Having a little moan - TTC after miscarriage

[AwkwardPaws27]

Warning; I'm going to have a moan.

My period has just started and I'm unbelievably fucked off.
I had a MMC last August, couldn't get my head around trying again until November. Regretting that now, at the time I thought it'd all be ok as we conceived on our second cycle with the MMC. No such luck.

I'm now starting a bloody graduate training scheme in early September, which I had to defer last year due to being a fucking mess and not wanting to quit my job whilst I was waiting for the miscarriage to actually happen.
It's a great opportunity without which I'll never earn more than £25k so I need to do it.

It also means we need to stop trying for now, as I won't be eligible for maternity pay if I'm already pregnant when I start. I don't know how long we have to stop for as I won't get access to mat leave policies etc until I start.

My periods have been shite since the MMC - TMI but so clotty and I feel disgusting - and I don't feel in any way excited about the job now. It just feels like another hurdle before I'm 'allowed' to be a parent. Although I know it's a great opportunity.

Oh sorry you're fed up OP

Just try and think how fast the first half of this year has flown by. Before you know it it'll be Christmas and you'll have settled in, know your rights and be able to start planning again x

@AwkwardPaws27 I'm sorry and I can relate 💐 I had a MMC in nov. Decided to wait until March before trying again and now since April my periods have just stopped completely! Never happened before and I have no idea what's happening and the gp not remotely interested at the minute. Also thought/hoped that (naively) it would happen again quickly for us.

It's so cruel when you feel like you've made the decision and you just want it to happen now but things get in the way!

How old are you? If time is on your side then I'd try not to worry too much as it sounds like you're making a sensible decision which (as difficult as it is now) will benefit you in the future.

I'm almost 31. I feel so stuck.

@AwkwardPaws27 I didn't want to read and run, but hang in there! I had a MC earlier this year, like you we caught on the 2nd cycle so I thought we'd catch again quickly once things returned to normal. We haven't, and I really felt you when you said I'm unbelievably fucked off, I feel the same.

I echo the advice from @Fizzl

BIL & his GF announced their surprise pregnancy while I was miscarrying (they didn't know). Having a baby born in the family at such a close time has been difficult, especially as we haven't been able to meet their baby (they live quite far away + lockdown). We've been have zoom calls etc and I thought it would get easier but it hasn't.
I do worry that if we leave it a year so I start my accountancy training,and then we have more problems, people will blame me for "leaving it too late"...

Oh no. Now my poor cat has just been sick on the carpet. Today is not my day!
I'm going to bed and hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

@AwkwardPaws27 pregnancy announcements are tough. Since my MC 3 friends have announced pregnancies all due between aug-dec. I should have been the first to give birth. Wasn't meant to be but it doesn't take away the feelings and upset of 'that should have been me'. I'm happy for them but it's a constant reminder of what we don't have now and that's hard and I struggle with those feelings most days at the minute. My due date should have been next week and I'm constantly thinking how different life should have been and feel so jealous of my friends who are about to have their babies.

I also get your worries about leaving things too late. I never wanted children in my 20s and had the 'perfect' life plan to have a baby once I turned 30. I fell pregnant 3months before my 30th and everything seemed to be falling into place perfectly. Now things haven't gone to plan I worry too that I'm getting old. But it's totally irrational and lots of people have babies well into their 30s with no difficulties at all. It's a personal choice tho and you don't want to have any regrets whatever you choose. I think having experiences a loss it makes us more aware to the fact things don't always go to plan as we would hope and it could be a difficult journey, whereas others wouldn't worry at all being 'only' 30 or 31.

I hope today is a better day for you 💐