rocked up 10 years later and a further 11 miscarriages and was such a surprise I didn't realise I was pregnant until 15 weeks despite suffering severe HG and then ending up in hospital for two weeks!

@confused38 thank you, that actually means a lot - we don't really get to talk about it much in real life (especially this year!).

No births in between, sadly, just the losses. A lot of grief to process and definitely some dark days, but I think we are changed in some good ways for the whole experience. And we thank our babies for that.

I'm also really not the normal story after one or two (or even more than that) miscarriages, so don't let that scare you, it's still unlikely to go this way for most people even after previous losses - but I would really love it if I can help anyone feel more forgiving and compassionate towards themselves on their journey, too. I truly believe there's no 'wrong' way for you to feel, just meet whatever you're feeling and you're doing all you need.

I also think there are lots of stories of people who stopped trying or booked fertility treatment or relaxed and then it happened, and those are lovely. But there truly are just as many if not more who stopped trying/went on holiday/had some drinks/didn't try that month/were told it wasn't possible... And nothing happened. I say that not to say there is no hope (there truly is), but to say don't beat yourself up if being relaxed isn't possible for you.

Absolutely do all the things we know are good for us in terms of lifestyle and wellbeing, I'm not discouraging that, but I know all too well how counterproductive it can be to be told to relax, and I've also come to really and truly believe it's not what's determining things if we can just meet ourselves where we're at.

We did get to find out the probable cause earlier this year (as part of a clinical trial that had to be cancelled so we can't be 100% sure), so we are keeping hopeful

We have been trying for over 2 years now apart from a 4-6 month break this year after an early loss. I am trying to reset and think that we are starting again after the break. I had a tough month, just got af this morning and I was going to give up tracking but then I realised that I’ve got into a great routine of almost exactly pinpointing ovulation with Clearblue connected so I am going to keep going and try to stay positive.

We’ve been referred for IVF on the NHS but expect that to be a long wait. I also take some hope from the fact that we did finally manage to fall pregnant after about 18 months so I am trying to focus on that and believe it can happen again. I agree with other posts though that sometimes you can’t just relax and stop tracking. So if it helps you as I think it helps me then keep tracking, do as much as you can and then try to switch off. I feel the worst months are where I put my life on hold completely for that tww and analyse every twinge only for af to arrive.

The month I was pregnant I was so relaxed, never felt a single symptom the whole tww and never tested until almost a week after I was due because I’d managed to switch off to an extent. Actually find that more difficult now because I’ve been pregnant once but that’s where I’m trying to get back to.

@mrspeanutbutter the “just relax” advice is probably my least favourite bit of conceiving advice . Have you considered going private? To be fair the NHS doctors l have seen for fertility issues have all been crap. E.g. the idiot who suggested IUI which is totally unsuitable for our issues

@balloonsintrees it’s true for some people but it’s not for lots. E.g. we’ve tried for 2.5 years and got nowhere. With IVF we just created a load of abnormal embryos, all we ever would have got out of them are miscarriages or nothing. Plus lm now 40 so in 2.5 years l will be 42.5 and then 10 years after that will be 50. Odds are virtually nil really without interventions.
Or my old manager who tried for over a decade had 12+ miscarriages. Had IVF and got 1 child. Naturally got pregnant 3 more times and then yep had 3 more miscarriages. I can’t see “relaxing” solving any of our issues!

Thanks so much for the kind messages. I took some time out yesterday so apologies for the delayed response. I think I'm going to call the doctors again in a couple of months if no joy and ask for some basic tests and until then I'll take the 'just relax' advice with a pinch of salt. It's kind of like being told not to think of a pink elephant...

@wellIsawthatcoming
That must be very hard. I have no children and have had 3 losses in last 18 months ago. My latest one was 2 weeks ago which I needed surgery. Right now I cannot see how I could ever be pregnant again. The thought of it horrifies me. For my own sanity I’m not sure if. I will continue. I will be 41 in May so ......

Have you tried ferti-lily cup? It worked for me this cycle but previous ones I hadn't used it x

Are you using an app like FLO? To track your ovulation. It must be tough OP but your obviously some one who takes a bit longer to fall on. Pregnacy is a funny thing you tend to fall on unexpected sometimes.

I have read that people have stopped “trying” then it’s happened. Good luck OP.

@mrspeanutbutter - time out sounds like a good plan to me, as does the big pinch of salt. I think if relaxing were the key, very few women would get pregnant after months of trying or previous losses, and that's not how it goes!

@confused38 that also sounds very hard. I'm sorry for your recent loss, and try to be gentle with yourself - it's still so recent and the surgery must have been an ordeal. No need to imagine being pregnant again or make any choices yet. I'm 40 in a few months, and yes the number looms large, but I'm reminding myself how that comes in big part from our wonky culture, and there is no cliff to suddenly fall over. And even if there were, forcing myself to make a decision under pressure would be unwarranted punishment and unkind, especially after everything that's happened. See if you can go easy and take a little time to look after yourself.

@mrspeanutbutter def call the docs back and get the ball rolling on your initial tests - you can start those after 12 months (2 years is rubbish so push back!). There's no point delaying things - if things come out fine then great but if not then you'll be kicking yourself for not having started sooner.

For reference, I'm waiting for my fertility assessment. The GP scheduled me in for it during a call last month and the first available appointment is in May next year. If they decide we need IVF, the waiting lists are up to a year at the moment due to covid. I don't want to be fear mongering but I just don't want you to miss out by not knowing what it's like atm!

Also he can shove his "just relax" where the sun doesn't shine. It's the WORST advice you can get when TTC.

• Firstly, people don't stress for fun so what help is it to tell them to relax - that's like telling someone who's freaking out to "just calm down".
• Secondly, it lays the blame at your feet - as if somehow you'd be pregnant right now if you'd just relaxed. No doctor - my husband won't miraculously get healthy swimmers if I relax so f off.
• Lastly - I understand severe stress potentially getting in the way, but not everyday stress or else no one would be getting pregnant. If women in war zones, undergoing rape trauma or domestic violence can get pregnant, I'm sure we can too!