Husband no longer knows if he wants children

[Anon854]

I guess I'll just jump right into it. My husband has just told me that he no longer knows if he wants kids.

We've been together for 5 years and married for a year and a half. We discussed kids and marriage on probably the third date as it was important to me that we were ultimately on the same page and he agreed that he saw both of these things happening in his life. We're now married and had planned to start trying for kids around a year ago but neither of us quite felt ready to pull the trigger at the time. Life is good, we wanted to enjoy being married with just the two of us a while longer, wanted to travel more and tick off some big ticket life experiences together before we started Trying to conceive. Around 6 months ago I felt like the time was right and so we had an open discussion about it and he expressed that he just wasn't quite there yet and because it's really important to me that we are on the same page I agreed to wait a little bit longer. Then Coronavirus hit and that didn't seem liken the right time, then 5 weeks ago his mother died and of course that didn't feel like the right time. He hit an extremely low point a few weeks ago regarding going back to working from home due to Covid after the cremation but he's now doing much better on a day to day basis and is also seeing a bereavement counsellor through his work. I'm very proud of him for actively trying to help deal with his grief.

A week before his mother died we actually got a kitten and he has been the absolute light of our life in a very dark time. For the first few days though the kitten cried constantly and it was tough to see this wee toot of an animal so distressed. Of course he settled in and is now a huge cuddle monster. What I thought was a funny comment about how I wasn't sure about kids after dealing with a crying kitten backfired on me massively. my husband said 'i feel the same, I don't know if I want kids either'. I was shocked but aware that he was grieving, it's a global pandemic etc and tried not to bring it up again for a few weeks.

Tonight though after a lovely day together I suggested that we maybe sit down sometime soon to discuss starting to TTC. He said that he'd like to talk about it now, the result of which is that he doesn't know if he wants kids ever and can't try to conceive right now.

If I'd known this at the time we wouldn't have carried on dating let alone married and he knew this. Perhaps the most heartbreaking thing is that in putting it off, I'm now 2 weeks away from my 35th birthday and now feel like I have no options at all. I don't want to leave him but I want children and feel like our time for putting it off has slipped away from us - it feels like now HAS to be the time. Even if I was to leave, and let me be clear, I love him and want to be together forever, I'd most likely be out of time to meet someone and have kids with them anyway.

I'm devastated and feel like I have no one to talk to. I'd usually talk to my Mum but feel like if we ever were to have kids in the future anyone I'd discussed this with would feel like I'd pressured him into it.

He's incredibly sad that he's hurt me and I'm still supporting him as a grieving son, I'm just so angry at him for doing this to me. He of course agreed straight away to couples counselling and I've contacted a local counsellor to arrange a video session. I just don't see how this can resolve and i feel lost without anyone to turn to.

Ladies, I'm so helplessly sad for us. I cannot reconcile the thought of a life without children with him.

I’m sorry but I,think you are being a bit insensitive.Grieving the loss of a close relative takes a long time. I understand that you have your needs too but sadly life doesn’t give us circumstances that fit with the biological clock. Saying things like “ now HAS to be the time” is just going to pile the pressure on both of you.I actually think now it NOT the time for him to make huge life changing decisions. You are perfectly entitled to ,express your wishes ,but he is too. You do have some time on your side.

Oh this is so so hard!

I can imagine not wanting to conceive in the midst of bereavement but also...you’re nearly 35 and you need to crack on!!!

Glad you’ve arranged some counselling and that you’ve been able to be honest with him. I hope it helps.

My heart absolutely breaks for you both.
I disagree that you're being insensitive.
I wonder if he really doesn't want children or is just feeling so broken and sad at the loss of a parent that he doesn't feel he has anything left in him to give? This is something you might find out during counselling and I would explore it further there with some support. If he had changed his mind prior to his bereavement and the pandemic that would seem a bit more certain, but it's a big change around for him to make in his current situation.

I personally would see what counselling brings before making any decisions. If it came to it that my husband suddenly decided he 100% no longer wanted children and would not budge on this, I really would leave. I'm hopeful for you that this won't be the case and he just needs time to heal.
I'd put worries of your bio clock as far back into your mind as possible for six months maybe? Until you have a clearer understanding of what's going on.

Counselling at five weeks bereavement isnt recommended though.Im not saying you shouldn’t do it, just be aware he’s still in the fog of grief and may still not be ready to think clearly and make important decisions

His mum died five weeks ago? Leave him alone!

Give him time to grieve. Once he's out of that fog, revisit. Then if his answer is still the same, you've got two choices. Stay and never have kids, leave and possibly have kids with someone else. Only you will know what's right for you.

@MrsGrindah Thanks for your reply. You’re right, I’m aware that the timing is shitty, it’s most definitely a bit insensitive. This is not a life changing decision I’m asking him too make now though: We’d discussed and agreed that we wanted children together long before we were engaged and a timeline was in place to start over a year ago. This is something that we’ve revisited mutually (not just me forcing the subject) many times. I’m fully prepared for him to say that he needs more time and could probably be ok with waiting another 6 months if it meant that he felt ready but this isn’t what he’s saying. He may never be ready.

I can say that I had done everything I can to support him for the last five weeks and during my mother in laws illness. Grief isn’t linear and I definitely don’t think there’s a time when he’ll be over it enough that it’s a good time to discuss. We’re open and honest and he felt today was the day to share this with me and I’m blindsided.

@Incrediblytired Thank you. It feels good to just be heard.

Have I missed his reasons for changing his mind?

Sorry, also has he asked if you’ll change your mind too and not have children or has he just said he wants to wait and expects you to see if he’ll change his mind back?

@MrsKin90 this was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. The thought that he might not feel that he has anything left to give is interesting and definitely something to explore further. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this. We both have a lot of soul searching to do - at this stage I really can’t see the wood for the trees.

@Packamack @Ohhgreat, I expected to hear this. Believe me, I’m doing everything I can to support him.

@AnneLovesGilbert he hasn’t been able to give me any reasons as yet, and doesn’t know whether it’s a ‘when’ or an ‘if’ issue. I’m hoping counselling and time might bring a bit of clarity. What a hard wait though.

I really feel for you. The loss of his mum is tough for you too and a loudly ticking biological clock is incredibly distracting and can be panic-inducing.

No advice but my sympathy to you both.

@AnneLovesGilbert, that’s so kind of you to say. Thank you.

Just wish anything could help! But maybe knowing you’ve been heard and that people get what you’re going through is a small comfort. Be gentle with yourself and your husband. This may be a small bump in your road together and as the shock of his grief lessens and life settles a bit - it won’t go back to how it was and grief isn’t a straight road - you’ll be able to talk and get back to the plans you’d made. I really hope so.

Is he in shock still after his mum? Grief is a terrible thing.

Hi OP
I don't really have much to add to what's already been said, but something abut your story struck a chord and I just wanted to share a couple of things...

My DP lost his Dad a couple of years into our relationship and now, many years on, I can see that he was a very broken man for quite a while. I know it's also really tough to see your partner in that situation, and difficult to understand how best to support, so you have my full empathy there, but I do think time will help. I'm also close to 35 so I get the ticking time bomb feeling, but I would suggest that a little delay will probably help both of you and the situation might not be as distressing as it seems now.

Having said that, I have a family friend who always wanted a family but gave into her ex-partner and thought she was OK with not having kids. Just as soon as it was too late for her, they split up and she has always been extremely sad and bitter for having believed he was worth more to her than her dream of having a family. That sounds really dramatic, but just to say, eventually, once the dust has settled and you understand what DH wants, please remember to take care of yourself and be true to what's important to you.

I'd give him a bit more time. A month or two and then tell him that you're leaving him. He has no right to change his mind on such an important issue and expect you to stick around. At 35 you don't have all the time in the world to wait for him. I'm 36 and completely infertile after 5 miscarriages and 2 ruptured ectopics. You don't know if it could take 1 month or 10 years to have a healthy baby.

I love my DH but I wouldn't never have given up
On children for him. The resentment would have been so great that in a decade or twos time when you're not up for those great travelling adventures you wanted now that id have hated him

Once fertility is gone you can't get it back. Over 40 and the success rates even for IVF plummet to 2-3%

You’re not being insensitive, I get that you feel the time is right!! Maybe he just feels now is t the right time after the loss of his mother, covid etc. I wouldn’t bring it up for a couple of months, get through this pandemic and allow him to grieve. You never know, if he wanted them, what could have made him change his mind? Probably everything that’s going on. Good luck💗

God I feel so sorry for you. This must feel like a baseball bat around the back of the head.
I'm guessing coronavirus and the death of a close family member has maybe made him wonder if he wants to bring a child into this world, it's changed all of us and certainly I am not sure of anything any more.
We've all been that close to death everything feels different.
It could just be that.
What I'm hoping it isn't is my ex husbands syndrome where he used to tell me we'll do this, that and the other and we never did any of those things.
He'd say yes I really want to do (whatever it was) just to shut me up and then wriggle out of it later on when it was too late. I wasted 20 years on him and he did everything on his bucket list whilst refusing to do anything I wanted. I feel I wasted 20 years of my life on that man.
Whichever it is he needs to be honest, very very honest, he owes you that and you need to make it very clear you will not be messed about over this.