Dad at 48 too old?

[Missitchyfeet]

Hi, I am nearly 37, my husband is 47 and we have 2 kids, age 2.5 and 5. I have always secretly hoped for a third but DH has always wanted 2. I recently bought it up and he is open to discussing it again in couple of months (although he has the same concerns). I never expected him to even consider it bit now it is a possibility I am starting to doubt whether ibid s good idea myself. After thinking about it a lot I have realised my only concern.. but it is a big one..is his age. Our jar child was born when he was nearly 45 and I didn't think twice but somehow now he is in late 40's (epulf be 48 when baby was born if we conceived quickly) in my head I somehow wonder if we are too late. It is not the next few years that concern me but the fact he would be elderly when the child is still a young adult. I worry about the fact that illnesses are more likely etc and wonder if it is unfair to have another. I have also read a lot recently about the many health risks to the baby from having an older father. We are happy now, and I worry about ruining what we have,, but at your sane time, I still feel like I am not quite finished with having babies. Do women always feel like this as they approach the end of their fertile years? Is anyone out there the child of an older father? Did anyone manage to get over the yearn for a third and make peace with their decision to stick to two? I would be interested to hear experiences and views as I feel really confused. I also feel under pressure for us to make a decision quickly as I really so feel it is now or never.

I’m pregnant - I’m 41, husband will be 49 by the time the baby is born. My parents had me in their early 20s. Neither made it to 60. There are no guarantees in Iife either way.

I'm very far off that age but a relative of mine recently fathered a baby at nearly 60! There's really no age limit on parenthood as long as you can cope with the physical demands. Your DC will love you regardless.

Well, my DH will be 50 when our baby is born next year and I’m 40. I think it’s up to the individual couple. I understand your concerns, we had them too. The main thing is you both have to agree on wanting a baby so communication is key.

My dad had me at twenty-something, his second child at fourty-something and his third at fifty-something. His youngest is still a toddler, but dad’s health recently took a big hit. I can’t even begin to write down all of the worry I now feel for his youngest.
I don’t mean to sound negative, just to say that I completely understand where your concern is coming from...

My parents had me in their 40s. My Mum was very poorly and I watched her go in and out of hospital throughout my teen years. I was 20 when she developed cancer and 22 when she passed away. It was then 9 months later when my Dad developed cancer. Luckily he beat it and is in remission 5 years later. I definitely had to grown up a lot faster than those around me. My experience influenced me greatly as I knew I didn't want to be 'older' when I had kids. I've just had my first child at 28 and it's upsetting that he won't know his Nanny and I don't have her here for guidance.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life though. Anyone can get sick at any point in their lives, age doesn't always come into it. But for me, I know that I want to avoid the possibility of my kids experiencing anything similar as much as possible.

I think it’s very individual. A close friend of mine confided that having kids in his 40s is much harder than he expected and he regrets not having them when he was younger. For me I can’t get my head around having teens in my 60s. The generation gap seems too huge but having said that I know people who have older parents and it’s just fine.

My dad turned 49 the year I was born. He was quite frankly the best dad ever (not just my opinion but the opinion of local children and friends) someone stopped me in a post office once and checked I was his child and then said they always remember how lovely he was when they knocked on the door at halloween, bonfire night or Christmas. He had lived his life to the full and was ready to devote his life to us.
I did get fiercely protective over his age, people would think he was my grandad, as a teenager peers would comment, and I was even from a very young age aware he might die. He is 89 now still going but riddled with dementia. My heart breaks for him. I wish Covid would end so I could send time with him.

My dad was 50 when I was born and was a fabulous person who I looked up to and was always there for me as a teenager ( he retired when I was 13, so we had a lot of time together)
Never thought of his age, only that we had a very comfortable life and that I was loved
Sadly he died 2 days before my 21st , so never saw me graduate, succeed in my career , marry or see his grandchildren

Thank you all, it is good to hear your views. I honestly think the sensible option would be for us to quit now while we are ahead and have 2 lovely children, just wish I could get the idea of another out of my head and get on with things.

Glad to read about older dads on here, my DH is 10 years older than me at 43 and I'm worried it'll be harder to get pregnant this time because of his age!

ILookAtTheFloor I wouldn't worry, we had no problems when DH was that age. I hope everything goes well for you.

Does anytime know if we were to.go ahead, are there any kinds of tests by husband could have, to check the quality of sperm etc? One of our worries is the recent studies that show how much birth defects, autism and various other things increase in offspring from older fathers. I just wondered if there was any kind of test to reassure us or make us think again?

There isn't a chromosomal prenatal test for autism so you wouldn't know until the child was older. You could have karyotyping via a blood test on him but they tend to look for specific genetic issues not ones associated with age. You could do IVF with PGS but it's not totally accurate

As to the age point - there is 40 years between DH and his dad. They have virtually no relationship due to the age gap - it's like he's is grandad now that DH is 40 rather than his father.

Very personal decision but I completely understand your concerns. I’m 32 and DP will be 44 when our 3rd baby is born. There’s a 10 year age gap from our other two but we are in a better place in every other aspect than we ever were with our others. A lot of older parents are more secure financially and emotionally therefore have much more to offer children in terms of stability and experience. My age was a deciding factor for us as I’m much younger but we are both aware that he will be in his 60’s before our youngest will reach adulthood. A part of me thinks we should have tried earlier but we just wasn’t in a position to so it was either now or making the huge decision to say no more children which I just couldn’t accept as I know I would have huge regrets being in my early 40’s and both children grown up.

When we had our second child I was 38 and my husband was 49. Ideally I would have liked a third child, but we decided to stop at two (which was my husband's preference). There were a number of reasons for that, but our ages were definitely a major factor.

Fifthtimelucky thank you How old are you children now if you don't mind me asking? Are things working out well for you all?

I am not a fan of older fathers. It is not fair on the kids to have a dad who physically will be much less likely to keep up with a lively toddler and who might struggle to connect/cope with with a grumpy teenager. Not to mention that you are saddling young adults with an elderly parent...so no.

My father was in his 40s when I was born and very set in his ways/old fashioned. We hardly did any kind of family activity together when I was a kid. His health was really poor by the time I was a teen. We never developed any kind of close relationship. I think the age gap had a lot to do with it.

Following as I'm in the exact same situation, same ages. Part of me thinks a 49 year old with a newborn is just ridiculous. The dc would be just 21 with a 70 year old father... My parents aren't even 70 now and they already seem really old.

On the other hand, we already have 2 dc. Seems silly to worry about the age now when it didn't stop me before.

My DH was in his 40s when our DC were born. He is closest to the youngest (10) as they do sport together.(DH was 48 when DS was born) He has less patience than I do when teen DD doesnt get dressed til midday or doesnt want to do things with us when we're on holiday. Also he still feels he will have to work full time for another 8 years until the youngest has finished school whereas some of his peers are retired or semi retired by now.

That's a tough thing though Requinblanc because it's not like he could have had you younger instead. The alternative is not existing. However I do get what you are saying about lack of energy and generation gap.

@Requinblanc that’s a really good point of view practically. I do agree that it’s unfair to saddle young adults with caring responsibilities. I only watched a documentary this week where there are many children, some as young as 3, caring for parents with mental illnesses and disabilities. Equally, many of working age are increasingly being forced to leave work to care for their elderly parents, in laws and grandchildren.

I completely understand all of your varying view points which is why it is such a tough decision. FlyNow it is nice to hear of someone in a similar position. All my grounds partners are a similar age to them and most have had 3 kids without really having to think twice as finished now and still in mid-life 30s. My partner has always been very young in his mind set so I am not worried at all about the next few years. I guess I just worry about the next 30 years. My parents too are not yet 70 (mum 68 and Dad 65). Both are sprightly and working and I cannot imagine them not being around. I still feel so young myself too though (although I know in terms of baby making years officially I am mow old lol!)