Help - should I give up on having kids?

[Ratcliffe01]

Hi mumsnet,

Please help.

I'm in desperate need of someone to talk to about my situation. Which really boils down to the classic Q: should we have kids or not?

I'm fed up with everything I read online regarding this focussing on people "choosing a life of freedom and cocktails over parenting", which isn't the bit I struggle with at all (as a childless woman, I know this existence is a myth).

I'm 33, 5 years married, have a decent job and think about this every day. But I never seem to get any closer to an answer. For context, my husband would love kids - but wouldn't dream of pushing me into parenthood unless I was 100% convinced (for the sake of the kids and our marriage). He's spoken of adoption, which is something I wouldn't rule out in future - but I'm conscious is incredibly difficult and heartbreaking.

So here's the rest of my story...

I do know I want a family. I want kids. I want dependents and closeness and longevity and adventures. That's the future I dream of.

So what's the problem?

The key issue is, I just don't get mushy atthe thought of a baby. I don't see a baby andwant one. Not like I wanted pets (trust me, I'm aware how ridiculous thatsounds). I wish I looked at a baby and thought 'oh how scrummy!' like my friends and colleagues. Then it would all just be so simple. But thatache, that need just simply isn't there.

It's not about reconciling my lifestyle (I'm already a granny in terms of my behaviour) or loss of my freedoms (they already feel curtailed) or even the impact it'll have on my career (I know plenty of successful women with kids).I just don't feel the burning desire I feel I should.

In the search for the reason behind this, I let other stuff creep in. I don't want to inflict this world on a human I know (if it shares my genetics) is likely to struggle with it. There's no doubt they'll be depressed. There's no doubt they'll struggle with themselves. Plus this world can be a shitty place (not the natural world, but the manmade, political dystopia we live in). And the population really, really doesn't need to grow.

But if I'm honest, having a baby feels doubly selfish in my case - because I'd just be 'chancing it' on the likelihood it'll all be fine (knowing we would provide a loving, balanced, supportive environment for a kid to grow up in and banking on the fact I'd develop really strong love for them once they were born).

Please, please help me think this all through. As mothers, you are all women I look up to and respect. And as a couple, we have so much love to give. I'm so desperate to escape doing circles in this limbo.

Thank you for any mumsnet wisdom in advance.

Rx

Hi @Ratcliffe01 I can certainly sympathise with some of your anxieties... I have never been particularly motherly and although I spent years working in the toy industry and I have a riot with my nieces I have never longed to have a baby... in fact, i'm currently TTC, but I still cant imagine life with a push chair! I'm looking forward to the days of visiting science museums, building lego castles and planning adventures.

I'm 35 and decided that if I'm going to do this then I need to do it now, as I think I would regret not trying at least.

I totally get what you mean about this planet not needing any more people. One of my best friends has decided she isn't going to have children for this very reason, and I am dreading telling her that I am pregnant (if it happens). But I like to think that if we are going to make any progress to turning the tides in that respect then it is up to us to ensure the next generation has the right mentality and the tools to make a difference, I would make it my mission, haha!

Your post is very considered and i'm sure you and your partner would work hard to ensure your child had a loving, balanced, supportive environment to grow up in.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do!

You won't have "a baby" forever though. So not feeling mushy about babies isn't a reason not to have children.

As for life being difficult for your DC... tbh, I think that's fairly standard for everyone. Although it's certainly not a given that they'll be depressed.

Imagine this - you are five years older. You cannot get pregnant. How do you feel then?

I'll just add, the amount of women I knew who were really not certain about having children in their mid-thirties... who all started popping as 40 appeared over the horizon

I can sympathise too, I’m 38, so need to decide now really. if you said to me have another 5 years baby free, I’d take it so I’m not sure what that says. It’s just seems so limiting, the relentless drudge of school runs and routine. That’s not to say my life is wild or anything! It’s so hard. And obviously the cost too.

At 33 I’d give it a bit longer, I was going to say plan a fun year and then decide but obviously that’s not possible at the mo.

My friend didn't really like babies but liked children and now with her own has turned mushy.

In the grand scheme of things they are babies for a short time. Its more whether you want the ongoing responsibility of another human being and are prepared for the challenges and questions it asks of you.
I have an 18 and 14 year old, both are different. To be honest I found babies wonderful and boring. Each stage has required different things and thinking, and changing my approach. Its been challenging and the best thing I've done. Financially worse then it woould have been if we didn't have them. Do I regret it, rarely. Am I glad? Nearly all the time.

Having children is really hard work, you have to want to do it 199%. Right now you don't and that's ok - revisit the idea in 6 months/a year etc. You're overthinking it and need to just let yourself get there or not.

Also adoption has cut off ages so it's not as easy as just saying oh well I'll adopt like a back up plan

Honestly I think it's good that you thinking about it so practically.

I don't like babies, never have, would never choose to pick one up and don't go mushy over them. I like children generally (not all 😂) ...and am strong on family.

My husband really wanted kids, it was clear he would be hands on and he was quite happy to be the primary carer as my career was progressing well and had most potential earning wise.

We decided to go for it without me having a burning desire for a baby...and if it didn't happen... So be it.... Obviously not meant to be and we wouldn't do ivf but would consider fostering or alike later.

I had my eldest at 35 and its the best thing I ever did. I had a strong desire for my second child. I have dramatically changed am a much better more rounded person and although I still work full time am the main parent.
As expected I found baby stage repetitive, boring and hard work. It was great to go back from maternity leave 😱. Toddler and up has been a totally different ball game.

My kids are great, challenging and hard work at times but for me it was the best choice. I'm not a born mother like some are... But feel we have brought them up well.

As you could do with making a choice sooner rather than later... Think about what you expect to be doing with life in 10 and 20 years.. That might help you

I don’t like babies at all, but love my DS, now rising seven. In my book baby and toddlerhood is a necessary slog for getting the fun stuff with a child.

Hi, Its great that you are thinking so much about this and simply not rushing into something you might not be ready for. Please don't be so hard on yourself everyone is different and not having an interest in babies or children most certainly will not impact how you would feel about your own (the connection is very strong when you finally meet them and only grows and grows) My husband had never had a single interest in kids and now he rushes home from work to spend every minute with our daughter before she goes to bed (he adores her.)

Its a whirlwind being a mother, but if you do choose to do it you will love your baby more than you could imagine and everything will fall into place, you sound like you would be a fantastic mother and with your logic and nurturing they will go far and the world will be lucky to have him/her.

Thinking about the world we live in is enough to depress anyone, but if you know in your heart that you want to have a child then go for it!

Hi ladies. I just wanted to say a huge thank you. I only wrote that post an hour ago and already I feel less alone in this. I'm not going to pretend I've immediately come to a conclusion, but that was never the object of writing. Just expressing my situation and hearing your different opinions and experiences has made a huge difference to my day and given me some hope. So thank you again for taking the time to share. Your kids (and kids to be) are very lucky little beings. :)

I don't get mushy at babies. I also don't "love kids" - I wouldn't chose to work with them, for example. I love my friends' kids, but because they are an extension of my friends and part of us growing up together, rather than because I would be queuing up to spend time with them as people otherwise iyswim.

I do LOVE my kids though. Not in the sense that they have "completed me" or made my life have meaning or purpose - great if you do feel that of course, but I am confident that I could have quite easily found meaning or purpose in my life as a child free purpose. I am, however, so proud of them and I feel that having them has brought a new balance and dimension to my life that I would otherwise not have experienced and taught me to slow down and be more appreciative.

Having kids is hard. And so best not to have them if you are not prepared for this and to find the best in it. But it also has lots of upsides - fun, snuggles and discovery.

As an aside, I think some men often say they do want kids but in the knowledge that they will get to cherry pick or do the bits they want to do. Worth having a conversation with your partner as to whether he understands what would actually be required of him in reality, too!

I could've pretty much written this post myself up until 5 months ago (when I fell pregnant unexpectedly), so I find the responses really interesting to read and most are quite reassuring! I've never been interested in babies or toddlers, always just thought what hard work they are and having children was not in my plans at all. Then I hit 30 and started considering it.. likely in part due to everyone around me reproducing! But like you I was stuck in limbo and never really came to close to 'deciding' either way. Not a lot of point to my comment at all but felt compelled to join in as it was like reading something from my own thoughts!!! Maybe I can come back in a few months and give you some relevant advice
Good luck with your dilemma!!