Not conceiving after trying for a long time is a pain like no other isn't it

[RosiePosieAndTheSunshineGirl]

TW obviously.

I didn't want to put this on the IF board because I have not been diagnosed with IF… yet anyway.

Have been trying for over 2.5 years. Not even the faintest of faint lines on a PT, ever. Bloods done, a thyroid problem was detected and treated a year ago. Investigations were due to take place right before covid hit.

Lots of people I know getting pregnant, some of those people now onto having their second baby while I sit on the sidelines and beat myself up, cry, scream, and wonder why it's not happening for me and DH too (inwardly of course, would never actually begrudge someone their happiness). This one colleague who I mistakenly confided in about my problems seems to take great delight in letting me know her 2 pregnancies were happy accidents, no trying needed and it's 'people like me who make her feel so lucky' and she 'counts her blessings every time she looks at their little faces'. Yes, she actually used those words.

I've honestly never felt pain like this. I've had breakdowns and traumas stemming from childhood, but this pain just feels so...gutting, it cuts right to the bone and I can actually feel it in my chest. It feels like my chest is hollow and the misery and heartache is just hurling round inside of it bouncing of the edges.

I'm sorry, I'm probably rambling here and talking absolute shit, I know people go through far worse things everyday. But I can't get over how much of a failure I feel. I have never hurt so deeply before, I can't even react to it because I don't know how.

It IS a pain like no other. I’m so sorry. Do you have anyone IRL you can confide in? I know from when I was struggling to conceive that it can be hard to find anyone who really gets it.

I think you should post on the infertility board. They won’t care that you don’t have an official diagnosis, they’ll support you nonetheless.

Are you trying anything like acupuncture or hypnosis? If you can afford it might help to get some impartial support and both therapies increase fertility. I did both and conceived after two sessions of hypno at 40. It was also such a relief to be able to talk about the pain with someone who was on my side and got it.

I meant to say that it was so sad to hear that you feel like a failure. That’s so hard to feel. It’s not your fault, lovely.

Yes it’s horrible. It’s the ongoing hope and the brain space it takes up which makes it so hard (“what cycle day am I on, is that ovulation line positive, we will have sex Saturday, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, shall I start charting/taking agnus castus/using preseed/doing acupuncture, when is my test date, is this the month, is that a line?????”) etc etc ad fucking infinitum. Plus the feeling that your life can’t really start until you get pregnant, and whilst you are trying it’s just passing you by.

No advice - except to say I did have two children eventually and I am sure you will too, and then the horrible pain pretty much disappears until you read threads like this. Hopefully you will get a full consultation in the next couple of months.

Yes it’s horrendous and only those who have experienced it will get it. When you say tests was your DH tested too? 1 in 6 couples have a problem with Male infertility. I honestly can empathise how you are feeling. We ttc for 3 years before finding it was a Male factor infertility problem. We had ivf and was lucky enough to conceive from it. Those years of trying beforehand and not knowing why were hell. Hopefully with things opening back again you can have further investigations.

You may already be doing this but things we did in prep for ivf which in convinced helped and take three months to see an effect:
Took 200mg coq10 supplement both of us
Took pregnancy vitamin - me
Took wellman conception vitamin - DH
Took 1000umg vit c - both
Loose boxers for DH
Low level drinking
Well balanced diet
Gentle exercise
Used BPA free plastics.
Low caffeine intake.

Good book - it starts with the egg.
Good podcast -BFN (listen from beginning)

When things open you could try acupuncture. I had it for pain relief initially and then stress management and continued through treatment.

Lastly I WILL NOT wish you baby dust (for fucks sake!) but I will say you have my empathy

I felt the same as you when trying 4 years ago and I wish I had gone for counselling at the time as I never quite recovered from the pain, even though my outcome was my DD. Like you I had childhood trauma but nothing has hurt me the way TTC did, I went to very dark places - loathing my body, myself, my partner, all other pregnant people, contemplating suicide... (my MH in every other time of my life is fairly robust). I couldn't understand my partner's (for example) cheery platitudes of 'oh well, next month!'. I would fantasise about stabbing my ovaries with a screwdriver, which was a very distinct visualisation that would repeat every month. On reflection, the despair was based around control - I could not control this one thing and control was a vital coping mechanism for me in all other things. It's why it affected me in a very distinct, frightening, and damaging way. Counselling at the time would have helped me work through it, and perhaps would have allowed me to start TTC#2 without triggering all the old emotions and feeling like I'm back where I was (hence I am now back to constant scanning of MN).

Acupuncture isn't a magical answer to conceiving but my acupuncturist was a stand in therapist and the idea of her being open and able to practise again soon makes me to want to weep with gratitude. I will finally have someone who will absorb all my fanatical hysteria and give me hope.

God knows if that helps, very long winded way of saying - I feel you.