TTC but overwhelmed with anxiety!!

[meganlea]

Hi all,

I’m new to mums net and would like to ask for advice from everyone possible out there!!

I am finally ready to have a baby I know deep down it’s what I want I’m 24, DH is 30, we’ve been together 5 years, married 18 months, have a mortgage and a dog together for over 3 years, both financially stable and we’re ready for the next step.

However, I am so overwhelmed now we’ve had the conversation to start TTC, last night should have been our first night of trying but I felt so sick with anxiety, I was shaking and I just wanted to cry.

Now, a little bit of back story, my sister who is a couple years older than me, was pregnant and due May 2017 with a baby girl, she carried to almost full term and was told in the last couple of weeks that they couldn’t find a heart beat and it was absolutely tragic and she had to give birth to my niece knowing she wasn’t coming out alive. We were all there to support my sister and her partner and we met my niece and held her and said our good byes and I think this is the source of my anxiety. It was a traumatic time for us all especially my sister and I was there through it all and it doesn’t help I’ve had anxiety, that I’ve been able to manage myself without doctors or medication since school. My sister went on to have another pregnancy and now has a little boy.

I really do want a baby I am just so fearful of trying and getting a positive pregnancy test and if I’m like this now, how will I be for a full 9 months. After 2017 I told my Husband I wasn’t ready for a family (he was) and I had a list as long as my arm about the reasons not to. But deep down I knew I just didn’t want to go through what I’d just been through again. It’s been 3 years now and my Husband had settled for the fact we may never have kids and chose to stay with me and love me anyway, which I thought would be a deal breaker. So for the past few months after my change of heart I have kept it quiet from him, I wanted to be sure that this is what I want and I didn’t want to tell him I want a family and then change my mind again because it’s not fair to mess with his head like that.

I need your help. Is this normal to feel this way? I feel ready for a family but not ready for pregnancy and giving birth. How can I work on training my mind to be at ease with this. I know I’m not going to enjoy pregnancy like normal people do but I at least just want to be calm about it. If I can’t get over this fear and anxiousness it will get in the way of me getting what I really want, a child. For all I know we may not be able to conceive as we’ve never tried before but I at least want to try and I fear my anxiety is going to kill our sex life and prevent me even trying.

Please help or give me advice. If you have any questions about anything I’ve said also please let me know.

Hi! Firstly, so sorry to hear about what happened to your sister, that is awful 😔
As someone who suffered with anxiety for many years before getting help, I think it would be really beneficial for you to speak to a professional about how you are feeling. I think it’s normal to have nerves going into such a massive life change, but before starting ttc you need to be in a good headspace to be able to tackle the emotional upheaval of trying, then pregnancy itself with all the hormone changes and physical symptoms etc, and then of course, having another person to look after.
At 24 you have plenty of time to get yourself into the best position before starting ttc, and hopefully your husband will support you in that.
If I were in your position, I would take a few months to speak to a therapist (privately if you can afford it as nhs waiting lists are long), see how it goes, and then assess how you are feeling. Medication is also an option if you suffer from chronic anxiety. I’ve personally had a very good experience with ADs but of course it’s best to take advice from your doctor on that.

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and you are having a hard time processing the trauma caused by the loss of your niece. Remember, you need to look after yourself first and then you will be an even more wonderful mummy for it :) don’t rush in if you don’t feel ready quite yet!

Recommend watching some YouTube vloggers’ pregnancy and birth content to familiarise yourself with the process and what it all entails, it’s good to hear from ‘real’ people who are honest about what they’re going through!

Good luck! X

That must be difficult, it's understandable for you to feel that way 💜

Firstly, yes it probably

Pressed wrong button 😂

It probably will affect your sex life from what you've described. My partner and I have found things difficult while trying not to think about it all. It's lots of pressure!

Me and my partner do much better when we talk about things though, we have a tendency to bottle things up.

I would also recommend looking at therapists if you can afford it or there are lots of good books to have a try yourself. I used to see a therapist and she was great. Nothing to do with babies really but she helped me totally turn my life around.

Try to focus on the end result, and enjoy everything you already have in the meantime!

Thank you so much for responding.

Yes, it is definitely a lot of pressure, I have spoken to my Husband and he says he is happy either way and there's no rush and just go at my own pace with it.

I've never really thought of it as 'chronic' anxiety before but I guess it could be, I get exactly the same way whenever there's a big change in my life, whether it's a job interview, moving house or when I got my first car and started driving. So I know that eventually it will all be okay I just need to soldier on and push myself or I'll never make a change or have a family. I know having a baby is a little different from getting your first car but I went through the same symptoms, doubting myself, panicking, shaking, getting upset, panic attacks and that sometimes is a barrier for me to be able to do what I want. I very nearly sold my car shortly after buying it. I drove for a few weeks and ended up buying a bus pass after stalling and being yelled at by the person behind me, lol! I gave it a few weeks and tried again and it's been a year and a half and I am so confident now nothing scares me on the road. I just need to face my fears head on and having a baby is a real fear of mine but it is something I really want. My anxiety stopped me from having a wedding as again, I 'froze' when it came to planning and so instead me and my DH took a friend each to the registry office.

I think I am going to take your advice @Tryingandhoping2020 @Originalusername6432762and see a therapist to help me through this and not rush anything. I know in my heart I'm ready but my body will not physically allow me to do what I want to do because it's anxious and fearful of this change. I hate how my brain thinks!! But hopefully after seeing someone it will get me in the right mind set. I'd hate to not enjoy and embrace my pregnancy and I don't want to look back and think I missed out on a good pregnancy because I couldn't settle my mind.

I can totally empathise with the symptoms you describe. I always thought anxiety was something I would just have to live with, never fully enjoying exciting changes in my life, but it turns out that it is possible to improve with the right treatment and support! Good luck @meganlea, you’ve got this! X

@meganlea
There's no rush, you've got plenty of time, maybe if you relax and try to go with the flow.

Don't think that some things are ok to have anxiety about and some aren't though. It's your anxiety and it is what it is. If you get anxiety about choosing what to eat for dinner it doesn't make it any less than being anxious about a life changing event. But do remember that most of anxiety is what hasn't happened and most likely won't happen. Think about something you were anxious about in the past. Why did you feel anxious, what did you think might go wrong? Then think about what actually happened and how you felt when you achieved/got through it.

I wish I could do this myself!! 😂
Sometimes it helps to think about what you would say to a friend.

Thank you @Tryingandhoping2020!!

@Originalusername6432762 Yes I'm definitely just going to go with the flow, put it to the back of my mind if I can and just let it happen. I've calmed down a lot since last night/this morning thanks to you guys and you're so good at advice. You're right!! All those times I've been anxious before and it's turned out completely fine I need to remember to put things into perspective rather than letting the moment eat me up.
Haha I know what you mean about that, I give the best advice to my friends and family but don't tend to listen to it myself. You just get lost in your own your own thoughts don't you and it's so important to talk about how you're feeling and not bottling it up which I need to do so I think therapy (and this forum, ha!) will be a great help on my journey.