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Conception

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Original poster

I want to TTC but partner wants to wait

27 replies

TTC2020hopefully · 01/07/2020 09:13

Hi there,

I am 33 and my partner is 36. I really want to start TTC but my partner wants to wait until next year, which to be fair the way the world is, is reasonable. I however, am desperate for a child. We had a miscarriage a year ago now (unplanned pregnancy) but this further reinforced the fact I wanted a child.
We own our house, financially stable etc so no issues ok that front.

I know January is not far off but I know it may not happen straight away and could take time so my argument is why not start to try now.

I know in my head he is right but my heart just says start trying.

I am pained everytime someone I know gets pregnant - my partner doesn’t understand this at all and says our time will come.

Am I being pathetic??

OP posts:
Kay00 · 01/07/2020 11:22

Hi @TTC2020hopefully you are not being pathetic at all! I have spent the last 17 years trying to convice my partner that our future involves children Blush , it was only at the begining of the lockdown did he finally say it was something he wanted too Grin.

I am using the next few months to get my body ready for pregancy (we plan to start trying in September); I have come off my pill, I am taking vitamins (Folic Acid and Vit D), have started eating more healthy and I started running (although my sciatic nerve has other plans this week). I have also started tracking my cycles (temperature, OPKs etc).

Perhaps you too could use this time to prepare for starting early next year, or if conditions improve in 2020, you could have a chat with your partner and start trying sooner. At least you will know your body is ready for pregancy when he is ready too Smile.

butterfly5291 · 01/07/2020 12:25

Hi @TTC2020hopefully
What are his reasons for wanting to wait till next year?
If you have been on hormonal contraception for some time then it is likely to take your body a bit of time to adjust. And like @kay00 says you can be preparing your body by taking folic acid etc.

I posted a thread earlier this week as I am due to try and get my Mirena coil out on Friday so we can start TTC and we've got our wedding booked at the end of December! But my Dr told me I was doing the right thing by starting to try now because it can take time to actually conceive.

If this year has taught us anything, surely it is that nothing is certain so make the most of the time we have.

I really hope you can have another conversation with your partner...but you are definitely not being pathetic!

Poppy10121 · 01/07/2020 14:30

It's not pathetic at all, I can empathise with how a miscarriage can make you really yearn for another pregnancy. As others have said, there is a lot you can do to prepare yourself for TTC, after my miscarriage this is what I have focussed on too: healthy eating, cutting down caffeine and alcohol (so that cutting out completely will be easier), taking vitamins and folic acid regularly, doing running and other exercise. You can also come off any hormonal contraception as that can take a while (it took me 4-5 months coming off the pill to get a regular cycle, which is so important for ovulation tracking etc!)

I would focus on those things for a month or two and then perhaps try approaching your partner about it again, maybe the world will be more positive :-)

DisobedientHamster · 01/07/2020 14:37

What are his reasons? How long have you been together? What have been his views on having kids?

I am pained everytime someone I know gets pregnant - my partner doesn’t understand this at all and says our time will come.

This is rather nebulous and concerning.

What's your definite date for starting TTC? And what will you do if he stalls on it?

Balajake · 01/07/2020 14:38

Even if you start now it could take months and then you’ve got 40 weeks to wait till baby is here.

DisobedientHamster · 01/07/2020 14:41

Is he still expecting you to be responsible for birth control even though he knows you want to TTC? Sorry, but at 33 you really don't have time to put up with 'next year' or 'our time will come' vagueness.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/07/2020 14:42

It could take months to conceive or it could take no time at all.

If you are on contraception, I would definitely stop now to regulate your body. Start taking folic acid and eating healthily.

Is it because of CV that your DP doesn’t want to TTC? I have to say, being pregnant during this pandemic has been really stressful!

DisobedientHamster · 01/07/2020 14:43

Also what was his reaction when you became unexpectedly pregnant last year? And his reaction to your miscarriage?

LT103 · 01/07/2020 15:06

Not really adding much to what’s already been said. But I was ready before my oh. We had a few conversations about it. First one he did say he wanted kids just not right now. I brought it up a few more times and we’re now both on the same page. He just took more time to get there.
I came off the pill in January As I’d heard it can take a few months for cycle to sort itself out tho mine was quite quick and said that he would need to take care of things if not wanting to get pregnant. We spoke again about it in February and I started taking folic acid since recommendations are to take it for 2-3 months before ttc.
It was only really at the start of may that we decided to try so it prob took about 6-8 months for him to get there but I needed about 4 of those to get my body ready anyway.
Definitely need him thinking same as you but maybe explain what steps you are going to take so that you are ready when time comes.

Original poster
TTC2020hopefully · 01/07/2020 15:31

@Kay00 thank you - good idea with the folic acid etc and I feel your pain with the sciatica - I had a bout of it years ago and it was horrific but then disappeared almost overnight!

@butterfly5291 you are completely right - this year has taught us that indeed - what a strange year so far!

@DisobedientHamster we have been together for 6 years he wants children definitely and says we would have started TTC if it hasn’t been for Covid etc. He was absolutely heartbroken by the miscarriage - he was amazing through it all and couldn’t have been more supportive. We have said January for definite - if he stalls again I don’t know what I will do?

@BeingATwatItsABingThing - it is because of Covid - he isn’t one to be scaremongered by media etc but he just thinks it’s a crappy time to try! Sorry to hear your pregnancy has been stressful through all of this - hopefully we are coming out the right side now Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
TTC2020hopefully · 01/07/2020 15:36

@LT103 - thanks! Everyone who has said take this time to take folic acid, diet etc is right and I will do that. I think he just wants this year out of the way and we can try! I will bring it up again tonight to say I plan on starting folic acid etc and see what he says! I dont think men understand (not all men mind you) the complexities of it all and ovulation etc etc! If he did his own research into it he would know it is a good idea to start now Grin

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BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/07/2020 15:44

What’s stressful is the unknown that CV brings to pregnant women. My appointments are all still happening (I’m a lucky one) but my DH missed the 20 week scan and won’t be allowed in the hospital for the whole time I’m in giving birth. He’ll only be allowed in for active labour as it stands currently.

I think your DP is right to be cautious about trying currently.

Mmmmycorona · 01/07/2020 15:45

Are you sure he will definitely allow you to start trying when he says he will?
One of my friends husbands said he start trying for their second months ago and he constantly comes up with reasons as to why they can’t start now. She’s a little older and is panicking that time is running out.

FlashesOfRage · 01/07/2020 15:52

While I can understand his fears around trying now because covid ruined 2020, I think he has to seriously consider what he will say and do about it all in January 2021 when covid hasn’t disappeared and life isn’t magically back to normal.

There is never a perfect time. If you were asking this in March his fears about you getting pregnant during the height of the outbreak would be unquestionable... now when things are dying down but won’t really ever go back to normal? What does he think is going to change?

Add to all of this your age (Sorry to be rude but if anything goes wrong or is difficult you’ll want to have started right now) and uncertainty about how long it might take...

PlanBea · 01/07/2020 15:52

I agree with the above messages about starting folic acid, improving diet and coming off contraception. But as well, when I was waiting for DH to be ready I had some things I wanted to do for me. It can be silly things (like have a whole weekend of achieving nothing but trash TV) or hobbies you want to try out, or something like redecorating. One of the things on my list was I wanted to go out for some drinks wearing my ridiculous shoes! It's a bit harder to do now with lockdown and restrictions, but it gave me things to focus on me as a person and not me as a "future pregnant lady" if that makes sense?

Original poster
TTC2020hopefully · 01/07/2020 15:53

@BeingATwatItsABingThing happy to hear your appointments are still happening but so sad to hear your DH won’t be able to be with you the whole time - I do hope all goes well for you Flowers

You are completely right about his being right to be cautious - I know in my head he is right but my heart says differently Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
TTC2020hopefully · 01/07/2020 15:54

I don’t have any reason to think he will change his mind but don’t know what I will do if he did
Confused

OP posts:
LT103 · 01/07/2020 15:55

Yeah I put it to my oh that as I was 38, I didn’t think it would be a good idea to leave it as it can take a year or 2 of trying. But that if we started ttc he also had to be aware I could get pregnant first time so he had to be ready to deal with that. I think just sit down and explain your reasons for wanting to start earlier but also listen to his for waiting.

Original poster
TTC2020hopefully · 01/07/2020 15:56

Yep that’s what I think too...nothing is just going to suddenly be back to how it was on the 1st January!

You are not being rude at all...that’s a reason I don’t think we should wait any longer...all very frustrating

OP posts:
Original poster
TTC2020hopefully · 01/07/2020 15:57

Ahhh I absolutely love that idea Grin thank you - that would definitely help I think

OP posts:
Juno231 · 01/07/2020 16:05

What happens if covid is still around in Jan? or if the new swine flu currently circulating in China becomes a bigger deal by then? I'm definitely of the opinion that there's no perfect time and that there's no point delaying. I'd be concerned that he's stalling without fully realising what the actual impact would be or how long it would take for you to conceive. Not to mention that by the time you give birth might be a year from now if not later??

Bear in mind that at 33 the average time to conceive is 10 months. Even without any problems you could be 35 by the time you have your first - something to consider in case you were planning on having more than one child.

Juno231 · 01/07/2020 16:07

Just to add - my husband was dilly dallying as well so in the I told him that I was ready to TTC, will be stopping my pill so contraception was all on him. Funny how fast they change their minds then!

Chicken123 · 01/07/2020 16:52

@TTC2020hopefully
I could’ve written this..we had an early MC the beginning of May and although unplanned, it made us both realise we ant children now.
And although I want to try straight away, my partner said about waiting until Dec/Jan.
I’m like you, I understand why, but we’ve had a small taste of the instant love and excitement and I more than anything want that again.

It’ll happen for us xx

Original poster
TTC2020hopefully · 01/07/2020 20:08

It is hard isn’t it. I don’t know if men feel that intense feeling of wanting a child like women do? Like you I just want to feel that excitement again
It isn’t long to wait on the great scheme of things but it is when you want something so badly Confused

You are right it will happen for us x

OP posts:
Sansa87 · 01/07/2020 20:41

I was definitely ready before oh. A few years ago he was adamant he didn’t want kids. Then said he wanted our baby but wasn’t ready.

He’s quite a selfish person, in the sense he likes to do things when he wants to, last minute holidays away. The “nice” selfish as it were. He was worried that having a baby would mean he’d lose that independence, & selfishness.

We agreed last year we’d have three holidays this year, & start in June. (Two of those holidays have been cancelled 😂)

We got our bfp, first cycle and I’m currently 6w pg.

What helped him was having that date set. He didn’t feel overwhelmed, he got his head round it, had months to talk all things baby without trying. (We had a list of names ready by March) and when it came to ttc (29th May was first of fertile window) he was probably more intense than me. I was aware it could and probably would take a year (I’m 33) but he was researching, making sure I wasn’t forgetting my vitamins etc he wanted it sooner rather than later, & his little face every day since the bfp made that extra year wait worth it.

Sorry about the essay, and this is only my experience, I was also worried covid would make him delay it more, but I’m actually really glad we waited so he could be as excited about trying, instead of begrudgingly doing it before he was ready.