Infertility in the south Asian community

[Shabzxx]

I know infertility is a horrible situation regardless of ethnicity but I wondered if anyone has gone through similar experiences to me and how you dealt with it?
I live in a traditional south Asian household with my husband's family. It's just assumed girls have a baby within a year of getting married. We've been trying for 3 years and it's stressful enough without the constant questions from extended family and hearing about people younger than me who have many kids.
We've had countless tests and because we all live together even my appointments haven't been private. We are looking at IVF and everyone assumes it's the woman's fault, there is nothing from the tests that seems to be contributing to our fertility issues but I still seem to get the blame. My partner won't talk about it so I get all the awkward questions.
I just feel so isolated and alone

Hi op. I'm in the same situation as you although we do live on our own. I understand how difficult it must be for you and please know I'm thinking of you. The south Asian culture expects women to have babies as part of a 'package' linked to marriage. I found this idea really hard to cope with when we were diagnosed with infertility. It is 'expected' that you will produce a child and bloodline. Though for us it was never about that, for us it was 2 people who loved each other and wanted to share that love. Unfortunately we could not control how or when we could have babies. we tried the ivf route and had 2 failed attempts. My family were very supportive and understanding, however my husband chose not to tell his family anything. This was linked to attitudes to shame in the community. He wasnt ashamed of who we were or our situation. But he saw me struggle for 5 years taking on peoples rude comments. People would assume I was the problem and it was my fault we weren't having children. Most people from my culture ask me straight out if we have babies, when we plan on having babies or how old we are and why we arent parents. When I was going through IVF the questions and assumptions almost broke me. Some rude people also decided they would give me tips on how to conceive.....like a medical diagnosis would not know all their old wives tales on how babies are made. I politely declined on their advice. I would advise you to make sure you have a support bubble around you. Please dont take what people say to heart, the journey is difficult enough without other people trying to make you feel lesser than you are. And above all I wish you all the love and luck in the world. We didnt have our babies, but I always hope and pray for women who are struggling to conceive to be blessed with a child.

Hi

I’m sorry to hear about you’re to have a baby. It can be a very taboo subjects and there’s a lot of thrown about phrases.

Some things to thing about in terms of the infertility

• how old are you?
• what tests have you had? Your initial bloods for hormone level checking?
• do you have regularly cycles? PCO and PCOS are common in the community. Do you have either?
• has your husband been tested?
• do you know your cycle and are you having regular sex?

In terms of dealing with the in-laws - you need to discuss with your husband what can be shared with the family and what can’t.
Think of a standard response to give them and use that every time someone asks you about it. Even if it is to say - actually We would love children but we’re having investigations.

Although that’s hard to blurt out. I had a rude in-laws once say oh you’re pregnant? (I had too many cakes and the dress did me no justice) and I should have said ‘actually I’m not pregnant and I’ve had two miscarriages. And the one child I have took fertility treatment and had a tough entry to the world’

Perhaps it’s easier to say ‘I don’t want to talk about it’

Sorry I’m not sure this was helpful

@Kdee52 and @NJool thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment on my post.
@Kdee52 I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through and having to dealing with those struggles it's so amazing you are still so kind hearted after everything you've been through and I think that says so much about you as a person. Thank you and wishing you every luck in the world.
@NJool thank you yes I'm got family in healthcare so have been given good advice on what tests are needed and regarding intercourse etc. I'm so sorry for all you've been through and thank you so much for your advice and support.
I think things have just been worse during the lockdown and not being able to see friends and family who are actually supportive.
Thanks again