AIBU to be raging at DH

[DNAshelicase]

Hi all,

Please be kind, I’m sat awake crying and raging at my DH because I feel he has been really selfish.

For context: really hoping to conceive dc#1, got pregnant at the start of this year and was so happy, then at the 12 week scan discovered it was a MMC and was devastated beyond words.

It’s been 9 long weeks to get my cycle going again and we’re using SMEP and testing with OPKs. Now, DH has a gaming hobby that he’s been doing with friends every week of lockdown until late, fine. However after these 9 weeks I finally get a flashing smiley on a digital opk (the fertile window is VERY short for me) and I’m really excited to be ‘in with a chance again’.

To be flexible around DH hobby I tell him I’m happy for him to wake me up when he’s finished with his friends to dtd. Despite knowing all of the above DH decides to get drunk, so drunk that he can’t perform. Before anyone says it’s might have been ‘the pressure’, this has not been an issue before, there was no emphasis of the ‘high stakes’ before tonight, he absolutely stinks of booze and he’s just rolled over and is snoring away. He wasn’t drinking because he was apprehensive, I could hear him downstairs having a jolly old time with his pals online.

I have long cycles of approx 37 days so that’s it for me until July, another 5 weeks. I’ve gone downstairs to sleep and I’m sobbing now because it’s been a long time after my loss and now I feel like we’ve just blown our best chance. Am I just TTC crazy or was DH really selfish to knowingly get that pissed?

I’ve sent him a really long text that I guess he’ll read in the morning before he comes downstairs. I’m so fucking pissed off, I just feel like what’s the point of me putting myself through this again mentally and physically when he seemingly can’t be arsed.

I don’t know why I’m posting this really.

Could you dtd tomorrow afternoon or evening?

Don,t get why you texted him I find that weird. perhaps he wasn,t in the mood. You can,t just perform on request. But I get the frustratuion and upset. Go back to bed and try in the morning? I also get the frustration linked to gaming. It can take over .

Ah sorry to hear that. It took me 4 years to conceive. It's very stressful. Can't you try in the morning?

Is it possible that DH isn’t ready to try again, or doesn’t want kids? I think if he was on the same page as you he would have turned off his game immediately. You need to have a chat.

I think it would be too simple to just say he behaved like a dick, he experienced a loss too, and it can be easy to lose sight of this sometimes. I think there is a lot of pressure on the woman in these situations - I say this as someone who had a similar experience to you.

You know your H, and you know all of him, you will get a lot of people on here piling in on your husband just based on this snapshot, which will probably make you feel better right now, but I think you need to just have a talk with him tomorrow.

Hugs for now x

As someone who spent 4 years TTC, 3 MC, and the worst stress in the world, the best advice I can give you is to just try to have sex, every two days, during the middle bit of your cycle.

At least for now. It's early days, and I mean this with all the sympathy and understanding, but try not to worry too much at this stage. It won't help.

Sorry about the MMC. I know how devastating it is. X

The good news is that your cycle is returning to normal, and you're ovulating again. Try and focus on that.

If he’s happier staying up playing games and getting drunk, than coming to bed to have sex, maybe the pressure is playing on his mind. Maybe it feels too ‘manufactured’ to have sex just because it’s the right time

You need to have a heart to heart and not via a text to a drunken man who won’t read until the morning. Having sex isn’t a job, he hasn’t failed a performance review and been put on probation.

I appreciate you are desperate to conceive but this is all a bit much ☹️

@june2007 I get your point about texting in the same house. I guess I wanted to articulate how I am feeling right now with clarity, without being groggy first thing in the morning. He will likely be confused why I’m not in the bed when he wakes up at he’s too drunk atm to register that I’m not there.

Thanks to the posters who suggested trying again tomorrow, I will do, though it’s a shame I’ve missed my optimal time now.

@power thank you for your thoughts but I don’t think so. He was even more eager than me to try in the first place/try again. Also the hobby (v geeky) is a dungeons and dragons type thing that he does online With his real life friends, the game itself has a start-finish runtime of 3 hours or so. So it’s not necessarily that he didn’t want to put the controller down, that’s the length of the game, it’s annoying though regardless! Thank you so much for your perspective though, I think I need to have a proper talk with him tomorrow xx

Thank you for the positive comments, I am really happy to be ovulating again, I guess after the MMC I just worry that it could potentially be a long road ahead, @SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing I’m sorry for the difficult journey you’ve had.

@Thepigeonsarecoming that’s a totally fair comment. I really enjoy sex with DH usually but tbh when TTC it can feel a bit manufactured/clinical! We know the date to try an it can lack the spontaneity and passion that might usually be there, it’s quite hard to see past that sometimes

I know how you feel! We’ve been ‘trying’ for two years now and dp wants us to go to the doctor for ivf because it’s not working. I’ve kept a record of my ovulation dates and us and it turns out we’ve only done it at the correct time once out of the last 16 months, either he falls asleep watching tv or his kids are here or I’ve made such a deal he’s too nervous etc. It’s getting to the point I think it’s on purpose! I don’t want ivf though, especially unnecessarily!

@DNAshelicase the flashing smiley face indicates a rise in estrogen not your LH surge. You could have a flashing smiley for several days before you get your static indicating your LH surge and impending ovulation. You’ve still got time.

You ovulate 12-24 hours after the static smiley and once the egg is released it will live for a further 12-24 hours. If your opk is flashing you still have plenty of time.

Could you hide his phone so he doesn't wake up and be immediately upset by your message, make a nice breakfast in bed for the both of you then have a nice snuggle up together..... I know you're mad at him but save that argument for next week when your fertile window is closed. I would go and get back into bed........

You still have to get a static smiley after the flashing one. Your chance isn't over until after the static smiley. I've had 9 days of flashing before...

Go back to bed op... you are still in with a chance

My DH didn’t really get the science behind trying on the right dates etc... It just doesn’t register. Ah, we’ll do it in the morning / at the weekend, as I’m tired / going to the pub / watching telly.
Saying to wake you up & DTD or setting a time didn’t work for you. Next time, even if neither is in the mood, literally get your pants off now at least three times in a row.

Hi,

First, I'm so sorry for your mmc, it is utterly devastating. In my experience, DH just wasn't on the same page re dtd, timings and the science; we had a very similar row as you because we went out with friends the night of my fertile window, he had too many drinks and didn't want to/couldn't have sex and I, like you, lay there frustrated and furious.
Another thing is that despite feeling devastated too about a miscarriage, ime my DH just didn't have the same desperate urge to conceive a new pregnancy as I did- he just didn't get the intensity of the feelings I had about it... it was on my mind constantly and that wasn't the case for him.
My advice, like pp is to DTD every 2 days throughout, ditch the opks (you know you're ovulating) and try really hard to go with the flow. My best friend told me 'you have the baby you are meant to have' and it was certainly the case for us... she's sat up next to me in bed playing. You'll get there x

You aren't at peak fertility yet with a flashing smiley. If it was static, then I'd appreciate the urgency and be as pissed off too. As many PP have already said, you are definitely not out this month yet. Don't reduce your chances by having a big row and piling the pressure on him now (I know you are feeling the pressure too though!). Once you're out of fertile week perhaps have a long chat about mutual expectations and agreements going forward. Good luck OP, TTC can be extremely stressful and emotional. I'm so sorry for your loss and sending baby dust.

Do it this morning and every 2 days from now for the next few days. I understood where you're coming from but don't think you have necessarily missed your chance so try not to worry

Thanks everyone. We had a chat this morning and he was really apologetic and just said he got carried away. I did take an opk this morning and the smiley was static (didn’t realise this was better than flashing!) and we dtd this morning, we also dtd on Thurs and Fri so hopefully I’m still in with a fighting chance!

Thanks for your kind words too, I’m finding it really hard since the mmc and was so much more relaxed about TTC before that! The window of opportunity is so small it does feel highly pressurised, I think next month I’ll just dtd every other day and try to relax things a bit.

Aw @glowingtwig that message really cheered me up, I think after a mmc you feel like you’re destined to have them over and over, so glad you have your dc, I hope to be that fortunate this time around!

MMC is so hard, go easy on yourself. I had one, and was very nervous with this pregnancy that the same would happen again. The urgency is very real... Fingers crossed for you!