Why do I feel like this..?! :(

[automam]

Hi all..

Please tell me that this is normal... so here's the back story.

My partner and I have been TTC for 2 months so understandably not very long at all! But have both been wanting children for many years, and decided to TTC now since the time suits us both perfectly.

Last month, 1st time TTC; I sadly experienced a chemical pregnancy which shattered our worlds.. I know it was early on, but the fact that I saw that positive test and felt like our worlds were going to change forever was amazing. Sadly it obviously wasn't meant to be ☹️💔

Fast forward to now, cycle day 13. I'm feeling super happy, content and just taking each day in my stride.
When it comes to the thought of trying again, I feel terrified, and almost shut the idea down like I don't really care. But I do. So much!

We want a baby more than anything in this world. We are so ready.. so why am I feeling this way?! I'm not actively tracking ovulation like before, not analysing my CM like before.. it's almost like I'm just not trying.. and it upsets me to think about!
I don't understand why, each time I try to snap myself back into the reality of TTC and this being what we want, I feel numb..

Please don't comment saying that we aren't ready, as we totally are. It's just that I can't seem to shake this awful feeling of numbness and coldness to TTC. It's horrible.

I don't know what to do😔

Sorry to hear about your CP.

It sounds like you are just protecting yourself tbh, completely natural. I have battled with simultaneously being desperate to get pregnant while also being terrified of a positive result

@Daffodil21 it's okay, thank you lovely.

I wonder if that's what it is. I don't know. It feels like I'm battling myself, too.
I want this so bad, financially and emotionally we are so ready to welcome a little one into our lives. I daydream about the day I find out I'm pregnant.. the things we'll buy and doing up the nursery.
But then it feels like a wave of numb-ness hits me and I don't want to TTC, or I'm not overly fussed by the idea of trying to get pregnant. Even though I know we want this more than ever.

It's odd, I can't really explain it x

You had a really rough start too. You didn't really have time to get you're around the idea before jumping straight on the roller coaster. It's a lot to deal with in a short space of time so don't be so hard on yourself. Also remember that there's no harm in skipping a month here and there if it's all getting too much.

TTC is all consuming, no matter how much we tell ourselves we won't let it be!

@Daffodil21 thank you.
I think I'm going to just continue as usual, and see what happens. There was so much anticipation during the fertile window and TWW last cycle that it was almost consuming my entire life, it was all I could think about. Symptom spotting etc was all I did.
This time I want to be more relaxed.. I'm hoping that by taking a step back and letting nature take its course, maybe it will be better x

Good luck! I hate the tww, I genuinely feel like I go a little crazy in the second week! This month I ditched the OPKs, didn't track (but had a rough idea), didn't plan dtd, and finally we got lucky. No guarantee this one will stick so taking each day as it comes, but it just goes to show that you don't have to do everything 'by the book' all the time. I had a little trip planned for next month so I just thought what will he will be (as I wanted to do the little trip) and we left it 3 days between dtd twice during my suspected FW, so don't worry too much about that side of things, as long as you're dtd 2-3 times a week you should be covered. Good luck!