TTC - relationship issues

[Carmen1975]

I am 43 and trying to conceive. We've been trying since January but my partner has a low sex drive & possibly ED. I also think he may have anxiety/depression the other day I may have suddenly been a bit full on about TTC with him, he seemed okay at the time but now says he's not sure he can have or even wants another child, he has an older child from a previous relationship who he has practically raised himself. So there is a lot going on. His parents also got divorced when he was young. My problem is that I have been here before with an ex and the relationship ended. I don't want this to happen again as we have a great relationship. any advice please?

Sorry you're going through this OP. I'm sure others will come along with other suggestions but from my perspective your partner needs to be make a decision asap on this. Have a long talk with him and if he doesn't already know then explain what happened in your previous relationship and how important this is to you. I know it might seem like I'm staying the obvious though. But I wouldn't waste any more time TTC while he's still unsure.

Separately, if the above does get sorted I have personal experience on how you can address the ED and low drive issues. DH had this and we tried home insemination. It might seem extreme but it completely took the pressure off (TTC can be a complete libido killer). Sometimes we would TTC normally and other times we would do the home insemination. Worked on the second months attempt for us and I know many other people who have said the same.

*stating

Thank you for your reply yes I would like to hear about how you overcame issues with ED & low sex drive please? I have thought about home insemination as it would take the pressure off. Did your partner ever shut down on you at any point in TTC, I think he just can't handle things.

Yes he totally shut down. Had previously said he wanted a baby but didn't act like it. Would avoid TTC most of the time - we'd "try" once every 2 weeks! And even that would sometime end badly because of ED. When I spoke to him about it he'd say it was because the pressure I was putting on him was unbearable. But then when I stopped mentioning it to him to ease the pressure it still made no difference. He refused to try home insemination for ages saying it was too extreme. But then eventually I had a calm talk with him and said that doing insemination would take the pressure off as I wouldn't be so tense as would feel like we're actually doing something about TTC and he wouldn't feel pressure to perform. So he gave in. I fully expected it to go badly. I ordered the kit from Amazon. Tried it the first month and we both felt so much better . Sex actually became enjoyable again because we only did it for fun not to TTC (home insemination separated the two things TTC and sex). He even started initiating (something he NEVER did before) . I was previously worried that inseminating would make our sex life even more non existent and was avoiding the low libido issue and ED problem. It actuallg did the opposite and did wonders for our relationship. Just had to make sure we used ovulation tests and inseminated at the right time but otherwise was really easy. Let me know if you need to know anything else. I really hope it works out for you x

Thank you so much! That sounds exactly the same! He never initiates sex, only at the start of our relationship. I actually have the home insemination kits but haven't spoken to him about it yet. I might try having a talk, getting our relationship back on track & then make the suggestion. It's not harmful to do is it? I've heard that you shouldn't directly squirt it to the cervix, but then I thought well what do you do with it?

Sounds like a plan, yes let things settle and then bring it up in a non confrontational way. With DH I told him that I couldn't be bothered to TTC either (which was a lie but I wanted him to think that it wasn't just him with the problem as ED etc can be embarrassing for men and your partner might just feel the same hence avoiding the issue).

As for squirting directly into cervix, I didn't do that. I'm very very squeamish and have zero pain threshold (used to have vaginismus) so couldn't even insert the syringe that far. I waited 5 mins for his semen to liquify and used preseed to lubricate the syringe and then inserted it a little way in, not too far up (just enough so it was inside and nothing could spill out, sorry if tmi) and then squirted very slowly. Then I stayed laying down with my legs in the air for half hour. Did it just before bed. Did not expect it to work. I'm in my late 30s with pcos and it worked on the second cycle. I inseminated when I got a positive ovulation test and then for 3 consecutive days.

I really hope it works out for you. I've been in your exact position and I felt horrible for 2 years before trying this. Not only did it work but it took away the whole negativity of the situation. Yeah others might say that I avoided his low libido and ED issues but bottom line was that I knew I wanted a baby and DH did too so just wanted to do everything I could to try make it happen so would have zero regrets. Even if the insemination hadn't worked then at least I would have known that I did what I could to try.

Agree though that u should let things settle with him and have a calm conversation. He's probably just freaked out about performing and the effort it takes to TTC and is therefore saying he doesn't want a child (especially if he was on board with the plan before).

Thank you that is very helpful to know! I definitely think he's just freaked out a bit. I will have to let you know eventually! x

Can I also ask how many times you did Artificial insemination before ovulation? Also which LH strips do you use? Thanks x

I used clear blue ovulation test (the ones which only give you a solid smiley, no flashing smileys so basically not the advanced kit).

I inseminated the day I got a smiley face / had lh surge. Then I inseminated again the following day and the day after. So 3 consecutive days - oh surge day and 2 days after.

Thank you for your help, this is very useful to know x