Heartache at others' joy

[10Hayley]

We've been trying to conceive for 10 months now. It's been really difficult. Emotionally, physically - you all know how it goes. I eat well, sleep well, exercise regularly. I'm 25, he's 26 and we're both fit and healthy.

In May, my younger sister told me she was expecting. It was a complete accident, but they decided to carry through with the pregnancy. It completely broke me. It was something I wanted so badly, and it happened to her accidentally.

Last night, my husband's brother and wife told us that they are now expecting. The hole that I've only just managed to crawl out of has now sucked me back in, and sucked me back deeper. I feel so weak and pathetic. I hate my body for failing to give me what we want to badly, I hate the world for giving other people what they want but not us, and I hate those people for getting it. Which makes me also feel incredibly guilty. I know I should feel really happy for them, but I just feel dead.

My husband is a massively positive person, and his attitude is just 'it changes nothing for us, we'll keep trying'. But at the moment I don't want to do anything. If we don't try, I don't have to go through the repeated heartache and disappointment that comes from it.

It's so cruel that someone else's extreme happiness cause's someone else's extreme misery. Nobody knows we're trying to conceive, and it's been a very lonely journey for me. My husband tries to be supportive, but I don't think he quite realises the mental/physical/emotional toll that this journey is having on me.

Reaching out to anyone out there who might be able to offer some words of wisdom/sympathy.

So sorry to read this, it must have hit you hard especially as it was an accident too. Keep trying as you are, I really hope that you are successful. Have you spoken to your g.p at all? Or do you have to wait abit longer? Sending positive thoughts to you OP 💗

All I can say is that you don't know necessarily what troubles these other couples had conceiving - you are actually at the beginning of your fertility journey - most people take 1-2 years to conceive and as hard as it is you can't let it get to you this early

It's really hard, it took us 18 months to conceive and it seemed like an eternity at the time. I got through it by reminding myself that someone else's joy doesn't take anything away from me and I tried to be happy.

Try not to worry, 10 months isn't actually a long time. Have you used ovulation tests? I didn't until the month I got pregnant, they helped me to realise that I wasn't ovulating when I "should" have been.

Sorry you are having such a tough time! I completely get where your coming from. When my friend told us she was expecting last year (a couple months before we even started to try due to circumstances) I was happy for her but when I got home I just cried. It feels like everyone else was getting something I desperately want . A couple of months ago my friend announced she was going g to be an aunty for the first time... took her brothers partner 3 months after coming of the pill! So that was a kick in the teeth. My sister recently told me they are planning on trying for no.2 at the end of the year (she wasn't bothered about having kids before she got pregnant) the thought of her announcing her second before I have even managed my first is rubbish, I don't think i would handle it very well!. We are in month 10 of trying now, i don't use opks anymore, I find they add too much stress. We are just trying to dtd regularly and enjoy it, still hard to not get upset when af arrives though. I had day 21 and day 3 bloods done, have you asked your gp about these?

The whole ttc thing is so bloody stressful, it is ok to feel the way you are feeling. If you need to, take a month off and focus on yourself and forget about the stress. I probay haven't been very helpfull but I hope you are ok 🧡

I can relate to how you are feeling and am so sorry you have been trying for a while without success. Be kind to yourself and be sure to open up to trusted friends and family if you can.

My sister had her 12 week scan for my niece the same day I had my scheduled D&C as a result of missed miscarriage. In the next ward. I tried to do the right thing and be positive, and even managed to arrange her baby shower, but I cried every single day for months and could only be helped through it by the most helpful, prayerful, patient and loving friends and family. But from the moment my niece arrived, things changed. She was her own little person! She was just the loveliest little thing and I didn’t feel so sad anymore. I fell pregnant naturally 2 years after the miscarriage and I promise my little tantrummy toddler was worth every minute of the wait, and has more than made up for all the tears and heartache. And he loves copying his big cousin and following her around.

I don’t know if that helps. But I do know how much it hurts. And it’s good that you have shared it on here. My advice is to open up to people that you love and let them help you. It’s ok to lean on them. Because one day they will need to lean on you too x

@10Hayley I’m sorry I can’t offer you any positive stories but I can stand right along with you. I’m in almost the exact same boat except we’re 26&27 and have just been trying over a year now. I’ve just started up with GP to get investigated but it’s so frustrating as I feel healthy and my cycles seem regular and I like to think I’m just a lovely person who will be a great mum so why hasn’t it happened?! There’s been 6 announced pregnancies at work since lockdown and while I’m fortunate in respect that none of my family are really at the point of having children, I know how much the work news has kicked me so can’t imagine what that’s like to hear someone close to you. For some people it takes time, up to 2 years and it will happen one day for you but until then, lots of love and light for you on your journey and please take courage that there are other women like me who are with you and these forums are a godsend for vents/upsets but also the highs too, like that positive OPK and getting to DTD twice that day and I find it really important to appreciate those happy moments too. It helps carry me through the BFNs!

Hi OP,
Just had a little read and wanted to say it's important to share your feelings, be it to real life friends or a forum like this, so well done for reaching out.
Your emotions are completely relative to your own situation and you should not be made to feel worse by comparing the difficulties you are experiencing to other couples who might have had it 'worse'.
Fact: 'most people' do NOT take 1-2 years to conceive, and it is completely understandable that you would be feeling upset, even heartbroken, that it hasn't happened for you yet. As some other lovely ladies have shared, it may not be the 'average' time, but 10+ cycles is still definitely normal and please keep your chin up as the stats are in your favour that it WILL happen! In the meantime practice a lot of self-care and I think you will really benefit from sharing your experience with a close, trusted, real life friend too. Good luck x

I exactly know how it feels I am just going through the same.
Last november I fell pregnant that was my 2nd year wedding anniversary and everything worked as per plan. Everything was very well planned and at my 5th month I had MMC took it up on supposed to be anamoly scan. That's april 2020!! It's been 4 months and my due date was next week and I am going through lot of trauma with if could have been, would have been!!
Meanwhile my bestfriend announced his wives pregnancy just a month after my MMC then my neighbor announced just after a month and another cousin gave birth to her baby boy. We both were due together!!
I am happy for all of them and I cried everyday.
We are TTC since 3months and I feel my harmones are all over the places still and unable to conceive. And this time is killing me :(
My husband is very supportive and positive person also my brother is postponing his marriage waiting for me to have baby.
Maybe its the worst phase one could ever get into, I dont know will I be able to find light anyday

And @10Hayley thanks for starting this thread, this is what I was exactly looking for to just vent out my heart.

Oh OP it's bloody awful. I understand you completely I've been trying for 13 months I'm 28 and my partner is 32,we are both super healthy and had all the checks done which show we should be able to concieve.
My partner is very positive and is confident it will happen whereas I'm very down all the time about it and it consumes me always.
His best friend got his wife pregnant straight away and they didn't mean to, he told me the day I got my period and I literally broke down. Not that I don't want good for them but it absolutely broke my heart, your feelings are valid.
It's a hard journey and I don't really have words of wisdom except to keep going and try to keep your head up hun xxx

I can relate OP and sorry you feel this way. I've experienced baby loss half way through pregnancy and I feel so bitter towards other people who have so much happiness when I've had so much sorrow. It all seems so unfair that it comes so easily for some and so so hard for others. I agree everyone's journey is unique to them and you're allowed to feel how you do. It's completely understandable.
One of the worst triggers for me is definitely social media and avoiding it has helped me a lot.

I totally understand how you feel. We are on month 19 of trying, both 26, healthy etc. Most of our friends are now pregnant or have babies and a lot of them by accident. It's hard to hear the news especially when it's something you want so badly. I will keep my fingers crossed for you and I hope you get your positive result soon x

@10Hayley completely get how you are feeling! It does put you in such a horrible place. We have been trying for 8/9
Months now and in that time umpteen friends and family members have either had babies our announced they are pregnant. A few months ago I was so down and lockdown didn’t help either. We have been together for about 8 years and we constantly get the ‘you next’ at weddings and when are you guys going to have babies. We’re 27 and 29.My partner is the same as yours always says it will happen for us when it happens and that we shouldn’t worry about anyone else just got to keep doing what we are doing.

There was a post on here from a lady who said to look at it as each month that passes you are one step closer to your BFP. It’s a nice way to think of it but really hard to keep that in mind. I feel like I have become totally obsessed and that it’s on my mind every day. Only my mum really knows we are trying but even at that I don’t want to speak about it to her all the time. My MIL is also a nightmare so I think if we do get pregnant she will
Not be happy!

In the last month I have started taking vital dha, Coq10 and also been religious with folic acid too. I read about them on Luisa zissmans blog post maybe baby and she has a highlight on Instagram with lots of positive messages from people who have conceived soon after taking these! I hope you get your BFP soon 😊

I understand how you feel but I would really really try to let go of the bitterness towards other people's situations and remind yourself there aren't a limited number of babies to go around, someone else's fertility doesn't affect yours. You will honestly feel better if you are able to look at it that way.

It took us 18 months this time with one miscarriage along the way, and so many of my friends got pregnant during that time. Even though I was obviously happy for them it did hurt.

Good luck. Hope it is your turn soon.