Fertility issues- husband isn’t ready

[TM20]

So, I have endometriosis and a pituitary tumour which both cause infertility and have been told my by doctor I am infertile. My specialist advised us to start trying to maximise my chances of being able to have a baby. My husband has always been supportive and has said he is prepared to have a baby early than he planned because he knows my situation is difficult. However we have been ‘trying’ for 6 months, i say it like that because it’s mostly me. I feel as if I am going behind his back trying to get pregnant? I feel so lonely because i know deep down he doesn’t want one yet but he’s compromising for me. However how he feels is as valid as me, I don’t want to push him into something at the same time I can’t bear waiting any longer to try because I don’t know how long it can take. Because of my conditions I was told if nothing had happened in 6 months to go back and start some more treatments (already on a drug to help ovulate) but I’m scared that will cause a wedge because I believe you both have to want it so badly to put yourselves though fertility treatment. It’s testing as it is let alone if one of you is 50%. He said waiting a year before he would ideally want to be pregnant but it could take that long and I’m so scared if I keep leaving it I’m creating more chance of it not happening. I keep bringing it up because I don’t want to ignore the problem but he doesn’t like the conversation. I know if I fell pregnant he would be happy but I don’t think he would be 100% still and I get concerned he could resent me in years to come. I just don’t know where I stand with it all 🤷🏼‍♀️ Being a mum was the only thing I ever wanted and it’s making me depressed, everytime I get a period I’m heartbroken but feel I can’t tell him.

@TM20 I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I dont have any magic words, but just to say it is so important you get the support you need. If being a mum is your dream then you have to follow that dream and give it your all. Men are no good at these things, but it doesn't mean they don't feel the same. They just can't deal with emotions well. Maybe try writing him short letter instead of trying to bring up in conversation. Then you can be totally honest and take your time to collect your thoughts ❤

@TM20 I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I dont have any magic words, but just to say it is so important you get the support you need. If being a mum is your dream then you have to follow that dream and give it your all. Men are no good at these things, but it doesn't mean they don't feel the same. They just can't deal with emotions well. Maybe try writing him short letter instead of trying to bring up in conversation. Then you can be totally honest and take your time to collect your thoughts ❤

@AMS19 thank you so so much for your kind words, that’s definitely what I needed to hear this evening. I will definitely give the letter a go I think that’s a great idea☺️ Just don’t want to feel this loneliness anymore ♥️

You are absolutely not alone! There will be so many women feeling exactly like you do. I bet your husband is struggling way more than you know. We are all here behind you too. Everyone on here is rooting for each other, including you. You've got this x

@TM20

Take a look at this:

www.instagram.com/p/CHFbrMlhk1CMTqvqIiKdXq6KbNKN2dbOMfn6lA0/?igshid=1r5gxwikaqu5t

It is someone I follow on Instagram and thought it might help you to see you are not alone ❤

@AMS19 thank you so so much 🥺 I bet he is too, I want him to know how he feels is as important as me. That’s why it’s so upsetting. Thank you for the insta link, i find instagram a great platform. Thank you again ♥️

Sorry you have had these health troubles.

However we have been ‘trying’ for 6 months, i say it like that because it’s mostly me. I feel as if I am going behind his back trying to get pregnant?

What do you mean by this? Aren't you having consensual unprotected sex with each other?

@Palavah Ahh sorry I might not have worded that correctly. Yes we are both consensually having unprotected sex, however he is very laid back about the situation and I am feeling quite alone and want to start doing more to try, I would say we have been casually tying, he says ‘see what happens’ and I’m struggling with that mentally because every month it’s getting harder and feel a little unsupported.

@TM20 I am sorry you are feeling this way. How old are you, how old is your Dh and how long have you been together/married?

I think it can be difficult when something as life changing as having a baby is dictated by the medical profession timetable rather than when you choose it. Been there, done that, also endometriosis.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom I am 23 however my partner is 29. Still rather young but have been advised if we don’t start trying now I may miss my chance because of both conditions. It is so difficult when it’s added pressure from a medical professional. I have been ready to be a mum for a very long time, always have been maternal but being told this might be your only chance just changes things. We have been together for 4 years and we actually got married during Covid. So it’s a lot to take on for both myself and my partner hence why I am feeling this way.

We have been home owners for 3 years, are financial stable, have travelled so it’s not necessarily that I think it’s the pressure from changed plans. I secretly hoped I would prove my doctors wrong and just get pregnant naturally with casually trying.. that hasn’t happened. Still yearly days but have been told if it hasn’t happened by 6 months I need medical interference which I’m worried will effect us as a couple.

Wishing you all the best. I'm a little confused why your dr is telling you to try if he's said you're infertile?

@1940s because you have to go through the motions to get any further fertility treatment, just because medical profession says you can't have children doesn't mean you actually can't unless you don't have a womb.

My friend didn't even have periods and was told she could never have children which is how she ended up pregnant by a man she would never choose as a potential partner or father for her child.

@TM20 what drug are you on for ovulation? Are you doing any ovulation testing?

@1940s yes, you can be infertile and still get pregnant but normally only by medical interference. That’s why instead of the usual 12 month wait before seeking help I have 6 months before I need to seek help due to my health issues.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom I am on Cabergoline, it lowers prolactin to increase ovulation. I have a tumour on my pituitary gland that increases my prolactin in my blood so high I can’t ovulate (I never had until a few months ago) - I track my ovulation every month and have the clear blue digital which I personally find very good. My periods can be rather irregular which can be a pain to track.

@TM20 My periods can be rather irregular which can be a pain to track. totally relate.

Have they told you what medical interference as you call it they are looking at? Sometimes it is just Clomid to make you release more eggs to increase the chances. Are you staying propped up after sex to retain as much sperm as possible?

I didn't want to say but I went through a lot of meds for endo just to get it under control, then chemical menopause at 27 for 6 months, on HRT to counter the lack of oestrogen, then when that didn't work, laser laparoscopy and dye surgery and was told I would need IVF after they saw inside.

Told start trying for a baby now, in 6 months we will give you clomid then start the IVF route when you are 28. I was pregnant within 2 weeks. So much for you can't have children without IVF. So yeah, a fucking miracle.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom wow! Congratulations that is amazing!!!

Sorry I never know what to call it 😂 they haven’t specified, I was assuming clomid and then IVF as they said very similar to me. I was on the chemical induced menopause for almost 9 months in the end, it was awful. But it did work, i did feel relief from the endometriosis. I had my lap almost 2 years ago now, they said I would probably need excision surgery but trying my hardest to avoid another surgery. As a fellow endo sister you’ll
Probably understand the anxiety I’m getting everytime I have a period I’m convinced my endo is getting 100X worse and my chance gets smaller.

Yes staying propped up, very sexy eh!!!!

I’ve been on all sorts of hormone therapy! I imagine they expect what I’m on now to start getting regular ovulation, then clomid then IVF. I think we agreed last night (after many tears and frustrations) that we will continue what we are doing for now, in January if it hasn’t happened we will speak to my specialist and get a plan in place whatever that may be. To be honest with the UK lockdown it will be Jan before we could even consider getting the Dr’s involved anyway.

I really appreciate you taking the time oyt of your day to chat.

@TM20 well that positive pregnancy test is now a strapping 17 year old sixth former, I then went on to have another baby who is now a strapping 14 year old, both boys. I am officially the shortest person in the house. They pat me on the head. But I was ovulation testing to get pregnant with Ds2.

The endo means I can't work, not even part time due to the fatigue so I have been a SAHM for 16 years, hence why I have a lot of time in the day. I have an amazing husband. However, I am now pain free for the vast majority of the time, I'll take tired over pain any day. I am not taking any meds regularly. It means on bad days I have a TENs machine on and I can just rest. Listen to my body, when it is tired, I sleep.

It is easy for this to define who you are, but you are so much more than your endo. Stress actually makes it worse. So take time to relax, meditate and find something that you can laugh at, hopefully together. I completely understand your anxiety. Try to enjoy the process of trying to get pregnant and take it one step at a time. This is just the beginning, it may mean more medical intervention, it may mean a pregnancy. But this is a journey. Don't forget to enjoy the view on the way to your destination. I know it sounds trite but I am now mid 40s, I have the luxury of hindsight and experience.

@OnTheBenchOfDoom oh wow, what a miracle. It’s so lovely to hear stories like that.
I’m so so sorry to hear that. It really is an awful disease. Yeah I agree, tired over pain! I can’t say I had any luck with the tens machine!🙄
You have been through so much by the sounds of it ♥️

It does indeed, I think I just need to take a step back, enjoy the rest of the year and take some time for myself.
Thank you so much for such kind words and wisdom, it has made me feel so much better. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Thank you.

@TM20 you're welcome. It was a hell of a few years of complete shit. It feels like forever when you are in the middle of it though. I actually came to the end of what they could do for me. My only options left were Danazol which can leave you with permanent facial hair, no thanks, or cut the ligaments holding my womb in place to alleviate the pain from all the scar tissue and cysts. So more surgery. Luckily the pregnancy happened so it turned out well in the end. 😁

I know it is hard but try not to make it all you ever talk about to your DH. Make other plans, talk about other things. And good luck.