Older Parents - Selfish?

[uglyface]

The above, really. DP (49) and I (34) have just suffered a loss through IVF and I’m having a crisis of confidence as to whether to try again or donate our remaining six frozen embryos to other, younger couples.

DP and I have been together since I was 21. It was an instant love thing, we tried to stay apart but couldn’t bear it. He’s always been ambivalent about children whereas I knew I wanted them but needed to get my career off the ground first. Long story short, we aimed to start a family in my mid 20s but ended up having DD22mo when I was 32 after a long battle with (my) infertility. We planned to have another ASAP afterwards due to DP’s age but Covid hit and then our loss, which devastated me.

The idea of DD being an only guts me. DP and I are solid as a rock, make a great parenting team, she has grandparents, aunts and uncles who adore her and we have excellent childcare in the form of DP’s parents who have her all week while we work. We are financially stable and will be long term thanks to family money on my side. DP is fit, healthy, very involved and comes from a family of long livers. My job (teacher) means that we get to spend long holidays together. In our area it is the norm for parents to be in their late 30s and 40s when having children - friends of ours who adopted are mid 40s and have three under 4. Other friends are mid 40s (her) and 50s (him) and waiting to be matched with a child to adopt.

On the other hand, I am getting this nagging feeling that our infertility and loss was nature’s way of telling us that we should be happy with our precious daughter and it would be selfish to push for more given DP’s age.

DP thinks we should leave it to fate and use all of the embryos so that we don’t have any regrets in the future, and that I’m just reacting to the loss. He also points out that there were 14 years between my dad and stepmum (and my youngest sister born when my dad was 45) and we lost my stepmum to cancer in her 40s while my dad regularly cycles 100 miles a day at age 67, so to him (DP) age is just a number.

I’d really love some opinions on the matter, even if it’s just to tell me that this was the longest and most boring post ever....

You're a very average age for a dc2 at 34, so you're not both older parents. That and tbh the family money, (if its enough to mean your DH won't need to choose between working into his 70s or leaving you potentially as sole earner to support or fail to support a child of 19 or 20 in their first or second year of university) does make a difference.

You've got a very young child as it is, so in for a penny, in for a pound - in all honesty a dc2 in a year's time isn't much different to the toddler you already have. The ship's sailed on worrying about his age really, as long as you're not trying for dc5 in ten year's time!

Sorry for your loss

Thank you for replying - we did originally say our cut off was when I was 30, but we were so close at that point to conceiving that we carried on and ended up on that path until we had DD. I feel selfish now for not stopping back then, but now she’s here i feel like she should have a sibling so they can support each other.

Huh? 34 is a perfectly normal age to be having a baby!! Somewhat young even these days for baby no 2 in my experience.

Good God, you're not old. I had my first at 35, second at 37 and third at 40. Where I live, this is completely normal.

34 is average age for you. Yes your DH is older and yes it could impact on a child (FIL was 40 when DH was born and they have zero relationship because they are just generationally too far apart) but I'd still be inclined to transfer the remaining embryos you have.

Sorry for your loss. I think you need to take time to grieve and get your head around what has happened and only then allow yourself to think about what happens next. I think your thoughts reflect your recent loss and processing this (all completely normal). You don't need to decide this yet but you are absolutely not too old

So sorry for your loss. I’d be trying all of those chances.

We had our first when i was 32 and DP was 44
Second when i was 34 and DP was 46
Third when i was 35 and DP was 47

We also had a loss before our first and after our first. I dont think you are too old for baby number 2 but i do think you need to give yourself time to grieve the baby youve just lost x

Thank you all for reading and responding. I agree that I might not be too old, but it’s DP’s age that worries me and whether I’ve been selfish by wasting away time on my career when we should have been starting our family earlier.

DP says that he honestly forgets his age, and considers he and I a similar age because we’ve been together so long and going through the same stages of life together (he had just been cheated on when I met him, in a seven year relationship that was heading for children etc, so he had to start again). He also says that given the choice of not having had our time together in favour of a more age appropriate family, it’s no contest and he’d choose me every time.

I don’t know, I’m crying as I write this but also grateful that there are others out there who don’t think I am completely selfish.

You've got a very young child as it is, so in for a penny, in for a pound - in all honesty a dc2 in a year's time isn't much different to the toddler you already have. The ship's sailed on worrying about his age really

Yep I agree with this. You've made the decision that it's fine to have kids with an older man (I've made the same decision btw so I don't mean that in a judgemental way). So go ahead and have the family you want.

Is it 100% ideal? No, but it's just life. Thats how I look at it. Think of the situations so many people are born in to - war, starvation, abuse, poverty, illness. If my dcs biggest problem in life is an older father, they've got it pretty good.

I had my first at 34; in no way are you old. It makes a mockery of even older mums to suggest you are. I'll be at least 38 if and when I have a second.

@RaisinGhost This is definitely on the pro side of trying again - we think we’re pretty good parents, and can give our child(ren) a great life, in the grand scheme of things.

@turnthebiglightoff It’s my DP’s age I’m worried about, not mine.

I was almost 35 having first and 36 having second and I didn't feel too old. Your dh is on the old side but as a pp said in for a penny! He isn't much older than he was the first time.

I’m glad you’ve clarified that it’s your DPs age that’s the issue and not yours. I was actually quite upset and hurt to initially read that you thought it was selfish of a 34 year old to have a baby and that the cut off should be 30.

You are not too old by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, there is no issue at all with your age and all this prioritising your career over starting a family business that you are guilt tripping yourself with is absolute nonsense. Nobody I know amongst my peers planned children prior to 29/30 and 34 was bang on for having children. In terms of your partner’s age, if it was thought to be fine for your existing child, what’s the difference really now other than 2 years? A father of 47 or 48 as opposed to one of 49 or 50...I doubt the siblings would find it much of a difference in all honesty.

In terms of egg/sperm quality your frozen embryos are younger than both of you so that’s a huge plus. I really wouldn’t hesitate in going ahead with this for a second.

I'm 32 and DP is 51. We have a 21 month old and I'm 13 weeks with our second. Originally we were only having one, with DPs age being the major factor. But an unexpected pregnancy earlier in the year, which unfortunately ended in mmc made us change our mind, and I realised how much I wanted a sibling for my daughter. If I'm honest age does bother me (his not mine) and I know he's concerned about having the energy for two, but I know we'll make it work. It's a really personal decision, and while his age is a factor, it's not an immediate no in my eyes.

No, I don't think it's selfish. Generally speaking I disagree with that concept. In your case in particular, you are young and your DH already has a DD aged two, so what difference does it make that he's going to be 3-4 year older when her brother/sister will arrive? If anything it's great that the two siblings will be able to support each other while their parents will age.

You’re pretty young- I had my first at 38. I would go for it if you are happy to do so.

My dad was 48 when my brother was born. I would say that he enjoyed him more than he enjoyed me and my older siblings. There's nothing selfish about it. Use the embryos, your partner is right that you'll likely regret not trying.

Thank you all, this is food for thought and helpful to know that I’m not the only one with an age gap making this decision.