Can I do this?

[PeachFL]

Hi all,

Newbie here so please be kind! I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to write this but I didn't know where else to turn.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost three years. I suffer from a lot of internal pain (doctors suggested endometriosis but they would have to perform keyhole surgery to know for sure which I was too afraid to do). This means that sex can be very painful for me so we can only try for a baby 2 or 3 times a month maximum.

Unsurprisingly, we have been unsuccessful so far. I'm 33 and my husband will be 38 later this year. He is the most patient and kind person I've ever met and he'd love us to have a family. I feel like I'm letting him down by not being able a) try more often, and b) get pregnant.

I feel like a let down in general.

A few years ago I had a nervous breakdown and have been on Sertraline for anxiety and depression ever since. At the time, I had started having feelings for a female co-worker and felt completely lost. I'd known for many years that I was bisexual, but I'd never told a soul other than my now-husband. As my then-boyfriend, he gave me the time and space to explore those feelings for her - knowing that I wouldn't be able to commit to marriage and our future family if I always had this "what if I should be with her instead" hanging over me.

I've always felt like I'm hiding who I really am.

During lockdown, an old gambling problem has resurfaced as I don't have access to my usual "self-care" measures like therapy and health stuff. I've lost nearly £10K over the course of two nights and I feel absolutely helpless. I can't tell anyone about it and it's killing me.

I feel like I don't deserve a happy life with a family and a baby because I'm such a broken mess.

What's more, I eat my feelings, and I've put on three stone since our wedding too.

I'm sorry to whoever reads this (if anyone!) for waffling on. I suppose I'm just hoping someone out there understands and can tell me it will be ok.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. Please help. xx

Hello,
I cant offer much in the words of assurance but didnt want to read and run. Hopefully this bumps your post and someone a lot more woser than me comes along 😺
Wishing you all the best & sending lots of positive vibes your way OP
Xxx

I'm really sorry to see how tough a time you're going through right now. It certainly sounds like you need more support, I'd recommend getting in touch with either your GP or your therapist today to get the extra help you sort through everything that's going on.

Good luck with everything, you can do this. Nothing lasts forever, even the really bad patches.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Your kind words really do make the difference between seeing light at the end of the tunnel vs getting stuck in a very dark place. x

Oh Peach that certainly is a lot of things to be dealing with in one go, isn’t it! I echo what PP has said and contact your therapist or Dr ASAP if you haven’t already to get the extra help you need.
Remember that so many people have been having such a rough time during lockdown and are experiencing mental health issues, myself and several friends included, so seeking help is nothing to be ashamed of! They can help you with your addiction and out of the darkness with your feelings of self worth. You can worry about the rest later when you’re feeling better. One step at a time.
Take care of yourself.

@PeachFL you absolutely deserve a happy life, with everything your heart desires. None of us are perfect, please be kind to yourself and know that you are worthy of everything you want in this life.

Have you reached out to see if there is any online support available? Maybe your therapist can see you via Zoom. Also, try giving the Samaritans a call (116 123) they're great listeners.

Try not to worry about only doing it a couple of times a month, that's honestly all it needs. I know some ladies on here do it every other day for two-weeks, but not all of us have the time, energy, or inclination... no matter how much we want a baby. I recommend getting yourself some digital OPKs so you can make those couple of times really count.

Sorry to hear you're in so much pain, both physically and mentally. It must be really tough for you to carry all this. Go well x

It's honestly so lovely to hear such comforting words right now. I was so nervous about posting because I sound like such a selfish wreck, and I know many, many people have things a lot worse than me.

I will definitely look into online therapy. I've still been shielding because of my parents, so all of my usual pre-lockdown routines are out of the window.

It means so much that there is a community here who show support like this to a complete stranger. I've spent my life feeling like I'm living on the outside. Hopefully one day soon I'll be fall pregnant and be able to feel a part of something bigger. Thank you again - I won't forget your kindness.