Bitterness becoming worse

[Ginger89]

Really struggling to keep my bitterness under control, it’s not that I am not happy when other people concieve I don’t know how long it toook them to get there I just can’t help but feel so selfishly fuming that it’s not us yet. I have a DS who is 11 this year so I am already so lucky I know that but since an ectopic last year we are on month 13 of TTC and every new announcement hurts, is there anything I can do to stop or distract this feeling, dp doesn’t seem to understand my frustration & I don’t myself sometimes, not sure what I’m asking for here really just a rant & to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way? Sorry if you got this far x

I completely understand - I had an ectopic in April this year and every pregnancy announcement since has been like someone twisting the knife. I had to unfollow someone I went to college with because she announced she was due the same week I should have been - that hurt.

I don’t really have much to offer in the way of advice but know you’re not alone 💙

So hard - so normal. Not easy at the moment but I try to do/plan something every month that I wouldn't be able to do if I was pregnant or had a baby: drink cocktails or my favourite wine; travel or book a holiday.

Long term, which I think is what you need, I think it's almost impossible. I started a gratitude diary, which had helped. But honestly sometimes I think you just have to accept that you will feel bitter at times - the main thing is keeping faith that you will find a way!

Really sorry to hear about your ectopic and TTC journey, OP. You have been through something really hard and I think it's only natural to feel the way you do. Have you thought about having some talking therapy? I did when TTC and found it a huge help to work through what was going on and be able to vent openly and have my feelings acknowledged. The only other thing I found helpful was to plan loads of fun things to look forward to. Wishing you all the best and hoping it all works out for you soon.

Thank you, yeah I looked at lighthouse therapy session groups if you’ve heard of them but it all went tits up with corona. I’m just finding it harder each month that it’s not happening. Sometimes I just feel so bloody lonely 😔 xx

I think you have to remember that behind every pregnancy announcement there could be untold struggles you aren't aware of. You can't let the bitterness get to you - infertility takes so much away from us already. I've had 5 miscarriages 2 ruptured ectopics and lost both tubes so permanently infertile, and been through 5 rounds of IVF......I do have a DD and therefore consider myself infinitely more lucky than those that don't have any children and are desperate for them. I also know people who have tried for a decade and are still trying. The odds are that you'll have a successful pregnancy soon - 13 months is still not that long when the science says for most women it will take 2 years so hold on to that and keep your head up x

Thanka ivfdreaming, really truly sorry to hear abour your losses it’s just awful isn’t it, I lost one of my tubes with the ectopic everywhere says that doesn’t make a difference but I think it does or maybe I’m just a negative nora, I think the announcements where I know its happened first try or by accident hurt more, and friends who tell me about abortions, I never judge it’s just a kick in the guts is what it feels like it puts me in an awful mood all day and I hate it I dont want to feel like that that’s not who I am. Do you think I should go to the doctors now its been over a year or? Xx

To be fair the "I just look at my husband and I'm pregnant with triplets" sort or the ones who are on their 4th child do make me bitter! 🤣

I moved on to IVF 12 months after my first ectopic as I felt like it was a bit of a "lie" about losing a tube not affecting fertility- I fell pregnant 3 months out of the previous 6 before losing my tube (although lost them all) and then nothing after so I felt like I was running out of time.
Unfortunately I lost my second tube following an IVF transfer - ironic really. I didn't think IVF Increased chances Of another ectopic......turns out it DOES.

5 cycles of IVF later, 4 transfers, another miscarriage, and a LOT of money I'm now 8 weeks pregnant with IVF twins. Once you are on the IVF rollercoaster it takes over your life and it becomes difficult to stop.

I'd speak to a doctor as you've now been trying over a year and see what they say - they might do a scan on your remaining tube.....but beware I had that done after my first ectopic and they told me my tube was healthy and clear.....the test can't tell you if it actually works though so it gave false hope really

As you already have child you aren't entitled to IVF on the NHS so if IVF is something you'd think you do then I'd just go straight to a private clinic for tests x

Tentative congratulations I’m not sure how to private message on this long time lurker not been on an actual account that long, I had a hsg said other tube was clear just pissed off that it hasnt happened yet & yes already have my ds so will have to pay just wondered if you could give me more info, financial/emotional investment ect. Twins wow thats amazing 💕💕 hope all goes well xx

@Ginger89 hope this is helping.

I’m going to be 41 in October and I feel it will never happen. I find the continual chemicals cruel and it does hurt when you see others. Knowing how private I have been and My sister had lots of issues too I keep telling myself that not all is as it seems.

Didn’t stop me sobbing uncontrollably the other night. We are all here to listen if you need someone who does understand.

I'm sorry for your loss,
I've had two ectopics - one losing a tube in Feb, and the second in June.
It is hard hearing friends/family that are expecting but as a previous poster said, you don't know what struggles are behind their announcement.
That could be the announcement they've been waiting for for so long, having gone through many losses, and it's their rainbow.
It would be the exact same for me (if I get there) - no one but very close friends knows what I've been through, so to other people seeing my announcement, they haven't a clue what a hard 2020 I've had with three losses (the first ectopic was confirmed twins)

I know it's hard, but sometimes there's an untold story x

@ginger89

To private message you have to do it on the website rather than the app - feel free to message me!

Not going to lie IVF cost was crippling - we initially said 3 cycles and no more and remortgaged the house for £20k. We thought we'd get 3 cycles out of that but it only lasted 2 as we had to have ICSI and do freeze all cycles rather than fresh transfers as well as deciding to PGS test on one cycle.

I didn't feel like I was "done" and wanted to try a different protocol of IVF and swapped to natural modified and took a 5 year loan out for £13.5k (£275 a month) which covered a 3 cycle package with all costs included (drugs, ICSI, freezing. transfers etc). We had to do the 3 egg collections before we could transfer and I got 4 top quality blastocysts (2 are my twins and 2 more are frozen although if we make it to take 2 healthy babies home I don't think I'd be able to persuade my husband to do any more transfers)

Emotional cost was huge - the drugs make you moody and snappy not to mention the stress and pressure you are under - how many follicles, what size, how many eggs, how many fertilise, how many on day 3, how many on day 5 not to mention quality of them. I feel guilty that my focus hasn't been 100% on my daughter the last 18 months and obviously she's had to suffer through my mood swings. Not to mention we haven't had a family holiday as can't afford one.

In total we've spent £35k - if it works then of course I'll say it was worth every penny. If it doesn't work and we don't get to take a healthy baby home I don't know if I will feel differently about what else we could have spent the money on - holiday, bugger house etc x

I totally get it, took us a year to get pregnant with #1 and everyone under the sun seemed to fall pregnant in that time. Literally my sister who wasn't even in a steady relationship, 2 couples in our friends circle who just seemed to decided they wanted a baby then fall pregnant the next day and my dh's cousin who had been ttc for years but miraculously got pregnant when we were trying! I found it really hard being around pregnant people and distanced myself from my family because it was all chat about my sisters pregnancy and i was soo bitter! It feels totally irrational looking back but i couldn't help it at the time. Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. On the other and as pp's have said since being pregnant i have spoken to so many people who had struggles ttc and it seems taking 12-18 months to get pregnant is actually quite normal.

Hi @Ginger89, I totally get it and I am so sorry. This is tough, and there is no way to sugarcoat it. I spent half a decade TTC. It's a rollercoaster really and some days are better than others. What helped me was making sure I did as much as I could to take charge of my fertility. Adjusting my mindset, lifestyle and seeing the right doctor. That way I felt I was able to do something about it and not be helpless. It worked for me in the end and I know that it was all worth it. X