Not really sure what I'm looking for, some reassurance I suppose? Experiences? I think I just need to vent.
Yesterday I started CD1 of cycle 15, I got my implant out end of September 2019 and I'm still not pregnant, not even a chemical or anything at all. I'm terrified and just really struggling.
I feel like I've somehow destroyed my body because my cycles have been all kinds of messed up for the last year. I used to get painful periods, lots of cramps for the first 2 days, very heavy, and my periods used to last about 5 days. Pretty normal. Since I came off the implant, I get virtually no period cramps, maybe a few on day 1, and I'm very light bar a few clots and it often lasts around 2 days. I have incredibly painful ovulation, like stabbing pains and insane pressure on the ovary, usually alternating ovaries every month. I can barely stand when it's bad, but it normally only lasts 12 hours or so. I called the doctors after a particularly bad episode in April and they said because of covid they can't refer me to gynae. I'm going to call back again soon to see if they can see me yet.
We had to take a 3 month break from March because of how badly my mental health was affected, even then. I mostly ignore the way I feel now but sometimes it really gets to me.
I feel even worse because I actually had a termination in February 2019, and I feel like that was my chance and I've missed it. I know it's my fault and I don't get to be upset about that because it was my choice, but I found it so traumatising that I'm actually fairly sure I have mild PTSD from it, which makes it even harder when I get my period every month. I get flashbacks sometimes.
To make matters even worse my sister is now a few months pregnant, her and her husband have a few times laughed about how easy it was to get pregnant, it happened straight away for them. No one knows we've been TTC so I can't blame her and I want to be happy for her, it just feels like a knife in my stomach every time I see her or hear from her. Unfortunately she tells my mam and I about virtually every tiny thing that happens, and she keeps sending pictures of all the baby stuff she's already bought, etc. Probably irrational but now I almost don't want to get pregnant because in my family ill be seen as copying her and no one will care about it as much as they care about her being pregnant. I especially don't want to be pregnant at the same time as she is, but then I also think I should get over myself and get on with my life.
But clearly, after this long, it's probably not meant to be. We should just give up shouldn't we? I'm sorry if you've read all this, I just had to get it out somewhere.