Can't take the plunge to TTC

[MissCantDecide]

Long time lurker, finally decided to join!

I need a bit of a shake up, or maybe just some reassurance that this is normal...

My DP and I have been talking about TTC for a few years, and last year we decided that we'd start this year around May. However, COVID delayed our plans as I needed to wait for some medical tests that were put on hold. Before that time I had been a bit nervous but pretty sure (maybe as it was far away!), but during lockdown months I was very broody, probably because I knew I couldn't do it then

However, the time has come this month to start TTC and I have been striked by absolute panic. I was pretty sure before, but a couple days before I was laying in bed and I suddenly had this feeling of OMG THIS IS FOREVER, and have been a mess since. I just can't take the plunge and do it.

My DP has wanted kids for years, and the thing is, I know I definetely want to have them, I just can't seem to decide to do it now. Logically I know I'm in a very good position to do it: we have good enough jobs, savings, a mortgage that we could have paid off in just 5 years, family support... We are 28 and 30, and I want to be a youngish mom, but at the same time I worry that maybe we should wait a bit more, as around here most people our age don't have children yet. On the other hand, I'm quite a homebody and it's not like I would be jetsetting across the world if I didn't have a baby now.

I'm also quite scared of pregnancy and childbirth, but I guess that's a bridge I'll need to cross at some time.

Anyone felt the same and managed to do it?

Thanks!

No one?

Reading your post I didn't have quite the same fear you had, but a lot of it did resonate with how I felt pre-TTC.

DS is now just over 12 months old and I regret nothing. Even after complications that required weeks in hospital pre-birth and an EMCS at 33+2! I absolutely love him to pieces, DH I are even planning #2. But that's after I had 3-4 months of therapy post-birth to deal with the PTSD type feelings and some other things from my childhood that were stopping me from bonding with my baby.

My advice for you would be to try to look into what's causing your fear. In hindsight, I did things in the wrong order and if I'd come to terms with my fears/anxiety in advance I would've been in a much better position to enjoy my pregnancy (pre complications) and to bounce back post-birth.

The only other bit of advice is that having a baby can be an incredibly tough process. Try not to have too many thoughts and ideas on how you'd like things to go. What you (probably) will come to realise is that you are quite literally rolling the dice and you have zero control. Stepping into the complete unknown and having no control is pretty scary. But I just want to re-iterate, despite my experiences we are planning a #2 and having DS is by far the best thing I've ever done.

@Curiosity101 Thanks for your reply!

I do have an overactive brain and have dealed with a few spells of anxiety and depression, which I guess is what drives this. I think I am afraid of not coping well with the change in my life, regretting it and end up in a dark place (where I've been before).

I tend to focus too much on the negative 'what-ifs', and not think about the many positive ones!

I really do recognise a lot of what you're saying as how I felt before TTC. Our situations sound similar even down to the financial side and ages.

Unfortunately no one can tell you how things will turn out. I really would recommend finding a counsellor. They can be with you through the TTC process, the pregnancy and then if you need it will be really well placed to support you post pregnancy or refer you to additional support if that's what was required.

I'm still in touch with my counselor, even though I'm not working towards anything at the moment. It gives me a lot of strength knowing that she's there if anything big comes up and that with her help I got past some huge issues that I had post pregnancy.

@MissCantDecide

I definitely don’t have any answers but I am in a similar position! Nearly identical ages and position by the sound of it. On the one hand I know I want a family and part of me doesn’t want to wait as I’m quite broody (also during lockdown - too much being at home and thinking time!). On the other, it’s easy to think what another year waiting might mean (we could do some more renovations to the house, more savings...) and the idea of not working full time in a job I love and have worked hard to be promoted at is odd. The idea it might happen immediately or might take ages is something as a bit of a control freak I struggle with!

I guess there is no ‘perfect time’ to have a baby and that it is a completely understandable thing to freak out about (at least that’s what I’m telling myself!). Is there someone in the real world you could talk to? I know it’s a really personal topic but it might help. And be kind to yourself.

In the meantime I’m terrorising my husband by wildly jumping between wanting a baby this minute and being sure we should wait..! I’m trying to break down the process a bit by coming off the pill and giving my cycles time to normalise and not thinking too far ahead.

After 2 months of concerted trying, I met my friend’s baby and went back on the pill for a while as a result... it’s okay to not be sure!

If our timeline for TTC has moved once, it’s moved 10 times!

When we got engaged, we had talks of when we’d like kids and we agreed about a year after our wedding so we’d be 27. As we got closer to that age, we decided we weren’t ready and we’d start at 28. At 28 still weren’t ready and pushed it to 30.

Then we turned 30 and lockdown happened which completely tipped TTC on its head. Several times over. Original plan was to start casually trying now but our plans got cancelled and so we discussed moving it forward. Which caused me so much panic. I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t sure I would be ready around now either. My body (or fate) intervened here and whilst I was still deciding if we should push the timing forward, my normally regular cycles decided to go completely off-track. I did a pregnancy test, it was negative and I wasn’t relieved like I expected I would be but disappointed is too strong of a word. It made me realise that yes TTC is scary but I guess I was ready. Not that I’m sure this is the best approach but it’s possible I’d have faffed around for years not wanting to commit to something so big. I guess I needed something to force my hand. This isn’t a new thing for me, I do tend to overthink everything and usually need a little push.

We gave it a few months of trying but this month the timing is a little off. We’ve not completely decided to stop this month and I guess currently we’re not preventing this month.But things could (and are likely to) change last minute, we might go back to trying or actually prevent. So if you start trying and decide you aren’t ready for it or a particular time doesn’t work for you, you can always take a step back. Then reassess a bit further down the line.

Honestly i felt the same for a long. I am a little older than you at 32 but just wasn't ready. I wanted to travel more, didn't want to be tied down, didn't want to be stuck at home with a baby all the time and just have that much responsbility.

Then one day a switch went off in my head and it's all i could think about. We are about to start trying but it's gonna be a long haul for us due to my husband's childhood cancer.

I think it's normal to panic a little at least. if you're not ready then you're not but if you think it's just a case of nerves then just stop "not trying" and if it happens it happens and if not it won't.

I think yours is a better place to be than being desperate for a child. a

And if there's something really bothering you or fears in your head make sure you speak to your partner. honestly sometimes just getting those fears out makes you understand them and logicalise them

@MissCantDecide I would love to get in touch with you on private messaging because I read your post and literally thought "omg did I type this"

We're the same ages as you and your partner and same sort of financial/ family help.

I'm also a homebody and suffer from anxiety and have had depression in the past.

So.... my worry is "is this the right time" I mean my Partner who has been asking me for years for a baby has said "is there ever a right time!?"

We differ slightly as I've been TTC on and off for 2 years with a few misscarriage along the way. But since stopping due to Covid - I'm so so scared to start again, and for some reason the FEAR of OMG this is FOREVER has now hit and I can't shake it off.

I worry that I won't be good enough, that the times not right, if I waited would the world be in a better place and then I'd give a better start to the baby!? It's just so frustrating!

Wish I had advice or answers for you but all I can say is you are not alone in this one!

Monty x

Thanks everyone for your words, means a lot.

The thing is I don't really care about travelling, or being able to take off in a whim, because that's not who I am. It's just about this fear of the unknown, about it being the only thing in your life that you can't undo.

But truth is, I am like that for so many things! Like even for the most trivial things, like buying furniture. I just overthink everything, and then feel like a fool because none of what I fear actually happened!

To be honest, just writing here has helped to ground me. I'd say it really is the nerves.

@MissCantDecide so sorry abour your miscarriages xx Actually, Covid helped me decide a bit, as in, if I'm going to miss out on things, I better do it while not much is happening! Will contact you through PM.

Just wondering if you have an update OP?