I just want this so bad it hurts..

[testaftertest]

My partner and I have been together 8 years, moved home three times and are now in our forever home, where we would like to raise our children.
Everything has aligned for us so far, the house of our dreams is now ours and we have the space to make a real go of family life.

We have been trying for 9 months now for a baby. We are so ready, yet nothing is happening.
the last thing I want to do is to sound impatient or selfish - I am honestly anything but, but just recently TTC has really taken its toll on me.

we had a miscarriage last month. It was early, but it still hurt immeasurable amounts and it's really knocked me, maybe even more than DP although he was extremely upset too.
I keep thinking about how things could have been.. I would be 4 months along now. What did I do wrong? Can my body even carry children? 😔

Fast forward to now. I'm currently in ANOTHER TWW. The longest cycle I've ever had at 42 days. I just feel lost, broken and scared.

I scare myself sometimes with how much I want a baby. It's all I think about. I suppose you could say I've become consumed with it.

I keep seeing baby adverts, pregnancy announcements... Everyone I see in the street seems to be pregnant or pushing a pram.
5 of my close friends have all announced pregnancy in the last 4 months, they are all going to be fairly close in age once the babies are born.
They don't know my struggles, but it hurts when throw away comments such as ' when are you going to get pregnant' or 'it's a shame you're not pregnant too, we would all be so close in age - the little ones would have friends for life'
I can't help but to feel really low, really depressed and just don't feel like I know what to do anymore.
TWW after TWW and nothing seems to happen. I just can't take staring at a blank test anymore waiting for a like to appear when I know that deep down it won't.

I have had checks with the GP and also a OBGYN department and all has come back clear. No abnormalities, they have said I can carry children and am able to get pregnant.

I suppose I just can't stop thinking about the baby I've lost. My heart could have burst when I saw that positive test. Everything went fishing through my mind.. would it be a boy or a girl? What would I all it? Which room would be the nursery?!
And then the bleeding came and my world came crashing down 😔

I'm 13 DPO today. Tested, and of course it's a pure white negative. I just don't know how many more times I can stare at negative tests trying to make out a line that I know isn't there.

I'm so sorry if this is triggering or upsetting, I really just don't know what to do or where to turn. I didn't ever expect trying for a baby to be this hard. I know so many women have been trying for much longer than us, and my heart really does go out to you all💓

I'm so desperate now that I've turned to psychic readings, just anything to give me a little bit of home to cling onto - for someone to tell me I can and will have children.

I know to some a loss is a loss, and to most of the family I confided in, they have told me 'at least you can get pregnant' or 'it wasn't too far along so don't worry' but to me that was my baby 😔

I suppose I just wanted to know if anybody else has gone through this and had a positive outcome? 💓

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you it really does.

I’m not in your situation yet as this will only be our 2nd cycle TTC but I know in my heart I’ll feel exactly like you if we’re still not pregnant by Jan/ Feb. I think I have undiagnosed endometriosis too so I’m constantly worried I’m infertile.

I don’t really know what the answer is, except as trite as this sounds (and I know lockdown makes this very difficult this month) but try and fill your life with other things as much as you can. Do you have a dog? If not, do you like dogs? If the answer is yes perhaps look at getting a dog, NOT to fill a void of a baby but because they give so much love and all the time and effort required to train them in the first year or their life could prove a good distraction for you.

Do you enjoy travel? Could you book a really nice holiday for summer next year and put a deposit down? Again, just to give you something to look forward to?

Are you happy in your career? If not, could you retrain? If we’re not pregnant or given birth by Sept next year then I’m going back to uni to retrain as I’m not happy in my career and strangely, that is giving me something to look aim towards.

Once Dec is here I’d try and make as many social plans as you can and basically just try and keep busy and focused on other things whilst you’re TTC. I’m so, so sorry to hear about your MC however, it does mean you CAN get pregnant and know you can, so that immediately puts you in a better position than a lot of other people. 2 of my friends had MC’s before they had their first, it’s so common. Unfortunately, it isn’t talked about enough.

Basically, hang on in there. You WILL get your forever baby. Throw away any FRER’s and don’t test until AF is Late. You’re putting yourself through so much unnecessary stress (IMO) by constantly testing.

I’m sure other people will be along to give more helpful advice, but you’re not alone in how you feel, it’s hard but hang on in there!

@SweetShopSurprise thanks so much for replying. I'm so sorry to sound so depressing and low. In normal times I'm such a happy and carefree person. These kinds of feelings are really abnormal for me!

I've got my two dachshunds, they are a godsend! I adore them and the joy that they bring us on a daily basis 💓 🐾 we are forever grateful for those two!

I guess I just need to hold onto the fact, like you say- that I CAN get pregnant it's just it's a hard long road.

I really do wish you all the very best with your TTC journey, too.

Lots of baby dust sent your way 🌈

@testaftertest hi there I just wanted to respond to your msg as I know these feelings so well. I went through all of them 5 years ago when ttc including an early mc after 3 years ttc. However my husband (now ex) had quite serious sperm issues detected and we were told ivf was our only option. But after 3 years I got pregnant and mc at 7-8 weeks. I just put all my hope aside at that point because like you- I felt that was my baby, I’d planned my life so far ahead once finding out I was finally pregnant only to have it all ripped away from me. Following that I did a lot of self help, mindfulness through nature/outdoors, being healthier and a bit more active and accepted ivf would be our only option. Then 3 months following my mc as we were about to begin ivf I fell pregnant with my ds (my little miracle) and he is a very happy healthy almost 5 year old now! So it can happen and most likely will happen for you! Has your partner had any tests? Also bear in mind that a year is perfectly normal time to take for conception.

I am a good bit older now and have a new partner, back ttc again on cycle 8. I am feeling impatient and disappointed but not as obsessed as I used to be, there is definitely a lot more calm this time around. Mainly because I realised that I missed out on so much in 3 years of my lifetime by obsessing re ttc, stressing in the 2ww and wishing my life away to find out if I was pregnant each month. I know how hard it is and that it’s easier said that done to just relax and get healthy distractions but it honestly works. Perhaps some reflexology might help for both fertility and relaxation? Can I ask your age? It can just take a bit longer depending on age but not always. Ans miracles happen every day! Believe and stay positive it will happen when the time is right abs unfortunately we don’t get to choose when that time is. Send positive thoughts your way best of luck I hope the wait will soon be over 🙏

@Loladoodle hey, thanks so much for replying :)
I'm so sorry that you have had to go through the same feelings, and the same loss. It is immeasurable and so hard to explain. I can completely understand.

I am so glad that you've finally got your miracle! 🌈✨

Yes - I'm 24. I'm not very old in the grand scheme of things but just sad I've had to go through all of this already! Xx

@testaftertest I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way, I really am.
I can totally sympathise, we were ttc for around 8/9 months, was delighted when we fell pregnant, but sadly lost the baby at 11 weeks with a MMC. That was back in May and my due date is rolling around this month and the birth of my godchild too, due at the same time. This month I’m particularly bitter and cranky and I figure that’s ok!
It is so incredibly hard.
What I found helped before going back into lockdown was making sure I had something to look forward to each weekend - Shopping with my sister, dinner out with hubby, brunch with the girls, cinema etc etc. It just gave me that little thing to push through to and forget the frustration. I really recommend it.
Whilst at the moment that’s practically impossible (if you’re in England), you could take your precious pups on gorgeous walks/parks you’ve never been before. Set up a ‘date’ night where you and partner get dressed up like you were going out for dinner, set the table nice, candles etc.

There really is no ‘manual’ for this and you need to to what’s best for you. It’s also ok to feel down when you see/hear people’s pregnancies and be pleased for them at the same time. You will absolutely get your baby and when you do, this frustration will all go away xx

@Carefree1 thank you so much for replying. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, and I can only imagine the pain now that the due date is coming up. Why is life so cruel? 😔

It's such a pain being in Lockdown. I would usually be working as I'm a key worker but I'm on annual leave at the moment so I'm literally shut in the house 😂🤦‍♀️ I'm definitely going to give the date nights a try, although it's at home it's still something different and something to look forward to.
The dogs are life savers. I will try and find somewhere new to take them! Thank you so much for your ideas.

I really hope that we will get our BFP's and rainbow babies super soon. ✨🌈🥰

Hi OP I'm sorry you are hurting.

I'm over 10 years older than you and so I would say you have the pain and grief of course, but don't need to also be swallowed up by panic.

I had a missed miscarriage if you know what that is at 13 weeks in the summer and am now 2 weeks into my second go. I had been trying for nearly 2 years and it was my first pregnancy. I'm still sad but so much better now thanks to support and throwing myself into a new job. No longer in trauma mode if you see what I mean.

My advice is - talk to anyone who will listen and get it

• read about positive outcomes on the Miscarriage Association website
• keep trying to focus on what you can control such as how you are coping with stress, vitamins, acupuncture etc.

-be kind to yourself as it's crap!

@Flittingaboutagain sorry that you've had such an awful experience. It's traumatic, although like you say I suppose I don't need to worry yet. I do have medicated anxiety so it's sadly within my nature to worry no end 🙈 but I will certainly try not to. Xx
I'm looking into something I can do (lockdown permitting) to take my mind off this for a while.
We will still continue TTC - but I just feel I need a hobby or something to keep my occupied.

Xx