Got my period. Can't stop crying.

[ChickenFriedFudge]

I was so sure this month was the one. Did everything right. I don't even know why I'm posting really. DH's four children are here (6-13). I love them, we love each other. But they're not mine. They're not mine.
I can't stop crying. Sorry, my posts are normally so succinct and thought out. I can't stop crying. I feel so alone.

We did everything right. Even this morning when I did got a negative I thought there was still a chance, I'm not due on until Monday.
I just want to hide away. I can hear two of my wonderful step kids coming upstairs to show me something and I just want to scream at them.
I dont know why I'm posting I'm just so so sad.

Oh you poor thing someone will be along with sage advice, but until then you really do have my deepest sympathies

If your not due on untill Monday there is still hope!!
And by the way, I understand I've cried every month for the past 3 years x

My heart goes out to you, it's understandable that you're finding this tough. I've not been in a similar situation but I can imagine how conflicted you'd might feel. Loving your step kids but yearning for one of your own.

Let yourself feel how you need to feel. But also know that you're probably only a couple of weeks away from your next chance.

Wishing you luck 🤞

@cantsaynotocakei think the OPs period arrived so there’s not really any hope for this month.
@ChickenFriedFudge let yourself cry and be sad. And then realised that the baby you will have needs to be conceived at the right time to be the right baby...this month wasn’t the right one but there WILL be a good month for you and your baby will be here one day hopefully soon... meantime cry and have a large wine and a hot bath and then enjoy your step children and your lovely partner.

Thank you all so much. You've made me cry more though!
I just feel so alone. DH has given me a cuddle in bed but I guess he just doesn't have the same depression I feel.
I'm so lucky in so many ways. But lately it feels like a massive void in my heart. Like I'm missing something and nothing and no one can fill it.

I'm so sorry, OP. It just sucks. Infertility is awful.

Be kind to yourself. Please don't think that wanting a child of your own means that you love your stepchildren any less. I love my stepson, but I want a baby with my husband too, and it's ok that you do as well.

to you.

Two weeks ago we were discussing baby names.
I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. It will never happen. It's just not meant for me.

I’m so sorry OP. How long have you been TTC for?

I understand. Got my period yesterday and also cried

@ChickenFriedFudge you're not alone 💕 we all feel just as bad at times. The TTC journey is just so hard and emotionally draining. Allow yourself to have a cry and let it all out, but remember you're not alone. You and your husband are a team and we're all here for you too if you need to talk to us.

Thank you @2020mission
The thing is with my situation I do feel alone. In everything else I know me and DH are a team. But with this. He has his own. It feels like it's just my issue, my emptiness, my devastation every month.

It's been 6 months. I know others have had it much longer. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. I can hear his children playing in their rooms. I feel awful hiding myself away but I just can't be around them at the moment.
Is that awful???

My DH has 2 DC. It took us 18 months (and 1 MC) before our beautiful DD came along. Hang on in there. Pick yourself up. Try again and again. It WILL happen for you.

Huge hugs for you OP
Please know you're not alone - so many of us have been there (I can't link as it always takes me back to the App on my phone, but Google "Mumsnet, Fuck You TTC" and there was a really good thread a while ago). We can't promise when this will happen for you but everything crossed that it will. In the meantime just remember the hormones right now make everything feel doubly crap, do what you need to do and be kind to yourself - remember this day and these feelings will pass.

@ChickenFriedFudge I understand it won't be as much of a disappointment to your husband as it is to you every month because he does have biological children already. Don't feel guilty for feeling you want your space from them all, it makes sense that you are upset. It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job being a step mum to them all so you deserve credit for that and you deserve some space too.

I'm not in your exact situation but I do feel your TTC pain as I've been trying since January and we have no children yet so it's just the two of us with no family yet and no distractions. I've had many months of seeing BFN after trying everything I possibly can and thinking about it every day. Working hard to eat well, DTD every day or every other day, take vitamins, track ovulation, read up on as much as possible... it's just so intense. We've had 2 months where we got a BFP but both times a week later I miscarried and that has been even more heartbreaking than just seeing a BFN.

I have also felt my husband isn't being hit as hard by it all as it's not his body and he's generally just more chilled out than me, so I feel a bit alone too sometimes.

We all just need to try our best to keep positive as there's nothing else we can do but just hope and keep going 💪🏼

How old are you OP? If you’re 35+ you can start investigations with the NHS.

It’s really tough but doing things like that can help give you focus?

There are TTC boards on here which will give you someone to talk to; even though not in real life.

@namechangebunny I've just added my own on that thread. Very cathartic.
I'm 33. DH is 37.

@2020mission I feel the same re: DH
He just seems to say 'It'll happen, don't worry, blah blah blah"
It would mean so much if he just said "You know what? This is shit, we don't deserve this and I feel like shit"

I tried for eight months for DD1. It felt so, so awful and I cried every single month. But you know what, I never think of it now. And when it came to conceiving DD2 it took one month! I do remember thinking it wasn’t meant for me either, but that was just the sadness talking.

It may have been coincidence but the month I fell pregnant with DD1 I had acupuncture. So I always recommend it.

Keep on keeping on. It’s very likely that your BFP is just around the corner.

I know how you feel OP, we tried for 3 years for our first and it's soul destroying, please don't beat yourself up take time to feel whatever it is you feel & don't feel guilty for it. It's hard for people who haven't experienced it to understand & although you've probably heard this a million times but try and give yourself a break and relax a bit. I tortured myself every month when it wouldn't happen, I think I put too much pressure on it that it did more harm than good. I actually started reiki for help with relaxation. Please just be kind to yourself

Thank you @mammafive

@AllTheWhoresOfMalta I actually have already booked an initial consultation with the acupuncturist tomorrow.

Took 11 months at age 34. I knew I was pregnant before I was due because I was so emotional and kept crying. Don’t give up , you never know.

OP I know it doesnt feel like it but please dont convince yourself that is it! I remember when I was trying feeling so despondent that it hadnt happened quickly. I was on the pill though for 5 years so was not any wonder our bodies have to get back to normal - it doesnt always happen quickly! took me 10 months (sadly ended in mmc) then 4 months after that I was pregnant with DD. just to show you how much it can fluctuate, there is no sense or rhythm to these things. hang in there, I know one day you will look back on this thread and want to give yourself a hug because it all worked out in the end. that's how I feel when I look back on my old threads at the time and how sad I was. you'll be okay, be kind to yourself atm and then get straight back on it! next month is a new month - and you never know in 4 weeks it could be your time, a life changing moment

oh and I was only 23, a "prime" age - still took nearly a year!